EVERYBODY RUN... THE HANDYMAN RIFF'S GOT A GUN
Lyrics by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org
(To the tune of "The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun" by Julie Brown)

It was the middle of the night at our floor show
Everyone was there, even Thelma's 'fro
I was really excited, hot flashes and cold sweats
Cuz our new friend Frankie was in his fishnets
He looked so femmy, like Elton John
Wearing his corset with the sequins on
Garters and panties, he looked so damned good
Straight out of Frederick's of Hollywood
(Have you seen their new catalog?  Definitely a hot ticket!)
The crowd was cheering, no one was bored
This one lady looked just like Betty Ford!
The guys all wanted his autograph
Then all of a sudden, somebody laughed:
"Look out!  I'm your new commander, with a gun!"

Everybody run, the handyman Riff's got a gun
Everybody run, the handyman Riff has got a gun

Riff Raff smiling, firing his gun
Picking off transvestites one by one
Oh no, Rocky's barbells just blew to bits
Now Columbia got it right between the tits
God, the servant's on a shooting spree
Stop it, Riff Raff, you're frightening me!
How could you do what you just did?
Did you just like totally flip your lid?

Everybody run, the handyman Riff's got a gun
Everybody run, the handyman Riff has got a gun

Riff Raff ranted while his sister leered
By then the entire audience had disappeared!
(No big loss)
You wouldn't believe what Dr. Scott said
When Riff Raff shot Frank and Rocky dead
"Society must be protected; you're OK by me!"
Riff Raff didn't kill us, he had to go home
He told us all to leave, without using the phone!
It was really sad, but we still gave a sigh
To see that big castle take him up to the sky

Everybody run, the handyman Riff's got a gun
Everybody run, the handyman Riff has got a gun

After Riff fired his final shot that dropped them in the pool
I tried to scream "Why?" but I could only drool
The tower tipped, they did a splash, it was real melodramatic
But I was crying so hard I couldn't look at the bald fanatic
Riff Raff walked over and I had to know
What made him do it?  Why'd his fuse blow?
I saw face contort as he screamed a shout
"They never loved me!" and started to pout
So I asked him, on our way out, and he said
"I did it...  for Eddie..."
Eddie?  Like, who's Eddie?
Answer me, Riff Raff, who's Eddie?  Are you Eddie?
There was this fat greaser named Eddie but we had him for dinner!
Answer me, Riff Raff, who's Eddie?
My God, this is like that movie "Shock Treatment"
Where you find out Farley is Brad's evil twin
But we'll never know who Eddie was or see Riff again!

Everybody run, the handyman Riff's got a gun
Everybody run, the handyman Riff has got a gun