There's no better way to make a play for someone than to offer him/her
a nice massage. How could anyone turn away your affections when
you're sensually caressing their back, forcing the tension out
of their life, and licking their ear? OK, so ear-licking isn't
required, but a good massage can still give you tons of brownie
points in an impending relationship.
Unfortunately,
giving an effective professional-level therapeutic massage is
something that requires training and years of practice. You probably
don't want to go through that (and neither do we). However, we
can provide you with some simple techniques that will aid you
in providing someone with a safe, simple, and satisfying massage.
Sadly,
the massage techniques we provide are of limited therapeutic value.
The recipients of your massages will not regain the use of atrophied
muscles, but they will become relaxed, their muscles will feel
more pliable, endorphins will be released, and circulation will
be improved. So you still might get lucky.
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When
preparing a body for a massage, you should pay particular attention
to four things:
- The support surface: When you give a massage, it is
best for the recipient to be on a firm, supportive,
and comfortable surface. A futon or extra-firm mattress
is ideal. However, a couch or a soft mattress is less suitable
because it can buckle and fail to support the body in certain
places, putting unsafe pressure on joints.
- Your own space: You will need room for yourself because
if you sit in a funny position while giving the massage, your
limbs might fall asleep. So keep a pillow handy to give you
support when you need it. Also make sure that if the recipient
is not lying against a wall and that you have free access to
straddle his/her back when necessary.
- Atmosphere: You want your victim to relax completely,
so you need to remove things that might be irritating. Ex-husbands,
kids, dogs, crazy nuns, feral midgets, whatever. Drown out street
noise with some mellow music, turn off harsh lighting and replace
it with candles, and hire a bouncer named Bruno to guard the
door and make sure that no one enters.
- The recipient's clothing (or lack thereof): Your victim
should be naked during the massage. If the recipient doesn't
feel comfortable with being nude in front of you, a good sturdy
pair of underpants will not seriously impair your ability to
perform any of the techniques described in this article. If
you are massaging a woman, she should lie down on her front
the whole time so that you have unhindered access to her back
while she maintains Victorian propriety. A bra or bikini strap
makes a lot of these techniques difficult but not impossible,
so if it has to be there, work around it.
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