TOP TEN THOUGHTS BRAD MAJORS HAD DURING SEX WITH FRANK-N-FURTER by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) He even smells better than Janet! 9) When do I turn my head and cough? 8) Watching him kill Eddie really turned me on. 7) This reminds me of when I used to be an altar boy... 6) What would Dr. Scott think? 5) Will he just chew me up and spit me out again? 4) I wonder how I'd look in that shade of eye shadow... 3) Do you hold between your legs the secret to life itself, or are you just happy to see me? 2) I think I left the car lights on. 1) Does this mean I can't be a Republican anymore? TOP TEN THOUGHTS JANET WEISS HAD DURING SEX WITH ROCKY HORROR by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) Now that's dynamic tension! 9) He's just seven hours old ...and can't kiss! 8) Now I think I'll imagine everyone in the castle coming down on me... 7) Is his libido being controlled? 6) What would Thelma think? 5) You're in good hands with Allstate! 4) "Rocky" is an ephemeral nickname at best. 3) Look at the pretty colors... 2) Not my shoulders, you idiot! My breasts!!! 1) I hope people won't think that I'm a slut. COLUMBIA'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) Watching her lovers killing each other with mining tools. 9) TIE: Tourists / Laundry 8) Being turned into an unflattering nude statue. 7) Never becoming a professional tap dancer. 6) Being dropped by Eddie. 5) When she flashes her nipples, and no one notices or cares. 4) Lasers capable of emitting beams of pure anti-matter. 3) How cold Eddie's hands are when he first comes out of the freezer. 2) Cannibalism (if it was someone she really liked). 1) The fact that she turned out exactly the way her mother always said she would. FRANK-N-FURTER'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) That there are only two sexes. 9) When he runs out of human guests and has to have leftovers for dinner. 8) Whenever anyone, anywhere, has sex and he's not invited. 7) Coming out of the closet and being upstaged by a fat pig coming out of the freezer. 6) Celery. 5) People who don't have tattoos. 4) Rocky never called him "Daddy." 3) Men who have more dominance than he does. 2) Bill Clinton. 1) The fact that good help is so hard to find nowadays. TOP TEN JOBS OF THE DOMESTICS (RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA) by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) TIE: Cooking for the guests / Cooking the guests. 9) Cleaning up after yet another of Frank's killing sprees. 8) Incest and elbow sex. 7) Lab assistants and part-time proctologists. 6) Putting hot wax on Frank's car (and anything else he rides). 5) Scaring the bejeebers out of passing motorists who want to use the phone. 4) Digging potholes in the road to trap passing motorists. 3) Finding ways to deduct Frank's sex toys from his income tax. 2) Getting all the guests stoned. 1) Rebellion and murder. TOP TEN JOBS ONCE HELD BY DOCTOR EVERETT VON SCOTT by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) Science teacher, Denton High School (1963-1972) 9) Vice President, Hair Club for Men (1992-present) 8) Tap dance instructor (before the accident in 1965) 7) Government UFO investigator (1972-1976) 6) Back-up singer for Boy George (1982-1988) 5) Speechwriter for Dan Quayle (1988-1992) 4) East German Olympic Ass-Kissing Team (1958 and 1962) 3) Nixon Biographer (1976-1978) 2) Male prostitute (1978-1982) 1) Treasurer, Adolf Hitler Fan Club (1943-1962) TOP REASONS WHY THE CRIMINOLOGIST HAS NO FUCKING NECK by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) It was stolen by Dr. Frank-N-Furter and used to build Rocky. 9) It was given to the Hapschatts as a wedding present. 8) Because he's neither human nor Transylvanian; but something far, far worse. 7) It was confiscated by Lisa (the Cast Bitch) when he tried to enter the theater with it. 6) A jealous husband shot it off after catching the Criminologist "necking" with his wife. 5) He had it surgically removed and transplanted to somewhere where he needed the length more. 4) He sold it to the Devil (he has no soul) for the ability to Time Warp. 3) He shot it off trying to imitate Kurt Cobain. 2) It was amputated after a hickey got infected. 1) He lost it (allegedly) in a questionable Arkansas banking deal. TOP TEN RECOMMENDED AUDIENCE PARTICIPATIONS AT TOWSON COMMONS ROCKY HORROR by Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org 10) Show up in costume. 9) Show up. 8) Yell appropriate comments at appropriate times, or inappropriate comments at inappropriate times (whichever is funnier). 7) Virgin tossing in the parking garage after the show. 6) Throw ten©dollar bills at the cast. 5) Dance to the Time Warp ... or DIE!! 4) Observe a moment of silence for all of the people who decided to see Clean Slate instead of Rocky Horror. 3) Comment in a loud voice about how clever these Rocky Horror top ten lists are. 2) Say "Hello" to Lisa, the Cast Bitch. 1) Do "the Wave" when Rocky finally dies. TOP ELEVEN SIGNS YOU'RE SEEING A BAD ROCKY FLOOR SHOW by: Charles Lillie (PXGF17B@prodigy.com) 11) The Frank-N-Furter's dressed in a suit and tie. 10) People giving out prop bags are all wearing biohazard suits like the ones in "Outbreak." 9) Richard O'Brien has personally made a two minute trailer describing how badly this cast sucks. 8) The girl playing Janet looks up at the credits and says "Hey, I didn't know Susan Sarandon was in this movie!" 7) You hear people yelling "asshole," and it's the cast yelling at you. 6) Everyone's tired of seeing Sylvester Stalone doing the same role (Whoops! Sorry, that's a sign you're seeing a bad Rocky movie). 5) Everyone in the audience is wearing Star Trek uniforms shouting "We want Shatner!" 4) Cast manager comes out and starts the show by saying "You actually paid money to see this show? Suckers!" 3) Two words: Nude Criminologist 2) At the end of "Hot Patootie," everyone in the audience gets a chance to hack Eddie. 1) Frank-N-Hookers.