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Chessville
From the
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Thompson's Cousin Last week Thompson invited me to meet his cousin Alf at The Ruddy Duck for a game of chess. Alf ’s unlikely occupation is that of a wrestling clown in a traveling circus, but he is also a keen chess player, having been introduced to the game by his cousin. As Jonty the Jovial Clown, Alf has the gift of reducing circus audiences to helpless laughter with his antics with ridiculous hats, buckets of water, and zany musical instruments. But later in the show this large, comical man is transformed into Crusher, a ravening monster whose slogan is “No quarter given or expected.” The lights are lowered, Crusher makes a dramatic entrance and then the challenge is issued. Anyone who can last a round against Crusher will receive a cash prize, and anyone who beats him will receive double the money. His opponents can expect to be subjected to a specialty hold, the Half Crunch, which consists of being twisted into a knot and held in that position by the back of the neck to induce submission. If this hold is resisted for more than a few seconds Crusher plays to the crowd by asking if he should apply the Full Crunch. He then converts the hold simply by pressing downwards on his unfortunate victim’s neck. This always results in immediate surrender. Nobody from the audience has ever managed to complete a round against Crusher, although there are rumors that it’s all a bit of show business, and the opponents are planted in the crowd. However, when Alf is not appearing as the ferocious Crusher he is a most agreeable and well-mannered person who likes nothing better than a friendly game of chess over a pint of beer. It was for this reason that, at Thompson’s invitation while the circus was appearing in the area, he visited The Duck for a few games with the chess playing clientele who frequented that establishment. When Alf arrived at The Duck there was a full house as Thompson had talked at length about his colourful cousin. Everyone was keen to take him on over the chequered board so there was no lack of willing opponents. Thompson refrained from playing so that other people had the chance to play Alf. I remained a spectator in order to record the event. The games were played in a friendly, good humoured atmosphere, with lots of banter about wrestling and chess moves, although Alf would not be drawn on whether his wrestling bouts were fixed or not. Alf won most of his games, playing slightly unorthodox attacking chess. Several of The Duck’s best players succumbed, including the group’s theoretician, a studious teenager known as Young’n. Alf - Young’n 1. d4 d5 2. Nf3 Nf6 3. c4 dxc4 4. e3 Bg4 5. Bxc4 e6 6. h3 Bh5 7. Nc3 Nbd7 8. g4 Bg6 9. Nh4 Be4 10. Nxe4 Nxe4 11. Nf3 Bb4+ 12. Ke2 Nd6 13. Bb3 O-O 14. a3 Ba5 15. Bc2 a6 16. b4 Bb6 17. Bb2 f6 18. Qd3 f5 19. d5 exd5 20. Qxd5+ Rf7 21. gxf5 Qe7 22. Rhg1 Kh8 23. Ng5 Rff8 24. Nxh7 Rf7 25. Ng5 Rff8 26. Rg4 Nf7 27. Bxg7+ Kxg7 28. Nxf7+ Qg5 29. Rxg5+ Kf6 30. Qe6# 1-0 However Alf did lose to a local lady. She was known as Gipsy Rose, partly because of her surname (Leigh), partly because of her dark complexion and large gold earrings, but also because she was said to have the gift of divination. Alf congratulated his opponent, saying the lady had played an excellent game. He then kissed her hand, an act which won her permanent admiration. Alf’s final chess opponent at the end of a very entertaining evening was a quiet, reserved chap called Charlie who usually sat in the corner without saying much. When he did have anything to contribute it usually came out with dry humour. He was quite well built with a short military style haircut and a pleasant but reserved manner. It was rumoured that he was an extremely hard man who at one time had been in the Parachute Regiment. After Charlie blundered early in the game Alf won fairly quickly and then jokingly said he would let Charlie get his revenge in the ring when the circus opened on the following night. To everybody’s surprise and apprehension Charlie immediately said “Right, you’re on.” Although we all tried to dissuade him from this suicidal acceptance he insisted that he would carry it through. Alf assumed he was joking and took his farewell after thanking us for the games and politely shaking hands all round. Gipsy Rose was the only one who didn’t seem worried about Charlie, saying “I see a surprise.” She would say nothing more than that. Thompson led a large contingent from The Duck at the circus next evening, and we all laughed heartily at Jonty’s hilarious antics as a clown. Then the time came for the wrestling challenge. Although we again tried to deter him, Charlie immediately stood up and made his way to the roped area which had been rigged up on the sawdust of the circus ring. Crusher habitually fought barefoot wearing only a leotard and Charlie was invited to do the same. However he simply took off his jacket, shoes and socks, performed a few loosening up exercises, then said he was ready. The lights went down, there was a fanfare of trumpets over the loudspeakers and Crusher appeared, wild-eyed and hairy, making fierce crushing gestures with his huge hands. The Master of Ceremonies made the usual over the top announcement, although the contingent from The Duck were chattering so much that I could only hear parts of it - “M’lords, ladies and gentlemen..........wrestling legend.........never been beaten..........challenged by a local champion.........” Then the bell went and the crowd fell silent as the antagonists launched themselves at each other. They met with a crash and, locked together, staggered and stumbled around the ring as they fought. Charlie seemed to be holding his own, twisting and turning with skill and dexterity. Then to everyone’s astonishment he produced a cunning trip which hoisted Crusher off his feet. Both wrestlers, still grappling with each other, thudded to the ground and a cloud of sawdust was thrown up as the struggle intensified. For a while we could not see what was happening although we could hear grunts and groans as the fight continued. Gradually the cloud of dust subsided to reveal two figures entwined in a tangle of limbs on the ground. At this point the more knowledgeable members of the audience began telling their neighbours that Crusher had applied the Half Crunch and the bout would soon be over. Crusher triumphantly raised an arm, asking the audience if he should apply the Full Crunch, when suddenly there was a tremendous yell. Crusher shot up into the air, turned a full somersault and crashed to the ground completely unconscious. The Master of Ceremonies delayed the count as much as he dared but it was no good, Crusher was well and truly out. He could not be revived and it took four men to carry him off. To the cheers of the audience Charlie was declared the winner and presented with his cash prize. The circus performers reappeared and threw themselves into the rest of the performance (although there was one clown less) but after that wrestling bout everything else could only be an anti-climax. At the end of the performance the Master of Ceremonies announced that Crusher had regained consciousness and had paid tribute to a worthy opponent. We didn’t see Charlie again that night, he must have slipped quietly out of a rear exit and gone home. We all gathered at The Duck the following evening and while we awaited Charlie’s arrival there was much discussion as to whether he had used some secret unarmed combat move to win the bout with Crusher. When he came in we greeted him with cheers, plied him with drinks and pressed him to tell us how he had won his amazing victory. “Well, it wasn’t as easy as I expected,” he said modestly. Then Charlie made what was probably his longest ever speech in The Duck. “He was really strong, took me by surprise at first, got me in the Half Crunch. That hurt, me eyes were screwed up with the pain and I knew the Full Crunch was coming so I had to do something pretty quick. I forced me eyes open and saw this huge big toe right in front of them. It was a bit scruffy, covered in sawdust, but I realised it was the only chance... so I sank me teeth into it.” Here Charlie paused, not for dramatic effect, but to take another pull at his pint of Rustic Peculiar. Thompson thought he meant it, I tend to think it was a bit of his dry wit, but this is how Charlie ended his account of how he defeated Crusher -
“You know, it’s astonishing what a huge surge of power you get if you bite
your own big toe.........”
Copyright R. Canter, 2000-2005
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