BOO-RAY FOR SMELLYWOOD - by Paul Rose 23/4/98

"Hollywood is the seething, broiling heart of all humanity's evil" - so wrote Joseph Conrad (probably). From a games fan's point of view, it doesn't matter who said it - the point is it's true.

That's because your average games fan has been repeatedly punched, kicked and thrown into a ditch by Hollywood executives, who seem intent on bastardising our favourite games to their own peculiar tastes.

The list of disastrous games-to-movies, while not quite endless, is nevertheless fairly damning: Double Dragon, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat Annihilation, and the nemesis of every single cinema-going gamesplayer, Super Mario Brothers.

What's worse is that there appears to be no sign of an end to this disturbing trend. Final Fantasy VII and Wing Commander have already entered production, while Tomb Raider, Doom and Resident Evil aren't far behind.

Using the power of a special machine we have just invented, we have been able to project our spiritual selves into the offices of these Hollywood decision-makers and take a gander at the next wave of games to hit the movie production slate ...

LEMMINGS
Based upon the classic series of Psygnosis puzzle games starring the hilarious, green, would-be suicides-on-legs, Lemmings sees a family of 1,000 of the eponymous computer-generated creatures attempting to reach their spiritual homeworld. By the end of the movie only four remain, the others dying in myriad hilarious, but often moving, ways. Tag line: "Suicide has never been so much fun ..." Starring: Tim Allen as "the voice of Chief Lemming".

DUKE NUKEM
A rough, tough Vietnam war veteran - now a sensitive sculpture - is called out of retirement to combat an invading armada of mutant space pigs. It's not just blood and death, though - this is the portrait of a sensitive man rediscovering his murderous side. Tag line: "From bad, to sad, to mad again ..." Starring: Johnny Depp as "Duke".

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
When two teenage delinquents accidentally super-charge an ordinary hedgehog by trying to jam it in their PC's CD-ROM drive, the trio are the only ones who can stop the megalomaniacal machinations of the evil Doctor Viktor Robotnik. He plans to turn the security council of the United Nations into fluffy-wuffy bunny wabbits. Tag line: "He's a toot-toot Sonic warrior!" Starring: Jim Carrey as "Sonic".

TETRIS
A nutty Russian scientist has devoted his life to inventing the ultimate house brick. When his prototype bricks get bathed in radiation they take on a life of their own - with hilarious consequences! Tag line: "Achtung! Das ist Comrade Nutty-Brick!" Starring: Robin Williams as "Comrade Professor".

QUAKE 2
A rough, tough space war veteran - now a sensitive flower-arranger - is called out of retirement to combat an invading armarda of mutant space cyborgs. It's not just blood and death, though - this is the portrait of a sensitive man rediscovering his murderous side. And then falling in love and that. Tag line: "You'll be Quakin' in yer boots!" Starring: Brad Pitt as "Sarge".

MORE NEXT WEEK