ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover By Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org with lots of help from Karen Savage (karenjoy@erols.com) [The opening sequence is a combination of Rocky Horror's (song is song by a set of lips, but done in Terry Gilliam/"South Park" animation style) and South Park's (behind lips is assembled picture of South Park, with various scenes echoing the lyrics of the song, with various cows and flying babies mixed in for effect).] COMEDY CENTRAL CARTOON FEATURE (to the tune of "Science Fiction/Double Feature") Eric Cartman was fat when he ignited his cat But his mother said he was big boned And then Kenny was there in orange winterwear Mumbling everything in muted tones But something's amiss between Stan and his sis She attacked him with a lawnmower Terrance and Phil brought a smile to the face of young Kyle But they just made his mom fume and glower It was the... Late-night Comedy Central Feature There are four butts on that strange creature See aliens kidnap Kyle's brother And the chef gets everyone's mother At the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show I saw the great Scuzzlebutt weave, bite and cut When a volcano sent lava downhill And I laughed quite a lot when I saw Kenny get shot Zapped, impaled, stampeded, and killed Mister Garrison said that we should ask Mister Hat Who screamed that we'd go straight to hell But when the bus arrives, screams the woman who drives "Sit down and shut up, or else I'll tell!" It's a... Late-night Comedy Central Feature There are four butts on that strange creature See aliens kidnap Kyle's brother And the chef gets everyone's mother At the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show I wanna go... Oh, oh... To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show Out in the snow... Oh, oh... To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show Ike's a dildo... Oh, oh... To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show [Scene: The bus stop. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are waiting for the bus] ALL (that annoying singing thing): Thank god it's Friday! Thank god it's Friday! Stan: Just a few hours until my Uncle Jimbo takes us camping again! Kenny (muffled by hood): Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Stan: Yeah, I won't be sleeping in his tent either! Cartman: Hey! Kyle: Here comes the bus. Driver: Sit down! Shut up!! [Children board bus. Stan and Kyle head towards their seat in the back] Stan (mutters): I'd like to beat that fucking bitch... Mrs. Crabtree (Busdriver): What did you say?!? Stan: I said, "I like to eat ducks and fish." Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. Me too. [Driver hits bump, all children get tossed one seat forward] [New scene, school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are standing in line; various other children (Pip, Wendy, etc.) are at tables eating] Stan: I guess he finally did it, huh. Kyle: I don't think there's any doubt about that. I can't believe Mister Garrison finally flipped out and disappeared. Cartman: I can't believe you guys. Everyone knows that Mister Hat is the psycho and Mister Garrison is just a victim. Stan: Dude, Mister Hat is just a goddamned puppet! He can't do anything to Mister Garrison! Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Kyle: Yeah, and someone probably sticks his hand up Cartman's butt all the time, too. Cartman: You would want to stick your hand up my butt you dildo! Chef: Good morning, kids. How's the new substitute teacher? Stan: She's OK. Kyle: Yeah, she hasn't given us a test all week. Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Chef (laughing): Yes, I'd like to give her that myself. In fact today, when she comes in for lunch, I'm going to sing her a special song I wrote just for her, to welcome her to South Park Elementary. Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Chef: Who knows! Stan: Well, so long Chef. Cartman: Salisbury steaks -- kick ass!! [Children go to table to eat. Enter Ms. Ellen Gannet, the substitute teacher] Ms. Ellen: This looks delicious! All the children say you're a wonderful little cook. Chef: Speaking of delicious, I've got something to say. Ms. Ellen: Uh huh. Chef: I'd just like to sing you a little song to welcome you to our elementary school family. Ms. Ellen: Oh Chef! DAMMIT, MS. GANNET (to the tune of "Dammit, Janet" -- obviously!) [Children sing the "Gannet" replies] CHEF My passion's so hot they might ban it (Gannet) Your body is mine, let me man it (Gannet) So please, don't make me right-hand it (Gannet) I'm down on my knees praying Dammit, Ms. Gannet, let's make sweet love! My rod is long, let me ram it (Gannet) There's a fire in my loins, let me cram it (Gannet) My love tool for you's hard as granite (Gannet) I'm down on my knees praying Dammit, Ms. Gannet, let's make sweet love! Give me a ring, I'm getting stiffer Let me tell you how big I'll grow That's three times bigger than Frank Gifford's Oh, E-L-L-E-N, let's make sweet love! [Ms. Ellen looks shocked, drops her tray and runs out of room. Camera moves to children sitting at table with lunches. Close-up on Cartman's tray, which is stacked to capacity with food (picture John Belushi's lunch tray in "Animal House". He also has a big bag of Cheesy Poofs with a "Farley Flavors Food" logo on it...] CARTMAN Oh, it's nicer than Salisbury Steak... Beefcake! Now I'm so buff and I'm no fake... Beefcake! Someday on TV I'll be so great... Beefcake! I've one thing to say and that's food, you're good, For me too... Oh, food... KYLE Goddammit! CARTMAN You're good... STAN You fat ass! CARTMAN I'm buff... STAN You're a super fat ass... CARTMAN There's much more left to eat... That's sweet... [Kyle says "Dammit!"s] STAN You're such a fat ass we can't stand it (Dammit!) When we saw all the food that you cram it (Dammit!) Made us start to get sick and then panic (Dammit!) When you walk down the street they yell "Dammit, Cartman, you fat ass!" Dammit, Cartman... CARTMAN Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!! KYLE Dammit, Cartman! STAN & KYLE You fat ass! [Wendy Testaberger walks by and drops a note on Stan's tray without saying a word. Cut to the set of "Jesus and Pals". The Lord is sitting in his chair by the phone, and looks up at the camera] Jesus: I would like, if I may, to tell you a strange parable. Yea, it seemed a fairly ordinary night when Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny; four young, ordinary, healthy kids, went into the woods on a camping/hunting trip with Stan's uncle Jimbo, and Jimbo's war buddy Ned. It's true there were liquor bottles, heavy, full, and 80-proof, from which they were driving. It's true, also, that Jimbo's sense of direction wasn't very good even on those few occasions when he was sober... But yea, they were not going to let a little thing like getting lost spoil the events of their evening, were they? On a night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time. Amen. [Inside Uncle Jimbo's new truck. Jimbo and Ned are in the front seat; Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are in the back seat. The radio is on, playing "Jesus and Pals"] Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's the third bag of Cheesy Poofs you've eaten already! Cartman: Shut up, you damned Jew! I don't complain when you eat all your goddamned Jew foods around me! Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? I eat all of the same things you do! You just eat ten times as much you fat pig! Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm big boned!! Jesus (on the radio): OK, Richard from San Clemente, you're on the air! Nixon (on the radio): I have never been a quitter... [Nixon speech continues in background, with occasional "Uh huh", "Really?" and "Oh..." comments from Jesus] Stan: What's the matter, Uncle Jimbo? Jimbo: I think we might have taken a wrong turn a few miles back. Stan: Don't tell me we're lost! Jimbo: OK, I won't tell you. Ned: I don't recognize anything here... Jimbo: Well, I guess we'll just have to turn around and find the road again. [Suddenly, there is a loud bang and the car comes to a halt. The car is filled with flying Cheesy Poofs] Cartman: Son of a bitch! Ned: What was that bang? Jimbo: We must have blown something. Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff? Ned: Oh man that's disgusting! Jimbo: And I just got the insurance company to buy me this truck after my last one blew up! Well, this looks as good a place as any to set up camp. Cartman: But we didn't have dinner yet! Where will we find food in the middle of nowhere? Jimbo: It is a hunting trip, son. We'll go out and shoot some grub. Come on, let's get our gear out of the truck. [ALL exit from car, and start walking through the woods. There is a light rain falling, and Jimbo is holding a copy of "Crack Whore" magazine (with Mrs. Cartman on the cover) over his head.] THE HUNTING SONG (to the tune of "Over At The Frankenstein Place") JIMBO Move quietly you all Up against the wall Standing tall, there's a grizzly beer But we're hunters; nothing to fear NED Kumbaya... JIMBO Look out, it's coming right for us! NED If they're so sma-a-art... JIMBO Why do they live igloos? NED There's a shotgun, shotgun JIMBO In the gun rack for every one of us. [Wendy has stowed away in the back of the jeep. She sings softly; none of the men hear her] WENDY This hunting must stop Through the forests of God's creatures Go, hunters, go Go to sleep, let Stan and I walk Into the woods... Into the woods... NED Kumbaya... JIMBO Look out, it's coming right for us! NED If they're so sma-a-art... JIMBO Why do they live igloos? NED There's a shotgun, shotgun JIMBO In the gun rack for every one of us. [Jimbo blasts the cute, innocent bear. Cut to "Jesus and Pals" set, with Officer Barbrady (who, you'll notice, has no fucking neck) sitting in a chair beside Jesus] Barbrady: Nothing is happening, there's nothing to see here... Or is there? Jesus: OK, let's take another caller... [Cut to kids (all for boys, and Wendy) walking through forest] Wendy: I hope your uncle won't be upset that we went looking for help. Cartman: I'm upset that you brought along your little girlfriend! Stan (to Cartman): She's not... [Wendy turns and stares at Stan] Stan: I mean, ummm... Cartman: Wendy and Stan, sitting in a tree... Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff! Cartman: That's not how you spell "kissing"! [All boys (after a pause) laugh, Wendy looks disgusted] Stan: I didn't know she was in the trunk, I didn't get to read the letter she gave me... Kyle: Look, there some kind of castle up on that hill! Stan: A castle? Really? Cartman: Umm, guys, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm hungry... Kyle: You're just scared you fat ass! Cartman: I'm not scared and I'm not fat, goddammit!! Wendy: Come on, they might have a phone. Stan: Cool! Check out the gargoyles! Kyle: They look like Scooby Doo on acid. Cartman: Man, gargoyles piss me off! Wendy: Why do you hate gargoyles, Cartman? Cartman: Well, you know... You'll be walking along, minding your own business and suddlenly they'll drop out of the trees, drag you behind a bush, and pull down your pants until you yell out, "Hey! You gargoyles! Stop touching my nuts!!" [Brief pause while the other kids, confused, stare at Cartman] Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? Cartman: I'm just talking about gargoyles. I hate those things! Wendy: Cartman, gargoyles are Gothic waterspouts in the form of grotesque humans or animals... They're a classic art form! Cartman: Oh, garGOYLES. Yeah, I like those. Stan: What were you talking about, Cartman? Cartman: Nothing... Stan: No! What drops out of trees, drags you behind a bush... Cartman: Nothing... Stan: And touches your nuts? Cartman: NOTHI-ING!!! [Wendy knocks on door. After a brief pause, during which they have to grab Cartman and keep him from running away, the door is opened by RIFF RAFF. Riff Raff is a tall, pale, balding, emaciated-looking man dressed in a disheveled and dirty butler's uniform. If you can picture Richard O'Brien rendered in South Park-style construction paper animation, it looks cool! His voice, of course, is imitated. Badly.] Riff Raff: Hello. Stan: Hi! My name is Stan Marsh, these are my friends Wendy, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. [Riff Raff remains unimpressed] Stan: We were hoping you could help us. We got lost in the woods. Do you have a phone we could use? Riff Raff (to Cartman): You're fat. Stan (hesistantly): Ye-e-es... Cartman: I'm big boned! Ah, fuck you. [Lightning flashes. The kids turn and see a long line of cows going into a side door of the castle] Riff Raff: I think perhaps you'd better all come inside. Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff! Riff Raff: As long as you clean up afterwards. Wendy: You're too kind. [They all enter. I don't think I need to describe the inside of the castle, do I? Just remember to imagine it all rendered in construction paper.] Wendy: What kind of place is this? Kyle: It looks like that genetical engineering place... Riff Raff: This way. Stan: Are you having a party? Cartman: Is there any food? Riff Raff: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs. Wendy: Oh, lucky him. Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha... LET'S GO TO SOUTH PARK AGAIN (to the tune of "The Time Warp") RIFF RAFF It's delightful Frosty's frightful Jesus has a goal He's stalking Santa... MAGENTA And chanting a mantra RIFF RAFF I've got the remote control... I remember watching "The Spirit Of Christmas" those moments when The internet hit me MAGENTA And since then I've been calling... [Riff Raff and Magenta chase the kids through a door into the ballroom. In there are the Transylvanians, several cows, Brian Boitano, and Kathy Lee Gifford (a Groupie). A huge banner reads "BIG GAY FRANK'S BIG GAY TRANSYLVANIAN CONVENTION".] TRANSYLVANIANS Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! [Cut to "Jesus and Pals" set for all of the Narrator's lines. The Narrator, of course, is Penn Jilette, who does commercial voice-overs for Comedy Central. Teller, seated at the right hand of our Lord, does not speak.] NARRATOR It's just a bunch of young scamps TRANSYLVANIANS In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark NARRATOR It's why they made the V-Chip TRANSYLVANIANS And the humor's da-a-ark Whenever Kenny dies It really drives me insane... Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! MAGENTA It's so funny, oh Stan shoot the bunny! You don't need any money, no, not at all. For every episode, With my South Park Drinking Game code On my cable, I watch all. RIFF RAFF Cartman is a big goof MAGENTA He's into those Cheese Poofs [Cartman notices the pastry table, and mutters "Snacky cakes? Kick ass!"] RIFF RAFF And chugging a big can of "Weight Gain" MAGENTA He's a buffed up sensation RIFF RAFF Like he's receiving inflation TRANSYLVANIANS Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! KATHY LEE Well I was in the talent show just a-doing my scene Beat this short balding kid in a shirt of green He and his puppet, they planned a surprise Mister Hat's head spun around, he had glowing eyes He shot at me, but I got away Found this castle, been here since that day TRANSYLVANIANS Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! NARRATOR It's just a bunch of young scamps TRANSYLVANIANS In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark NARRATOR It's why they made the V-Chip TRANSYLVANIANS And the humor's da-a-ark Whenever Kenny dies It really drives me insane... Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! [Kathy Lee does her tap dance. Naturally, unlike Columbia, she does NOT hit the steps and fall... Because she used choreography! How could we compete with that?] TRANSYLVANIANS Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! NARRATOR It's just a bunch of young scamps TRANSYLVANIANS In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark NARRATOR It's why they made the V-Chip TRANSYLVANIANS And the humor's da-a-ark Whenever Kenny dies It really drives me insane... Let's go to South Park again! Let's go to South Park again! [All (except kids) collapse on the floor, seemingly unconscious] Wendy (not directed at any boy in particular): Say something. Cartman: Hey, do you guys have any Cheesy Poofs? [Transylvanians slowly get up and start leering at the kids. Kids slowly start backing away.] Stan: Dudes, let's get the hell out of here. Kyle: Get a grip, man. It's just an adult party. Only we get to see what happens this time because our parents haven't put us to bed first. Cartman: I've seen my mom's parties. Kyle: Dude, we've ALL seen your mom's parties in "Crack Whore" magazine. Cartman: At least my mother's not the bitch that got "Terrence and Phillip" cancelled! Kyle: I told you not to call my mother a bitch, fat ass! Cartman [doing the butt-wiggle]: B-b-b-bi-bi-b-bitch! Your... mom... is... a... b-b-b-bi-bi-b-bitch!! [Cartman and Kyle start fighting] Wendy: Come on Stan, let's go. Stan: We shouldn't go anywhere until we get to a phone. Wendy: Well then, ask that butler or someone. Stan: I don't want to ask the butler, YOU ask the butler! Wendy [in her soft voice]: But Stan, I don't want to do it alone... Stan: you've got nothing to worry about... [At that point Big Gay Frank appears behind them in the elevator which they've backed up against. Frank, like Riff Raff and Magenta, is a South Park cardboard representation of the Rocky Horror character. Kenny immediately whimpers and tightens his hood. Wendy screams and throws her arms around Stan. Stan throws up.] Wendy: Ew! I'M JUST A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT (to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite") BIG GAY FRANK How do they do it There's nothing to it South Park characters... We're just cut out and drawn on And then we've gone on To be scanned into computers... Don't get turned-off by the way we look Don't judge a show by its budget We don't get as much money as Buster Bunny But we'll make you laugh so hard you'll vomit I'm just a cardboard cut-out From Comedy Central's South Park marathon Let me show your our town Or dress Stan like a clown We can watch Terrence and Phil on the tube And we can do something, maybe Like play "Kick the Baby" Or something with my big Hoobajoob... STAN We're sorry to drop by your home Could we use your phone? We'll be out of here on the double WENDY Right. STAN We'll just behave real good Then go back to the woods We don't want to cause any trouble BIG GAY FRANK Well you got lost in the woods, well, not too good Well, kiddies, don't you worry By the time the night is done we will all have some fun And I'll get you back home in a hurry I'm just a cardboard cut-out From Comedy Central's South Park marathon Why don't you stay for the while? RIFF RAFF While. BIG GAY FRANK And give me a smile? KATHY LEE Smile. BIG GAY FRANK I could show you my latest experiment I've been making a man With blond hair and a tan And he's good for restoring my... temperament I'm just a cardboard cut-out From Comedy Central's South Park marathon BEEFACKE! I'm just a cardboard cut-out FRANK, KATHY LEE, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA Cardboard cut-out BIG GAY FRANK From Comedy Central's KATHY LEE, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA South Park marathon BIG GAY FRANK Kids, come up to the lab Yes, you, the one with the flab I'll give you some of those Cheesy [pause] Poofs But maybe your genes Will splice with Lima Beans So I'll remove some blood Before I get boofs... [Frank pokes Stan with a needle, then exits up the elevator] Stan: Hey! Wendy: Oh, Stan! Kyle: Don't worry about it. We'll play along for now and see what happens. Cartman: They may have Cheesy Poofs. Focus on the Cheesy Poofs. [Riff and Magenta try to take the coats and hats from the boys; Kenny leaps in the elevator which has returned, Cartman squeals, and the others just say things like "Hey! Let go!"] Kathy Lee: Don't worry! It's too nice here to fight! I love you! God loves you! Stan: Screw you, we're going to talk to Brian Boitano... Kathy Lee: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Only special people get to go to the lab. Cartman: We're gonna the lab, we're gonna see the lab... Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting. Magenta: Shift it! [Kids are herded into elevator.] Wendy (to Magenta): Is he, um, Frank I mean - is he your husband? Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his servants. Cartman: That man is definitely a gay homosexual. [Elevator arrives at lab. You know the scenery.] Frank: Magenta, Columbia - go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain... uh huh huh... [Reaches out to shake hands with kids.] Cartman (squeals): Don't touch me! [Hides behind Kenny] Stan: I'm Stan Marsh; and these are my friends, Wendy, Kyle, and Kenny. We call the one hiding behind Kenny "Fat Ass". Cartman: Hey! Frank: Enchante. [Frank kisses Wendy's hand. Wendy giggles, Stan looks a little jealous] Frank: It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality. Stan: You wouldn't be related to a guy named Big Gay Al, would you? Kyle: All we want to do is to use your telephone, dude. Frank (ignoring Kyle): Do you have any tattoos, Stan? Stan: I wish! Frank (to Wendy): Oh well,.. how about you? Wendy (a la Homer Simpson): Ummmm... No... Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... word. [Riff walks over to a control panel and stands ready. Frank stands between Magenta and Kathy Lee and gives the standard speech from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"] Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... You are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... [Frank's speech continues in the background, as the scene focuses on the kids] Cartman: That man is so gay. Stan: Dude! There's nothing wrong with being gay! Cartman: Stan wants to kiss... Doctor Frank-N-Furter... Wendy (to herself): I know I do... Stan: I do not! Kyle: Yeah, you never threw up once when he talked to you! Frank (continuing speech): It took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT! [Frank pauses, unsure what to say next.] Magenta & Kathy Lee (whisper): And that's when I discovered... Frank: Oh, yeah, right. Let's start again. Three, two, one. An accident! And that's when I discovered... [Cut back to kids. Speech continues in background.] Stan: I just want to use a phone, that's all. Kyle: I don't know, I think I want to see what happens next. [Frank moves to stand in front of a huge tank; Magenta and Kathy Lee follow. The children stop talking and watch] Frank: You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Hoopla!! Kyle: What does "Hoopla" mean? Cartman: It's a kind of corn snack food, like Fritos or Bugles. [Quick shot of Riff throwing switches, then back to the kids] Kyle: Do you ever stop thinking about food? Cartman: Do you ever stop singing about that stupid dreidel? [Kyle is about to hit Cartman. Cartman cringes. Stan jumps in between them. Quick shot of Frank playing with the nozzles over the tank, clearly marked "Worcestershire Sauce", then back to the kids] Wendy (in admiration): Oh, Stan! [Cartman is still cringing, eyes closed] Stan: It's all right, Cartman! Kyle (pointing to tank): Look!! [The tank has drained, and the creation within stirs. It looks just like the clone of Stan from the Elephant/Pig episode. Quick shot of the kids gaping in awe, then return to the monster which we'll call ROCKY HORROR because I haven't had any better ideas. Anyway, Magenta and Kathy Lee undress him until he's wearing only the hat and gloves (one is huge) that Stan wears, and gold speedos. Riff returns to the control panel and throws another switch.] Rocky (eyes pop open): I like to sing-a... About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a... I like to sing-a... About the sky of blue and tea for two... Kyle: What the hell was that? Frank: He has only one ass! He is of no use to me! Stan: Why would Frank want him to have more than one ass? Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Wendy: Ewww, gross!! [Magenta pulls off both of Rocky's gloves, and turns them inside out to use later. When the larger glove is removed, we see on Rocky's right hand -- MISTER HAT!! Rocky starts to run around the lab in panic, singing through Mister Hat] GREAT BIG HOOBAJOOB (to the tune of "Sword of Damocles") ROCKY A great big hoobajoob is hanging over my butt And I've got the feeling that the thread is gonna be cut Oh, look at me I've been spliced genetically And can't you see That I'm about to get an big anal prober I woke up this morning after having some bogus nightmares ALL That was no dream ROCKY And woke from my dreaming all surrounded by cattle and queers ALL That was no dream ROCKY My butt is sore I'll be walking funny forevermore And what's it for Cuz I'm about to get an big anal prober FRANK Oh, Rocky! ALL Sha-la-la-la That was no dream ROCKY Bachomp, bachomp! ALL Sha-la-la-la That was no dream ROCKY Bachomp, bachomp! ALL Sha-la-la-la That was no dream ROCKY Bachomp, bachomp! [The following verse is a parody of the Criminologist's from the stage version of "The Rocky Horror Show" which was left out of the movie] STAN Rocky Horror, you're a clone of mine You're not bad, in fact you are just fine You're the product of some genes of mine Are you ready? Here comes your line... ALL Here comes your line ROCKY A great big hoobajoob is hanging over my butt ALL That was no dream ROCKY And I've got the feeling that the thread is gonna be cut ALL That was no dream ROCKY Oh, look at me I've been spliced genetically And can't you see That I'm about to get an big anal prober ALL Sha-la-la-la That was no dream ROCKY Bachomp, bachomp! ALL Sha-la-la-la That was no dream ROCKY Bachomp, bachomp! ALL Sha-la-la-la That was no dream That was no dream Sha-la-la-la! Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out. Rocky: Me bad? Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you. Rocky: Bachomp, bachewy chomp chomp!! Frank: Oh, I just love success. Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master. Frank: Yes. Magenta: A triumph of your will. Frank: Yes. Kathy Lee: Can we splice an elephant and a pig now? I want a pot-bellied elephant! Frank: What?!? You know pig and elephant DNA just don't splice! Kathy Lee: Oh yeah, that's right. We had Loverboy on our show once... Frank: Humph! Well, Stan and Wendy, what do you think of him? Wendy: Well, I like a man with two free hands... Cartman: Rocky has three free hands; his and Mister Hat's. Stan: SHUT UP, FAT ASS!! Frank: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch's seal of approval! ONE ASS (to the tune of "The Charles Atlas Song") BIG GAY FRANK A monster having only one ass Is just useless to me; I've failed in my task But there in the tank with chemicals that stank I spliced all his cells and they started to swell I'll make him from Stan... James Dean... And Mister Hat, and just a little bit of Bean He's a freak and quite mean He'll be a strange man. Oh honey... TRANSYLVANIANS You're a deranged man... BIG GAY FRANK He'll drink some Weight Gain 4000 Take exercise class Try to bulk him up nicely To super-fine ass Then, my monster, if you only knew what will pass I think I'll love you... FRANK & TRANSYLVANIANS Even with your one ass... He'll scare children, aliens, cows and cops, and other jerks And Mister Garrison, we're through with his quirks Everything I needed I learned in his class Maybe I can love you, oh baby... Even with your one ass... [A loud knocking sound comes from a closet door off in a corner of the lab] Frank: What? Who? Kathy Lee: Regis? [Mister Garrison comes out of the closet(snicker). There is a bloody stump where his right hand (and Mister Hat) used to be] TOILET HUMOR (to the tune of "Hot Patootie") GARRISON Whatever happened to Saturday shows All those classic cartoons that we watched long ago? It don't seem the same since Fritz the Cat Showed us all that cartoons fucked, cursed, and shat Now we watch the Simpsons every Sunday night And listen to Beavis and Butthead fight The Japanese have cartoons you must see to believe When the Warners sing about Uranus I really have to grieve Toilet humor, it's the thing A waste of time and demeaning Toilet humor, it's the thing Innuendo and name-calling Toilet humor, it's the thing Flatulence makes your buttocks sing Toilet humor, it's the thing Work those muscles like the chicks in Beijing I had green apple splatters, boy did they smell When kids question Mister Hat he damns them to hell I'd slip out of the class at night and then meet a swine Forget about elephant DNA, the piglet was mine Go to the store, pick up "Crack Whore" mag Mrs. Cartman was posing like a desperate hag With excuses about prostates they try to get out of class All those dirty words, woo! like diarrhea, fart and ass Toilet humor, it's the thing A waste of time and demeaning Toilet humor, it's the thing Innuendo and name-calling Toilet humor, it's the thing Flatulence makes your buttocks sing Toilet humor, it's the thing Work those muscles like the chicks in Beijing [Frank pulls walks over to an "In Case of Fire" box hanging on the wall, breaks the glass, and pulls out an axe. He chases Mister Garrison around the lab, swinging the axe wildly. One of his swings hits Kenny, flinging him into the closet.] Kyle: Oh, my god! They killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!!! [Mister Garrison trips and falls to the floor. Frank catches up and decapitates him. Kathy Lee is screaming, the kids are cheering, Rocky is just confused] Rocky: Bachewy chomp? Frank: Oh baby! Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... He had a certain naive charm, but no choreography... ONE ASS (reprise) (to the tune of "The Charles Atlas Song(reprise)") BIG GAY FRANK But DNA from a monkey Some swiss cheese and a donkey [Frank boogies with a midget in a bikini] BIG GAY FRANK I can, oooh, splice Makes me want to take Rocky Horror for some vi-i-ice FRANK & TRANSYLVANIANS In think I'll love you even with your one ass BIG GAY FRANK I don't want no laxatives, just gluteus maximus KATHY LEE I want some sweet loo-ove BIG GAY FRANK In think I'll love you even with your one ass I think that you pass! In think I'll love you even with your one ass [The big heavy curtains are raised and Frank leads Rocky off into the bedroom... You know the drill!] Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! [etc.] Kyle: Dude, this is seriously fucked-up right here. Kenny (emerging from closet): Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff! Stan: Hey, look, Kenny's all right! [Setting: "Jesus and Pals" set] Jesus: Yea, it is said that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. But lo, as the children were in the valley of the shadow of cheap sex, they felt apprehensive and uneasy. This feeling did grow feeling as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms. [In the background, Cartman whining "But I don't want to go to bed yet! when do we get dinner?" Scene shifts to a pink bedroom, with Wendy in bed. Someone enters, and she sits up] Wendy: Who is it? Who's there? Stan: It's only me, Wendy. Wendy: Oh, Stan, come on in. Maybe we can finally kiss now... Stan: It's all right, Wendy, everything's going to be alright. [Stan and Wendy kiss.] Wendy: Hey! You didn't throw up! Wait a minute... [Wendy pulls off "Stan's" hat, revealing that Stan is, in fact, Big Gay Frank!!!] Wendy (screams): OHHH! Oh it's you! Frank: I'm afraid so, Wendy, but isn't it nice... Wendy: You tricked me... [Frank tries to kiss her again] Wendy: Oh, stop... I mean help... Stan! Stan!! [Wendy knees Frank in the groin, and runs out of the room] Frank: They do grow up quickly these days... [Scene shifts to another bedroom... Actually, the same one, but this time everything is tinted green. Cartman hears a noise and sits up] Cartman: Who is it? Who's there? [A large bag of Cheesy Poofs enters, and runs to the bed] Poofs: It's only me, Eric. Cartman: Cheesy Poofs! Kick ass!! [Cartman grunts and pulls the bag up onto the bed. He tears the bag open to reveal -- Big Gay Frank!!!] Cartman (screams): Hey! Why can't I get anything to eat around here!! What is this, Etheropia? Frank: Well, Eric, tonight's the night that Cheesy Poofs get to eat you! Cartman: No! You tricked me!! Frank: The others needn't know... I won't tell them... [Scene ends... If you want to see more, you're sick! Anyway, we now move to the lab, where Riff and Magenta are cleaning up after the big convention. Actually, they're mostly watching Frank's antics on the monitor.] Riff: He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass. [They notice Rocky sleeping on Frank's bed, and get evil glints in their eyes.] Riff: I don't understand what the master sees in it. Magenta: It has a nice ass... Riff: It's a monster! Magenta: It still has a nice ass! Riff: It's still a monster! [Riff grabs a menorah and threatens Rocky] Rocky: Bah! Fire bad! Bachomp bachomp bachewy chomp chomp!! [Rocky breaks the restraints holding him to the bed, and escapes. Scene changes to a purple-tinted bedroom, just like the others. Cartman's mom, wearing a flimsy neglige and carrying a crack pipe, comes running into the room, waking up Kyle.] Mrs. Cartman: Oh, Kyle, it's no good here. You've got to help me! Kyle: Mrs. Cartman? What are you doing here? Mrs. Cartman (climbs into bed with Kyle): Oh, Kyle, you're so strong and protective. Kyle: Are we going to make sweet love now? Cool! [Kyle grabs the crack pipe, revealing that Mrs. Cartman is, in fact, Big Gay Frank!] Kyle: YOU! Frank: I'm afraid so, Kyle, but isn't it nice... Kyle: What have you done with Mrs. Cartman? Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should? Kyle: Nothing? You must be the only one South Park that hasn't! Frank: Yes, well, ummm... Kyle, it wouldn't be all bad, would it? Kyle: Stop it...stop it you faggot... Frank: Shhh! Your friends are probably asleep by now, do you want them to see you... like this! [Frank yanks Kyle's pants down] Frank: Wait a minute, where's the rest of it? Kyle (yanks pants up): Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame! Frank: You never told me you were Jewish! Kyle: Don't belittle my people, you gay fuck! [AP: 'Don't belittle my PENIS!'] [Kyle chases Frank out of the room, cursing and yelling. Scene changes to another bedroom, identical to the others except for being orange tinted. Stan's sister Shelley comes running in, waking Kenny.] Shelley: Kenny, thank God I found shomeone normal in here! Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Shelley: In the morning? OK, but you have to protect me... [Shelley climbs into bed with Kenny. Kenny grabs her headgear and rips it off, revealing -- Big Gay Frank!!] Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Frank: Yes, I know. But it won't be half bad, it might even be quite pleasurable, actually... There's no crime giving yourself over to pleasure... Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Frank (disgusted at what Kenny just suggested): Good lord, THAT should certainly be a crime! Even *I* don't do THAT! You ARE a dirty little bastard! [Frank leaves. Kenny shrugs, goes back to sleep. Yet another identical bedroom, tinted blue. Stan is in bed. Wendy comes running in, and Stan checks his Teiko watch (4:20) and sits up] Wendy: Oh, Stan, it's no good here. We've got to leave! Stan: Don't worry Wendy, we'll be away from here in the morning. Wendy (tries to climb into bed with Stan): Oh, Stan, you're so strong and protective. Stan: Wait a minute! You're not Wendy! She never acts afraid like that! Wendy: But Stan... Stan: Get out! Get out! [Stan beats Wendy with a pillow and chases her out of the room and into the hallway. She runs away, crying, and he walks back into the room. He sees Frank waiting there on his bed, wearing a Chewbacca mask.] Stan: God damn it!!! [Frank starts to move toward Stan...] Stan: Don't be gay, Frank! Don't be gay! [The lights start flashing and Riff Raff's face appears on a monitor screen on the wall] Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the castle grounds. Magenta has just released... the dogs. Frank: Mmmmm? Coming! [Cut to the lab. Wendy enters, still crying...] Wendy: What's happening here? Oh, Stan, how could you do that to me? Oh, if only I hadn't come along... if only we hadn't gotten lost... [Wendy notices the monitor, and starts flipping switches... Various castle rooms (empty), outside shots, and locations in South Park flash by on the screen. She stops when she sees a familiar face -- Chef, sitting on his bed smoking, with two women (from "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe") asleep behind him.] Chef's two women: Tell us about it, Chef! Ha ha ha! ONCE IN A WHILE (to the tune of "Once In a While") [Note: "Once In a While" is a song from "The Rocky Horror Show" which did not make it into the movie. The actual lyrics can be easily found on-line, and any album of the stage show will have this song on it (the "Rocky Horror International" CD has the version Barry Bostwick sang for the movie). A reconstruction of the scene can be found on one of the RHPS laserdiscs.] CHEF Once in a while When you want some sweet love You call a girl on the telephone You get in your car, go to a bar You say some junk and get her drunk And take her home... And most of the time That's all it takes To get a chick to ride your bone The stronger the wine The better your chances get To do something with that someone You barely know... So, baby don't cry Tomorrow morning All of you white women feel that way There's not too much pain I'll call you again So lots of luck, here's twenty bucks Get on your way And most of the time That's all it takes To get greased and get a piece So give her wine to have a good time If you're not sore and you want some more To score again... Wendy: I'm so confused! What's happening here? Where's Stan? Where's anybody? Oh, Stan, how could you chase me away like that? If only I hadn't come along on this trip... If only we hadn't gotten lost... Oh, if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons! [Wendy hears a groaning coming from the tank... She walks over, pulls back a red sheet, and discovers Rocky. Rocky has some dirt and scratches on his face and arms, and seems frightened.] Wendy: Oh, but you're hurt... Did they do this to you? Here, let me help... [Cut to the "Jesus and Pals" set, where our Divine Narrator is reading from a large, impressive-looking book on a gold stand. A red, silk ribbon is in place as a bookmark, and the typeface is a beautiful gold-edged calligraphy. Jesus looks up at the camera and closes the book. The cover informs us that Jesus was not reading the bible, but rather the collected works of Jackie Collins...] Jesus: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind... Lustful or sinful mental state. Actually, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on premarital sex truly is. So I'd like to state once and for all my true opinion. You see- [Suddenly, the image is replaced by a card that reads 'South Park Public Access'] Voice-over announcer: That's all the time we have left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Magenta's Movie Reviews! [Cut to Magenta and Kathy Lee Gifford in Kathy Lee's room, watching a monitor. On the monitor are Wendy and Rocky.] Kathy Lee and Magenta: Tell us about it, Wendy. [Cut to Wendy and Rocky in lab. For all of Kathy Lee and Magenta's lines, cut briefly to them in Kathy Lee's room, then return to Wendy and Rocky.] KISS-A KISS-A KISS-A KISS ME* (to the tune of "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me") * [For those of you hoping for something ruder -- Sick, dude, she's only eight years old!!] WENDY I was angry at Stan, I'm no fan Of how he always barfs at me Magenta: You mean he... Kathy Lee: Ewwww!! WENDY I hoped someday he'd miss me Maybe even kiss me But all he ever does is Just piss me off... Now all I want to do Find someone new I like my Stan but I want more MAGENTA & KATHY LEE More, more, more! WENDY He won't regurgitate, he Won't tell his friends he hates me He is strong and silent Won't irritate me Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me Tell me that I'm pretty hug me, hug me, don't bug me Creature like my Stan Then if our love ends, we'll be friends I'll call you up and we'll hang out MAGENTA & KATHY LEE Out, out, out! WENDY We'll play "Missile Bombardment" At my mom's apartment We'll even double-date But I hate Cartman! Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me Tell me that I'm pretty hug me, hug me, don't bug me Creature like my Stan Kathy Lee: Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me Magenta: Tell me that I'm pretty Kathy Lee: hug me, hug me, don't bug me Magenta: Creature like her Stan WENDY Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me Tell me that I'm pretty hug me, hug me, don't bug me Creature like my Stan Rocky: Ba-chomp chewy chomp! Stan: Ba-chomp chewy chomp? Frank: Ba-chomp chewy chomp. Cartman: Ba-chomp chewy chomp, god damn it! Kyle: Ba-chomp chewy chomp. Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff. Rocky: Ba-chomp chewy chomp! Wendy: Ba-chomp chewy chomp, oh! [Cut to elevator. Frank is whipping Riff Raff. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are all riding the elevator. The whip is passing awfully close to Kenny on Frank's backswings, and he looks nervous...] Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy! Frank: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching! Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...master Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. Kyle: Forget that! See if you can find Terrence and Phillip on the monitor! [Frank glares are Kyle, who immediately shuts up and ducks behind Stan] Cartman (to Kyle): I'd never let a gay homosexual talk to me like that! If he tried, I'd be all like, "Hey! Gay boy! Why don't you get your bitch ass into the living room and pick me out some drapes!" [Frank spins around. Kenny ducks to avoid the whip] Frank: Who said that? [Cartman points to Kenny] Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor. [Frank and the kids all walk over to look at the monitor. There is a man sitting in a wheelchair] Stan: Hey, Grandpa! That's my grandpa. Riff Raff: You know this earthling ...person? Stan: Yeah, I do! He's my silly old grandpa! Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose. Cartman: Porpoises are stupid! Stan: I told you, we got lost in the woods. I was telling the truth. Frank: I know what you told me... but your grandpa, this man is not unknown to me. Stan: So how do you know him? Frank: Well, umm, let's just say it has nothing to do with the Japanese mafia. Riff Raff: Not a thingy-dingy! Stan: Huh? Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master. Frank: He'll probably be in the disco. Shall we inquire of him in person? [Frank throws a switch on the control panel. Cut to grandpa in the Big Gay Disco. Suddenly, the wheelchair zips across the floor seemingly out of control, causing Transylvanians, cows, and Brian Boitano to leap out of the way. The chair zips up two flights of stairs, pulled by an almost unnoticible string, runs around Magenta and Kathy Lee, and finally crashes through a wall and into the lab] Stan: Holy shit! Grandpa: Goddammit, they don't make walls like they used to! In the old days, crashing into a wall like that would have killed me for sure! [The wheelchair zips down towards the control panel. Kenny, keeping an eye on Frank's whip, doesn't see the chair coming right for him] Riff Raff (pointing to wheelchair): Look out! It's coming right for us! [Kenny spins just in time to see the chair and whimper before it runs him over and -- yes -- kills him.] Kyle: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Stan: You bastards! Grandpa (whacks Stan with cane): Watch your mouth, you ingrate! Frank: Don't play games, Grandpa Marsh. You know perfectly well what Stan and his friends are doing here. Grandpa: You mean little Billy? Frank (annoyed): Whatever!! It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his friends should check the layout for you? Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Grandpa. I know the fat kid is. Cartman: Hey! Grandpa: Billy's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I was in the forest hoping to get killed by natural causes. [Suddenly, a sound comes from the tank. Frank strides over, pulls the red sheet aside, and reveals Wendy and Rocky! And they both (gasp!) AREN'T WEARING THEIR HATS!! OH MY GOD!!!] Frank: Rocky! Rocky: Me bad? Stan: Wendy! Wendy: Stan! [Stan barfs] Wendy: Ewww! Frank: Rocky! Rocky: Me bad? Stan: Wendy! Wendy: Stan! [Stan barfs] Wendy: Ewww! Frank: Rocky! Rocky: Me bad? Stan: Wendy! Wendy: Stan! [Stan barfs] Wendy: Ewww! Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily. Magenta (bangs gong): Master, dinner is prepared! Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. [Exit all. Kenny's body is left behind, and is quickly carried off by rats. Cut to: Jesus, sitting at KJ's Buffet, in a scene reminiscent of "The Last Supper"] Jesus: Yea, food has always played a vital role in life's rituals. Take this and eat it, in memory of me. Random South Park Citizen: Eat *this*, Jesus! [Jesus doesn't even acknowledge the comment, but lightning from the heavens swift and sure incinerates the RSPC] Jesus: However informal this meal might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little bonhomie. [pause] Could someone please pass the ketchup? [Cut to the castle's dining room. Kathy Lee Gifford, Rocky, and all of the children are gathered at the table. Big Gay Frank is at the head of the table, and Grandpa Marsh is at the other end. Grandpa has seven forks, and is testing each one to see if he can reach a power outlet and kill himself.] Grandpa: God damn it! [Riff Raff and Magenta enter with a large hunk of meat on a tray, which the drop in front of Frank for him to cut.] Cartman: What? No appetizers? Stan: Shut up, fat ass! Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big boned! Kathy Lee: No, Frank is big boned, you are a fat ass. [Kathy, Stan, and Kyle laugh] Cartman: I don't get it! Kyle: That's not what I heard! Why are you sitting so funny, Cartman? Cartman: Hey! Nothing happened, and if you think anything did, I'll kick you in the nuts! Besides, Stan should be sitting funny if you ask me. Stan: Huh? Cartman: Well, I mean, after the infamous Stan/Riff buttfuck scene and all... Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? [The children start to argue and swear at each other as Riff and Magenta walk around the table filling glasses. Finally, Frank clears his throat to get their attention.] Frank: A toast... to absent friends... All: To absent friends. Frank: And Rocky. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Rocky... Shall we? [Only Wendy tries to sing the final line. Stan glares at her.] Dr. Scott: I came here to get killed, you son of a whore! Kyle: Well, just drink more of this wine. Ewww! [Riff and Magenta serve meat to all of the guests. Rocky wolfs his slice down and tries to grab Cartman's] Cartman: No, Rocky, that's my steak! No, Rocky! That's a bad Rocky Horror! Frank, Rocky's being a dildo!! Frank: Again? Hmmm, I made him better than I thought... Cartman: What? Kyle: I still can't believe Kenny's dead. Stan: Yeah, and we never did find out what happened to Mister Garrison. Kathy Lee: Mister Garrison? Where? Where? [Kathy Lee runs out in fright] Frank: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone? [Everyone stops eating except for Cartman and Rocky, who immediately start fighting over everyone else's food] Grandpa: God damn it, why is it everyone is getting killed except me? Billy, when are you going to be a good boy and kill Grandpa? Stan: We've already been through all of this, Grandpa! Grandpa: Well, what about you, you big fairy! Are you going to kill me? You've wanted to for years! Kyle: Hasn't there been enough killing already? KENNY (to the tune of "Eddie's Teddy") KYLE From the day that we met He had troubles He had no pet 'Cuz his family's poor We give him Pez STAN But we're never sure just what Kenny says KYLE We won't hear him anymore From the day that we met All that he had A hand-me-down coat And some gasoline Getting plastered STAN He was a dirty cheap little bastard KYLE Never managed to reach thirteen STAN & KYLE When Kenny said "Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff" You knew he was a sick, poor kid But when he gave up his life To a gun or knife FRANK What a gaff GRANDPA Makes you laugh CARTMAN And I did WENDY Everybody killed him The microwave, it grilled him I said, hey, listen to me Oh God, they just killed Kenny But he lost his eye to a mutant turkey KYLE But he must have just known Something's coming And so he warned Us in a note which reads... ALL What's it say? What's it say? KENNY'S VOICE Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff [Stan and Kyle look at each other in concern. Cartman and Wendy look shocked. Frank smirks. Grandpa is still trying to kill himself with the silverware. Only Riff and Magenta are confused, because they can't understand a word of the Kennyspeak] ALL When Kenny said "Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff" You knew he was a sick, poor kid But when he gave up his life To a gun or knife FRANK What a gaff GRANDPA Makes you laugh CARTMAN And I did ALL When Kenny said "Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff" You knew he was a sick, poor kid But when he gave up his life To a gun or knife FRANK What a gaff GRANDPA Makes you laugh CARTMAN And I did ALL Kenny... [Frank stand up and pulls the tablecloth off of the table; revealing the gutted body of Mister Garrison! The children scream!] Children: Scream! Frank: What's wrong? Mister Garrison turns himself inside-out all the time! Grandpa: Lucky stiff! [Wendy runs toward Stan, who immediately throws up. So, she runs past Stan and jumps into Rocky's arms] Frank: Rocky! How could you? Rocky: Me bad? [Rocky goes on a rampage and starts throwing furniture around. Frank pulls out an axe from under the table, and decapitates the clone. Mister Hat twitches twice. The children run off in different directions, with Frank in pursuit. Only Riff and Magenta remain] Riff & Magenta: Ha ha ha ha ha ha Riff: Shut UP! [Cut to staircase, where Frank is chasing Kyle. During the song, there are brief shots of Stan pushing Grandpa into the elevator, followed by Wendy and Cartman] WISE UP (to the tune of "Planet Shmanet") FRANK You shouldn't laugh; You'd better not smile You'd better wise up, little Kyle Aren't you glad that I use Dial? You'd better wise up, little Kyle I've laid your friend We should be near the end I was glad to see you lads Lost in the woods, no help for miles Now I'm angry, should I play "Kick the Kyle"? [Big Gay Frank and Kyle run into the lab; Stan, Grandpa, Wendy and Cartman also enter the lab from the elevator. Frank runs toward the control panel; the others all run towards each other in the center of the lab] FRANK You think your safe? Well, you're in denial You'd better wise up, little Kyle The transducer will seduce ya [Frank throws a switch on the control panel, and everyone else is immediately stuck to the floor where they stand] WENDY My feet! I can't move my feet! GRANDPA Will you just kill me and get it over with, goddammit! KYLE It's as if we're glued to the spot! FRANK You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools! WENDY We're trapped! FRANK It's something you'll get used to A mental mind fuck can be nice Cartman: How come when you say f*bleep*k, it doesn't get bleeped out like when we say f*bleep*k? [Riff and Magenta enter the lab, and slowly walk to the control panel. Frank is now standing in front of his victims] Kyle: You won't find South Park quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer... it is, I suppose, some kind of audio- vibratory physiomolecular transport device? Stan: You mean... Kyle: Yes, Stan, it's something I was working on for our next science fair. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself! Cartman: Sweet! Kyle: At least he knows how to travel in style! FRANK Style schmyle, Kyle! You'd better wise up, little Kyle You better wise up, make some pies up You better wise up [Quick cut to Jesus on his set, and then back to the lab] Jesus: And lo, he cried out... Kyle: Stop it, Frank! FRANK Don't get hot and flustered Use a bit of mustard STAN You're a faggot And you're even lamer than Bob Saget You maggot! [Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of light, and Stan turns into a statue. No, they aren't nude!] KYLE You're a faggot And you're even lamer than Bob Saget You maggot! [Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of light, and Kyle turns into a statue] WENDY You're a faggot And you're even lamer than Bob Saget You maggot! [Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of light, and Wendy turns into a statue] Cartman: I've got to get out of hyar! [Cartman tries to struggle to free himself, but to no avail. Frank nods, Magenta complies, Cartman is stone. Frank turns to walk away] Grandpa: Goddammit, Big Gay Billy, I can't stand any more of this! First you kill that stupid teacher, and then you ignore me to kill that little son of a whore Kenny! You chew people up and then you spit them out again... I want to be dead... Do you hear me? I want to die! And what do I get? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. You kill, kill, kill, and drain everyone of their life except me! Yeah, well, I've had enough! You're gonna shoot me now or I'll show you what it feels like to be grandpa! Frank (sighs): Oh well, if I must... [He nods to Magenta, and Grandpa becomes yet another statue] Frank: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes my face ache... and my children turn on me... Rocky's behaved just the way that Mister Garrison did. Do you think I made a mistake, transferring Mister Hat between the two of them? Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh? Frank: As soon as my work here is finished! Come, we are ready for the floor show! [Cut to Jesus and Pals set] Jesus: Yea. Tho the children had survived in the Valley of Evil and Perversity, they were not finished yet. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that Frank had spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What... [Jesus pauses, looks at his watch, and jumps up with a start] Jesus: Goodness, is it that late already? I have to be somewhere. Yadda yadda yadda, no picnic, bye! [Jesus runs out the door, and the station cuts to a "Mister Hankey" commercial. Fade to a stage in Big Gay Frank's castle, where the children and grandpa, still statues, have been dressed in typical Rocky Horror floor show attire (bustiers, fishnet stockings, etc.) They all have make-up on their faces and red yarn wigs, so that they look like Raggedy Ann/Andy. One by one, they return to life to sing their verses of the floor show] THE FLOOR SHOW PART I: CENSOR MY SPEECH (to the tune of "Rose Tint My World") STAN It was great when it all began I was a regular South Park fan But it was over when they had the plan Few episodes, repeatedly re-ran Now the only thing I want to know When will I see a brand-new show? Censor my speech, keep me safe for Comedy Central KYLE I'm a lonely Jewish kid But not from anything I did And something I really liked Was kicking my baby brother Ike Now the thing that keeps me going on Is to sing that fucking dreidel song Censor my speech, keep me safe for Comedy Central GRANDPA This is silly Kill me, Billy! I am old, you'll see Take my life away... Come here you guys I want to die! What's become of me? Woo! Here I go again! WENDY I feel relieved Because I've deceived My alibi Stan believed Rocky meant nothing His jealousy I've rebuked My dinner has been nuked We just kissed and there was no puke My Stan is so mature [At this point, the curtain opens and Big Gay Frank takes center stage, dressed in his floorshow ensemble. Behind him is the Braniff logo. Cartman is still a statue for now] THE FLOOR SHOW PART II: DON'T SPILL IT (to the tune of "Don't Dream It") FRANK Whatever happened to Jim Bean Or even Kenny's gasoline? As I pass you my flask Do I even have to ask Come on, don't you eight-year-olds ever drink? [Frank pauses to chug from a few bottles of booze] Give yourself over to Absolut Vodka Drink the cold cocktails of sex on the beach Alcoholic fixtures, in the finest mixtures And nothing's the same As the South Park drinking game Can't you just taste it? Oh, oh, oh... Oh! [Frank dives into the pool, and floats on a life preserver drinking some more] Frank (repeats): Don't spill it, drink it... [Stan, Kyle, and Wendy dive into the pool. Grandpa finds a toaster, looks for a plug, and then tries to plug it in and run his wheelchair into the pool while holding the toaster. Unfortunately, the cord isn't long enough. The kids form a circle around Frank, and they all start drinking from his flask] All (repeat): Don't spill it, drink it... [There is a flash of light, and Cartman is revived] CARTMAN Ach! I can't believe that son of a bitch! He never even served us food! I need Cheesy Poofs Don't want to get boofed Or else if I can't get a snack I'll dance like a mailman And smoke crack! STAN No, not again Shut up, Cartman! WENDY God help David Caruso THE FLOOR SHOW PART III: RUDE UNCENSORED THING (to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing") FRANK My, my, my, my my my my my, my, my, my, my... my! I'm a rude and uncensored thing I can speak without bleeps and pings Do what I want, my scenes aren't sliced I'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on It's still the funniest thing they've done Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet [Frank and the kids form a kickline and go back and forth dancing. Don't make me go over there and explain it! Grandpa goes back and forth behind them in his chair, trying to get around them and into the pool (where his electric wheelchair would electrocute him] ALL We're a rude and uncensored thing We can speak without bleeps and pings Do what we want, our scenes aren't sliced We'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on It's still the funniest thing we've done Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet We're a rude and uncensored thing We can speak without bleeps and pings Do what we want, our scenes aren't sliced We'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on It's still the funniest thing we've done Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet [Suddenly, the doors burst open and Riff and Magenta enter. They are wearing their gold spacesuits, and Magenta has her hair up in "Bride of Frankenstein" style] RIFF RAFF Big Gay Frankie No more Hanky-panky! You really have been naughty It's time to get a spanky! I'm your new oppressor And a better dresser! We return to Transylvania Prepare the transit beam! Frank: Wait! I can explain! I'M GONNA DIE (to the tune of "I'm Going Home") [Grandpa and the children sing the replies in parentheses] BIG GAY FRANK I was just having fun (Goodbye) My God, he's got a gun! (You'll fry) I should just turn around and run (Time to fly) Shoot, and that will mean I'm done... Cuz I've done, oh, many a guy And some chicks when I was high And I realize I'm gonna die (You're gonna die) [Frank sits down, looks back at Riff Raff and Magenta] Good help is so hard to find (Cleaning) Their work sucked, I didn't mind (Dreaming) I just want to bump and grind (Creaming) Drinking, smoking, 'til I'm blind... Cuz I've done, oh, many a guy And some chicks when I was high And I realize I'm gonna die (You're gonna die) I'm gonna die I'm gonna die Magenta: That is the gayest mad scientist I have ever seen. Riff Raff: And also the most presumptuous. You see, when I said, 'WE were to return to Transylvania'... Stan (interrupts): You were speaking French? Cartman: French people piss me off! Riff Raff (ignores children): I referred only to Magenta and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading; but you see, you are to remain here... In spirit, anyway. Kyle: Oh my God! That's a laser! Cartman: Quick, everyone! Duck and cover! [Cartman drops to the floor. Kyle kicks him.] Riff Raff: Yes, Kyle. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter. Stan: Sounds like Cartman's butt! Cartman: Screw you! Wendy: You mean... You're going to kill him? What's his crime? Grandpa: Why won't anyone kill me, dammit? Riff Raff (ignoring the kids once again): And now, Big Gay Frank, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to oblivion! [Riff Raff corners Frank with his gun, and prepares to take aim... When from out of the pool comes a voice] Voice: Kyle... Kyle: Mr. Hankey? [Mr. Hankey, a talking turd, pops out of the pool] Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho! What's all the ruckus? Kyle: Riff Raff is about to kill our friend Big Gay Frank! Mr. Hankey: I reckon this looks like a job for Mr. Hankey! [Mr. Hankey bounces between Riff and Frank] Mr. Hankey: Hey! Stop the fighting! Magenta: My god, what is that thing? [Riff Raff tries to shoot Mr. Hankey, but the beams bounce off of him and hit Kathy Lee Gifford, who was standing in the back of the theater] Wendy: Oh my God, they killed Kathy Lee! Grandpa: Who cares? [Suddenly, the doors burst open (again) and in comes Santa Claus!] Santa: Mr. Hankey, we need you at the North Pole! One of those fucking stupid elves put a hat on a snowman... it came to life and now it's slaughtering the elves and reindeer! Cartman: AAAAARHH!! No elves and reindeer ... means ... no toys! All children: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRHHHHHH!!!!! [The doors burst open (yet again) and in comes Jesus Christ!] Jesus: Behold my glory... Stan: Good God! Jesus: Yes? [Mr. Hankey tries to grab the gun from Riff... Santa tries to grab Mr. Hankey... Jesus attacks Santa... Satan walks in, sees all the chaos, and just silently takes a seat and watches. Laser beams and magic spells are flying all over] Stan: Now what do we do? Kyle: What would Brian Boitano do? Cartman: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do? [Brian Boitano skates into the room] Brian: Did someone mention my name? Stan: What would you do if Santa, and Jesus, and... and... Mr. Hankey, and Riff Raff were all fighting, and... Brian (interrupts): I'd leave before I got killed! Bye-ee-eee... [Brian skates away] Kyle: Come on, let's go. [The children all leave. Grandpa is rolling around, trying to get shot, but can't seem to get into the path of any beams fast enough. Out in the front hall, the encounter Death walking in the front door] Stan (to Death): They're in the ballroom. Death: Mrrrrr [Death walks away in the direction of the ballroom. The kids exit the house just before it takes off into space] STUPID MOVIES (to the tune of "Superheroes") [Note: "Superheroes" is a song from "The Rocky Horror Show" which was included in the movie's original cinematic release, but was cut out for the midnight re-lease. It has since been returned to the movie... So, some theaters have it, others don't; depending upon the age of their print. Likewise, some videotapes/laserdiscs have the song and others don't. See the RHPS FAQ for details. The actual lyrics can be easily found on-line, and any album of the stage show will have this song on it... Any version that has "Superheroes" will also have the "Science Fiction/Double Feature Reprise" over the closing credits; versions without "Superheroes" have a "Time Warp" instrumental over the closing credits] STAN I've watched a lot Of TV shows Some good, some bad That's how it goes But all I know is Everything changes Movies... WENDY When they move the shows To the big screen Something is lost Look at "Mr. Bean" And when we do it I hoped we'll still be Groovy... [Cut to South Park mall, where Jesus, Santa, and Mr. Hankey are all sitting around holding Orange Smoothies] JESUS And meanwhile, on the TV screen On cable, "South Park" can still be seen By Matt Stone, and Trey Parker With Clooney... ALL Clooney... [The children stumble around the woods, lost, for a while longer before falling asleep... Cut to the next morning; the kids all wake up.] Stan: Well, we still have to find our way home. Kyle: Let's try going that way this time. [Cartman yawns] Stan: Whoa, Cartman, leave some air for the rest of us! Cartman: I'm sorry. I just had these bogus nightmares... Kyle: What of? Cartman: Well, I dreamed we got lost in the woods, and found this spooky castle, and this big gay guy dressed me up like a girl and made me dance! Kyle: That wasn't a dream, Cartman, that really happened! Cartman: Oh yeah? Then how come I'm not still dressed like a girl? Kyle: You ARE still dressed like a girl, Cartman! [Camera pulls back to show that Cartman is still dressed like Raggedy-Ann; and through tears in the costume fishnets and a bustier are visible] Cartman: Son of a bitch! Wendy: Hey, you guys, there's a road up ahead! Maybe we can hitch a ride with someone back into South Park! Stan: Good idea! Come on guys, let's run! [Cartman starts waddling] Kyle: Why are you walking so funny, Cartman? Cartman: I'm not used to heels over two inches... [The children reach the road and start jumping up and down waving their thumbs in the air. Soon, a bus pulls up and stops. It is a big, gray tour bus with "PRIMUS" written on the side. The doors open and the kids hop in.] Les Claypool: You kids going to South Park? Stan: Sure! Les Claypool: Well, then, grab some seats. We usually don't pick up hitchhikers, but we had to stop when we saw how your fat friend was dressed. Cartman: Hey! Les Claypool: Mind if we practice? Cartman: Yes! Les Claypool: Do you want to get back out and walk? Cartman: Not in these heels, no... Les Claypool: Then shut the fuck up, kid... Kyle: Why are you going to South Park, Les? Les Claypool [shrugs]: Well, our gig in Denver got cancelled, and we really wanted to perform somewhere this weekend. Our agent got us a gig in South Park at a local club, with the school Chef as the opening act. [Les pulls out his guitar, tunes it for a second or two, then starts to sing. Soon the kids join in.] GOING BACK TO SOUTH PARK (to the tune of the "South Park" theme song) LES CLAYPOOL We're going back to South Park Gonna go put on a show STAN & KYLE Redneck losers everywhere Drunken folks, no education LES CLAYPOOL Going down to South Park And I ain't gonna "say no" CARTMAN My mom's cooking day and night Gonna tell her "Gimme Cheese Poofs!" LES CLAYPOOL Heading on up to Cartman's Gonna try to get a blow GHOST OF KENNY [The ghost of Kenny (from "Death") floats by the bus] Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff LES CLAYPOOL So come and stay in South Park Until it's time to go [Fade to black, run credits and play closing song] COMEDY CENTRAL CARTOON FEATURE - REPRISE Comedy Central Cartoon Feature Kids love Frank, he Killed their teacher This show has gotten Much too trendy Look at all the t-shirts Of Stan and Wendy Doot'n doot'n doo doo Do you like my Rocky Horror South Park Show Then let me know, oh oh It's the end of my Rocky Horror South Park Show...