BOO-RAY FOR SMELLYWOOD PART 2 - by Paul Rose 1/5/98

If Hollywood was an animal, and not the entertainment capital of the Western world, it would probably be some sort of mutant pig, which had laser beam- firing eyes, and sharp spines on its back, and when it came near you it spat acid, and then it went up on its hind legs, and made a noise a bit like this: "Hssttth!" - and then it charged after you, and, and, and ...

Anyway, what we're trying to say is that Hollywood stinks; it takes your favourite things and makes them bad. Like videogames, for example. Just look at Super Mario Brothers; one of the greatest videogame series of all time transformed into some stupid film about a fat bloke, and a thin bloke. And Dennis Hopper. But it isn't going to stop - we've just been handed the script for the forthcoming Sonic The Hedgehog movie. Would you like to read an excerpt?

FADE IN:

INT. LABORATORY.NIGHT

We pan around a high-tech LABORATORY. Centrifuges spin, and computer screens scroll through reams of figures. Huge, transparent tubes bubble, filled with some unknown fluid. We PUSH IN through the equipment, and come to focus on a lab-coated figure, PROFESSOR WEISMUELLER, hunched over something. He's muttering to himself.

WEISMUELLER
Oh, you adorable creature! Where did you come from? I've never seen anything as adorable as you. I have to find out what makes you so damn cute.

The camera moves round, and we see the kind-faced Weismueller is cradling a HEDGEHOG in his arms. He gets up and moves to a piece of equipment.

WEISMUELLER
Now don't be scared, little feller, I'm just gonna use some of my expensive equipment to run some tests. I'm going to place you in this here centrifuge...

As Weismueller lifts the lid off the centrifuge, and places the hedgehog inside, the door is kicked open and a ragin (and insane) DOCTOR ROBOTNIK bursts in. He's carrying a gun.

WEISMUELLER
Robotnik! Get out, man - this is a restricted area.

ROBOTNIK
Achtung! To hell with your restricted area - you've been seeing my wife behind my back.

WEISMUELLER
What? No I haven't.

ROBOTNIK
Don't lie to me.

WEISMUELLER
I'm not lying. I didn't even know you were married.

Robotnik advances on Weismueller, who backs away, accidentally leaning on a switch which activates the centrifuge. We focus in on the terrified hedgehog who begins to spin, faster and faster.

ROBOTNIK
Well I'm going to kill you anyway. You make me sick, with your horrible love of cute animals, and good deeds and stuff that you always do, and things.

WEISMUELLER
Please, Robotnik, please don't kill me. I'll be your best friend.

ROBOTNIK
Nein! The only friend I need is das gun. Prepare to die, Weismueller.

WEISMUELLER
Noooooo!

We focus again on the hedgehog. The force of the centrifuge has pinned it to the wall of the machine. There's the firing of a gun, and the hedgehog is sprayed with Weismueller's BLOOD. Focus again on the lab, and Robotnik standing over Weismueller, with a smoking gun, as the dying Professor slithers down the centrifuge, leaving a bloody trail.

ROBOTNIK
(smugly) Huh! Pretty impressed with my gun skills, aren't you, Weismueller.

Weismueller drops to the floor, but his blood seeps into the centrifuge, shorting out the machine with a series of sparks. Robotnik is confused and afraid.

ROBOTNIK
What's going on? What is this crazy stuff?

The centrifuge explodes, sending the end section containing the hedgehog flying into a cabinet of CHEMICALS. There's another explosion as it hits. Then silence. Robotnik slowly rises from behind the worksurface where he was cowering.

ROBOTNIK
Phew! What a blast!

He slowly approaches the mess of chemical containers and electrical equipment, where the centrifuge landed.

ROBOTNIK
I guess that's what they call a chemical imbalance!

Suddenly, a white-gloved, blue arm rises from the mess. It pulls a pipe from the wall, with little effort.

ROBOTNIK
What the...?

Robotnik is smacked round the face with the pipe. A blue, humanoid hedgehog rises from the debris. It is SONIC.

SONIC
(satisfied) Pipe down, Robotnik. You're messing with Sonic The Hedgehog now.

ROBOTNIK
(aghast) Mein Gott! There must have been a hedgehog in that centrifuge. Combined with the chemicals, really fast spinning, and Weismueller's blood, it's mutated into something appalling - the ultimate cute creature!

SONIC
You bet, fat boy. I'm your worst nightmare.

ROBOTNIK
I gotta get outta here!

Robotnik dives through the closed window with a crash.

SONIC
That guy was a crashing bore!

FADE OUT: