I absolutely hate puns. I agree they are the lowest form of humor. In fact, I don't think they are funny at all. I think they are mean.

For one thing, puns only hurt people intelligent enough to understand them. Maybe that's the real reason Blondes have more fun : Puns fly right over their head!  They don't suffer like the rest of us do.

You have to have a certain level of sophistication for the pain to be triggered. My daughter read this web page and her main reaction was, "Huh? I don't get it."  Blessed are the innocent...

I suppose if puns are delivered within the context of a conversation, they have value, but few of us are smart enough to think one up on the spot that hasn't been used countless tired times before. After a while they aren't punny any more. I know people who memorize books of puns. Talk about artificial intelligence.

I am a closet Punster, but fortunately for society I am also stupid. Many of you do not realize just close you come at times to this especially inhuman form of torture in my dance classes. Lucky you!  Often at night while driving home I come up with a truly awful pun too late to do any damage in dance class.  My inability to pun on the spot aggravates me no end. Puns hurt me worse than others because when I hear a pun that happens to be appropriate to the occasion, not only does the pun hurt, but the pain is intensified by my bitterness that someone else is so much more clever than I am

Let me share an example. A group of us was watching a dance video.  I happened to move to the screen to point out a move, then forgot to move out of the way. One of the girls watching said, "Rick, you're a pain, but you're not a window pane. Get out of the way!" 

Hmmmph. It hurts to be just bright enough to suffer, but not bright enough to fight back.

Oblivious to the fact that I am a bad Pun waiting to happen, nevertheless our Joke Page readers blithely continue to bombard me with their cruel puns. When it comes to Puns, everyone agrees it is far, far better to give than receive. Well, I am fighting back. I am sick of these stupid puns you send me and I am bouncing them right back at ya!

So, for you masochists, here is a list of the worst puns I have received lately. I might add that the only good pun is a non-existent one.  Do I make my pain clear?

Now if after reading these you feel the need to hurt someone, aim for Gary Richardson first. He is the main culprit here. (I am merely the humble messenger). In particular, I think someone needs to take him out for "Pythagorean Pocahontas". I think we will put on a fast Polka with a fast woman, turn off the air-conditioner, and let the song run twice. He will think twice before he sends the next pun.

The thing I find amusing about the Puns below are the incredible lengths the yarn weavers go to set the scene. "Murder for Hire" is a good example of working overtime to prepare the Pun-ch Line. Also amusing are the interesting clues that mysteriously appear in the story line. My favorite was the Indian tent with the Hippopotamus skin in it. Someone deserves to lose a scalp for that one!!

Enough talk. Enjoy!  Or is that the right word for it?  Better yet, Let the suffering begin for all you Groan Men and Women!

 

Warm-Up Exercises
submitted by Joseph Stuteville

The art of punning is not dead..............

1.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your Kayak and heat it, too.

2.   Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3.   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

4.   Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

5.   A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

6.   There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

Sam the Clam
submitted by Shine Chang

Sam and Sally Clam live at the bottom of the sea and they are wild for dancing and go every night to Sam's dance club. Well, life is good until one day, poor Sally buys the farm and floats up to heaven.

At orientation, St. Peter tells her all the rules, hands her a harp that she has to keep with her at all times, and tells her to have a good time. It's okay for a while, but as with ALL dancers, even dead clam dancers, she misses her former life and all the fun times out on the floor with her partner, Sam.

After much moping around, Sally finally gets permission to go back to earth for ONE day, but she has to be back in heaven by the last stroke of midnight. So, she's off! She finds Sam and they're having a great time - double spins, reverse London Bridge, slithers up and down - until BONG! BONG - it's midnight!

Sally races back up to heaven, where she is greeted by St. Peter who has a TERRIBLE look on his face!

"WHERE IS YOUR HARP?"

"OH NO! I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"

William Tell
submitted by Gary Richardson

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Religion and Geography
submitted and created by Rick Renner

Did you know that there are no Jehovah’s Witnesses in Hungary?

They have Buddha Pests instead!!

 

Hollandaise Sauce
submitted by Gary Richardson

A guy goes into his dentist's office because of problems with his dentures. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

 "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" 

"That's probabably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." 

"Why chrome?" the man asked. 

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

 

Twins
submitted by Richard Weisberg

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan locates his birth mother sends a picture of himself to her. Upon receiving the picture, the birth mother, now happily married with her life in order, tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, “No big deal. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

 

The Vikings
submitted by Gary Richardson

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

The Dolphins
submitted by Gary Richardson

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

The Anthropologist
submitted by Gary Richardson

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

 

The Tate Watch Company
submitted by Gary Richardson

Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 

The Indian Chief
submitted by Gary Richardson

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

Pythagorean Pocahontas
submitted by Gary Richardson

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin (oh, please!). All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

The Titanic
submitted by Robin Wagner, Sam DeMora, and Jon Holverson 
among others who deserve to be hurt

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people who were eagerly awaiting delivery was stricken with enormous grief at their loss. They declared a national day of mourning which they still observe.

It is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".

 

Murder for Hire
submitted by Betty Sellers

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY !"

 

The Mole Family
submitted by Judy Walsh

There was a family of moles that lived in a hole just outside a farmhouse. There was a Papa mole, a Mama mole and an itty-bitty Baby mole. One morning the Papa mole woke up and peeking outside said: "I smell pancakes!"

Hearing that, Mama mole scurried up the hole and squeezed in next to Papa mole, sniffed the air and said: "Mmmmmmmm, I smell maple syrup!"

This got Baby mole’s attention and he ran up the hole and tried to peek out but found his mother and father were blocking the entrance. Frowning, he said: "All I smell is molasses !"

 

Hospital in Scotland
submitted by John Liestman

The Queen of England is opening a new hospital in Scotland.
She inspects the maternity ward and the the ER and
then walks in to a small ward at the rear of the hospital.

She asks the first patient she sees "How are we doing today?"
and he answers "Oh! Yee wee timorus beastie!".

The Queen nods and smiles and moves on to the next bed and
asks "Well now are you feeling better?" To which the patient shouts
"Oh! You great Champion of the pudding race!"

The Queen moves quickly to a nice looking older man who greets
her with "The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglay!"

The Queen turns to the Doctor and whispers "Is this the Mental Ward?"
To which he replies "No, Your Majesty. It's the...... Burns Unit."

 

 

(if you didn't "get it"... for example, I didn't "get it"... this joke refers to 
Robert Burns, the oft-quoted poet laureate of Scotland, 1759-1796. I had to write back to get an explanation.)

Biology Student
submitted by Susan Schroeder

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says, "You don’t mean..."

"Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."

 

The Mahatma
submitted by Jill Banta

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

As this great man would pass, people would bow down in worship. One day a small boy asked his father how the Mahatma's legacy would read. His father smiled and spoke,

"A super callused fragile mystic especially with halitosis"

 

Florist Friars
submitted by Robin Wagner and Richard Bevis

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

Artistic Thief
submitted by Donna Ruth and Reza Taherian

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, and evading security, getting out and escaping to the woods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

Hall of Fame :  Father and Son
submitted by Richard Barrett

A man is in a room waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head !  But the Dad swallows hard and vows to love his son and raise him as well as he can, with compassion and tenderness.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop !  A torso pops out !

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink !"  The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop !  Two arms pops out.

Now the bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink !" 

The bartender frowns. He is convinced no good will come of this. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop !  Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

Then tragedy strikes !  The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. As the father moans in grief, the bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

 

Dating Lorraine
submitted by Susie Merrill 

A guy was dating a girl named Lorraine. He knew that Lorraine was the ONE. She had all the qualities that he wanted in a woman. She was smart, funny, and beautiful. Then one day in the video store, he met a girl named Clearly. Now Clearly was beautiful, funny, smart, and knew all the best places in town. But the guy didn't want to stop dating Lorraine, for he could be missing out on something good. So he kept on dating Lorraine. Then one day, the guy and Lorraine were walking along a riverbank, his mind on Clearly, when Lorraine slipped into the river. While he watched her float away, he sang,

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."

Hall of Fame :  The Bell Ringer
submitted by Hieronymous Anonymous

After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day and said he would get back to them.

Late that night there was a fierce pounding at the door which awoke everyone in the church. The bishop ordered a monk to see what was causing the commotion. To his shock, an armless man was brought to him nearly in tears. "Father, I plead to be given a chance to Ring the Bell !"

The Bishop was incredulous. "But, son, You have no arms !"

"No matter," said the man, "I have a heart !  I have desire !   Please, even if you do not choose to give me the job, let me at least try !"

The bishop frowned, then said, "Okay, but why don't you come back in the morning ?   You would surely wake the people of Paris tonight."

"Please, Father, oh please, I have this burning inside !  Please let me ring it now !  Just once !"

Shaking his head, the Bishop relented. This was against his better judgment, he knew, but realistically, how loud could this guy be ?  Slowly they climbed the steps to the Bell Tower. Finally reaching the top, the Bishop opened the door. To his shock, without a word, the armless man flung himself forward and smashed his face violently into the huge metal bell.

BONG !  The armless man had indeed rung the bell with enormous power, but the bishop was appalled as he saw blood spurt out of the man's broken nose while shattered teeth sprayed everywhere.

Even worse, before the startled bishop could recover, the armless man charged again !

BONG !  All of Paris surely was awake now, but that was the least of the Bishop's concerns for all he could see was blood everywhere. The man's mouth was a bloody mess, his ear was partially torn, and his nose was nearly separated from his face. "Stop, please, in the name of God, Please Stop !"

To no avail. The man began to charge again. This time though the Bishop raced to intercept the man. The armless man swerved to avoid the Bishop, but with his eyes swollen shut, he was nearly blind.

Out of control, the armless man hit the ledge of an open window, lost his balance, fell out the window,  and plunged to his death in the courtyard below.

The Bishop raced down the stairs to the fallen man. There a hundred monks surrounded the unfortunate man. One monk looked up and asked, "Oh, Father, do you know this man ?"

"No, but his face rings a bell."