The Principal and the Pauper Written by Ken Keeler Directed by Steve Moore ============================================================================== Production code: 4F23 First aired on FOX: 28-Sept-97 Capsule Revision: C (31-May-2000) ============================================================================== > TV Guide Synopsis ============================================================================== None submitted. [If you use these summarise to determine if you have found the right capsule, here's a TV Guide-like synopsis: On his teaching anniversary celebration, principal Skinner's true identity is revealed when the real Seymour Skinner confronts him. He struggles to find peace of mind under his true name.] ============================================================================== > Title Sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: None, due to shortened intro. Couch: OFF are dressed in spacesuits. The couch blasts off. ============================================================================== > Didja Notice... ============================================================================== Ben Collins: ... Agnes' voice when young is exactly the same as her voice when old? ... Rainier Wolfcastle (McBain) is in the audience (behind Homer) in Tamzerian's retirement scene? ... the initial shot of the grocery store has been used in other episodes? Nathan Mulac DeHoff: ... they didn't use the Vietnam Veterans' Memorial, which was apparently the original plan? ... Apu has apparently revoked his "no checks" policy? Andrew Gill: ... There are 9 stars per side of the folded flag, even though on a flag folded to military standard, it should be 6? ... Edna still lives in the apt. from Bart the Lover? Don Del Grande: ... in the couch opening, Santa's Little Helper is asleep at first, then wakes up when the rockets fire, then falls asleep again? ... the chorus consists of a mix of second- and fourth-graders, including Ham, Data, Sanjay's daughter, and Allison Taylor? ... one of Sherri & Terri is in the chorus, but the other is not? ... Skinner refers to Bart's joy buzzer as "an enjoyment buzzer"? (All right, who complained that "that was an obvious one"? Right, let's take it outside... (THWACK) Mmphf mmphee mpmmpf) ... when Armand admits he's a fraud, Luanne van Houten collapses into the arms of her new boyfriend? ... when Armand returns from Vietnam, he's a sergeant, but his foot locker in storage still says he's a private? ... Armand returned from Vietnam in 1971? ... the copy of "Swank" magazine also says "Swank" on the back cover? Joe Klemm: ... SLH going back to sleep after OFF blast off in the couch gag? ... Among the chorus are members of the Superfriends group at school? ... Milhouse's mom is seen with her American Gladiator boyfriend in most of the scenes that she appears in? ... The fake Skinner tells his story a little after 7:00 PM? ... The real Skinner makes his return speech at 9:10 AM? Mark Aaron Richey: ... Lenny and Carl are in the audience when Skinner walks down the aisle? ... Marge and Mrs. Krabappel help the fainted Agnes? ... "Skinner" looks mad when Bart laughs at his real name? ... the judge drops his gavel when Armen crashes into him? ... Willy is in full ceremonial Scottish dress? ... Marge doesn't clap when Skinner is appointed principal because she's holding Maggie? ... the front tire of "Skinner's" motorcycle is flat? ... Maggie pets SLH during the stinkweed discussion? ... "Skinner" has a full ashtray at his Capital City apartment? ... the last note of the closing credits can be heard before the Gracie logo? Benjamin Robinson: ... Skinner, who has been lying about his identity for over two decades, calls his mother, "the master of deception?" ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Groundskeeper Willie, Diamond Joe Quimby) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph Wiggum, Nelson Muntz) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Superintendent Chalmers) - Harry Shearer (Armin Tanzarian, Kent Brockman, Judge Snyder) - Special guest voice - Martin Sheen (the real Seymour Skinner) - Guest Starring - Joan Kenley (telephone operator) - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel) - Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover) - Tress MacNeille (Agnes Skinner) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "The Prince and the Pauper" (novel) - obvious title reference - two men swap places {ag} + "The Jetsons" (TV series) - the blast-off sound in the couch gag {ag} + "The Return of Martin Guerre" (movie) - the entire plot + "Flipper" (movie) - the "Skinner" song {jk} ~ Armind Hammer - Skinner's "real" name might have been inspired by this industrialist (and yes, his name really was, "Armind Hammer") + "Smoke" (movie) - posing as a grandson easier than the truth + "The Jazz Singer" (movie) - "I have no son" {jk} + "Mickey" (Toni Basil song) - Bart's pledge {jk} + "Romeo and Juliet" (Shakespearian play) - "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" {ag} + "Rebel Without a Cause" (movie) - Armin looks like James Dean {hl} + "Apocalypse Now" (movie) - bridge scene with flashing explosions {hl} + "A Rumor of War" (movie) - Sergeant getting blown up by shell {hl} + Monty Python's "Spanish Inquisition" sketches - "Under penalty of torture" like "On pain of torture" in the skit {ag} + "Teenagers From Outer Space" (movie) - "torture!" {dga} ============================================================================== > Previous Episode References ============================================================================== The show seems to have a recent tradition of more or less righteous people coming to tragic ends {nmd} - [3G03] Shari Bobbins dies - [4F15] Rex Banner is catapulted - [4F19] Frank Grimes dies - [4F23] Seymour Skinner, a war hero who was a hostage for many years, is sent out of town - [9F02] Kent Brockman gets exaggerated with the wrong footage being shown {nmd} - [9F02], [1F05] Sanjay's daughter appears {ddg} - [9F20] Judge Schneider (Hutz ran over his dog err... son) {hl} - [9F20] "Now Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name" {hl} - [1F05] Skinner acts "bad," and insults Bart {nmd} - [1F18] Skinner gets replaced as principal {nmd} - [2F11] The Super Friends appear {bc} - [3F18] Upstate New York is mentioned (Coincidentally, on the night this episode aired in the US, NBC's "Jenny" referenced Utica, NY. Must have been New York appreciation day) {bjr} - [3F19] The fake Skinner's conduct in Vietnam is similar to Burns' conduct in WWII {nmd} - [3F23] Bart makes armpit noises {nmd} - [4F04] LuAnne's still dating that Atlasphere guy {bjr} - [4F09], [4F21] Skinner and Krabappel date {nmd} ============================================================================== > Freeze Frame Fun ============================================================================== - Sign in front of Springfield Elementary {bjr} TONIGHT, SURPRISE TRIBUTE TO SEYMOUR SKINNER - When "Skinner" and Agnes come in {mar} - 1st row: Krabappel, Martin, Milhouse, Louis, Miss Hoover - 2nd row: Marge, Homer, Willy, Louanne Van Houten, Chase, Apu, Helen & Rev. Lovejoy - 3rd row: Wiggum, Mrs. & Dr. Hibbert, Kirk Van Houten - 4th row: Maude & Ned Flanders, Mr. Largo - During the speeches {mar} - 1st row: Willy, Hoover, Krabappel, "Skinner", Agnes, Wiggum - 2nd row: Apu, Marge, Homer - 3rd row: Maude, Ned, Hibberts - 4th row: Kirk - During the shocked pan {mar} (from left to right) - Groundskeeper Willie - Miss Hoover - Ruth Powers - Apu - Ned Flanders - Kirk Van Houten - Otto - Dr. Hibbert - Rev. Lovejoy - Marge - Luann hugging Chase - Homer - In "Skinner's" office {mar} - Seymour Skinner - "Skinner" - Marge - Homer - Bart - Agnes Skinner - Mrs. Krabappel - Miss Hoover - Superintendant Chalmers - Dr. & Mrs. Hibbert - At the resignation assembly {mar} - 1st row: Todd, Rod, Ned, Maude - 2nd row: Bart, Homer, Marge holding Maggie - 3rd row: Louanne, Chase, Milhouse - Going to Capital City (Capital City, here I come) {mar} - Homer - Mrs. Krabappel - Agnes Skinner - Marge - Bart - Lisa - Maggie - Grampa - Jasper - On the street on the way back {mar} - Maude Flanders - Mrs. Glick - Luann Van Houten - Chase - Lionel Hutz - Rev. Lovejoy - Barney - Lenny - Chief Wiggum - Ruth Powers - Carl - At the train station {mar} (from left to right) - Krusty - Luann Van Houten - Milhouse - Chase - Barney - Nelson - Moe - "Skinner" - Mrs. Krabappel - Agnes Skinner - Ruth Powers - Groundskeeper Willie - Homer - Marge - Kirk Van Houten - Grampa - Lisa - Bart - a band - the Hibberts - Miss Hoover - Hans Moleman - Carl - Lenny ============================================================================== > Animation, Continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== * If the Skinner we know is an impostor, why does he look almost exactly like Sheldon Skinner from 3F19? = Tamzerian's silhouette movements are not always in sync with his head and mouth. {bc} = The real Skinner's Army uniform loses details and becomes more uniform in color in some shots. {bc} = The real Skinner's hair is gray and white in most scenes, and all gray or all white in a few. {bc} * Considering that "Skinner" was supposed to have been a POW, why did he come straight to Springfield after Skinner disappeared? {mar} * Also, wouldn't someone have realized that "Skinner" wasn't Skinner? {mar} * And, when he rejoined the army in [1F18] "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadassssss Song", wouldn't the army have realized that "Sgt. Skinner" wasn't Sgt. Skinner? {mar} * Even though Chalmers makes Willy leave, the lounge is clearly marked "Faculty", not "Teachers". {mar} = How did Willy leave the lounge? {mar} = When "Skinner" and Agnes hug at the assembly, there are "Aaahs" on the soundtrack, but nobody's lips move. {mar} * In the flashbacks, (real) Skinner was a staff sergeant (E-6; "three up, one down"), but when he reappears in Springfield, he's a regular sergeant (E-5; "three up, none down") {ddg} * Capital City is yet another distance from Springfield. {mar} = When Armand is brought back to Springfield, Maggie doesn't have a hair ribbon, but it reappers when real Skinner comes out of the school. {ddg} * Wasn't there supposed to be something involving the Vietnam Memorial Wall? {ddg} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Dale G. Abersold: Ken Keeler, I hate you. This episode is certainly a waste of tape. Abandoning all continuity and destroying a great supporting character in exchange for a few cheap laughs? I'm sorry, that might have worked on "The Critic", but if you haven't noticed, this ain't "The Critic". The only solace is that this appears to be Keeler's final episode. Well, Mr. Keeler, with this episode, you have earned yourself the most welcome exit since Jennifer Crittenden. (F) Jonathan Benney: This was notably bad. One of the distinguishing things about the show has (had?) always been the feeling that the writers had really lively minds; and that no matter what excesses they went to, they were applying a wide base of amusing thoughts & information. This was virtually absent here, and the really worrying bit was that no-one even seemed to be TRYING! The result was poor in every respect - looking like it was put together in a couple of hours. (F) Ben Collins: I sincerely hope we just saw the worst episode this season. There was no point to the story; I didn't particularly care about what was going on. Most gags were completely pointless, and even the more pointed ones failed miserably. This, and the mindless, ridiculous ending almost threatened it with a failing grade, if not for the Ralph Wiggum scenes and Bart's badmouthing of the situation. (D+) Nathan Mulac DeHoff: Okay, first of all, the premise was ridiculous. Still, I thought they played it through pretty well. The episode probably had the best part for Agnes in the series so far, Ralph was in top form, and the faulty logic proving that the real Skinner would make a better principal than the fake one was hilarious, as was the car scene. The ending was one of the biggest cop-outs in the history of the show, but that was exactly what was funny about it. (B) Don Del Grande: "Skinner's a fake"; "You're right; I'll leave"; "We're getting him back"; "I'm back"; show's over. You never saw much of the real Skinner in action - then again, you never saw much action in this episode. Period. (B-) Tony Hill: This was a just plain stupid episode. Any humor in it is stifled for us OFF-Heads by the total break with continuity this ep represents. How could Skinner have re-enlisted in the Army in "Baddasss" if he were officially dead? And what about his POW helmet discovered in "Homer's Barbershop Quartet." (D) John R. Hunt: Frankly, I thought the episode was a riot. Not the best ever, certainly, but not at all offensive -- in other words, it was no "Lemon of Troy." There were some hilarious moments -- what the hell is "silhouette night" anyway? I agree with some of the other postings -- the plot seemed under-developed, and why was everyone in such an all-fire hurry to get the old Skinner back when the new one, if a bit of a party pooper, didn't seem all that bad? The ending was a riot -- only in Springfield would they tie Skinner to a chair and ship him out of town. (B) Joe Klemm: A plot that doesn't seem interesting at first comes back with a lot of clever jokes and scenes. Very funny and a silly approach to a plot line that could be dull without jokes. Examples of funny moments include Homer eating dog food and how the town got rid of the real Skinner. (A-) Michael S. Krechmer: The ending was something out of Lovecraft. Either the writers couldn't come up with a better ending or the whole point of the show was to make fun of other shows where there is no continuity. Still, I thought it flat and most of the people were out of character. Ralph was funny as always but the rest of the episode was silly. (D) Haynes Lee: Not great but not a disaster like "Lisa The Iconoclast" which forever ruined the memory of Jebediah Springfield. (B) Ondre Lombard: Someone needs to tie Ken Keeler to a chair and have him trained out of town. This episode is extremely unnecessary, and to me, proves the writers are running fresh out of ideas. I'm sick of these "revelations" with characters. I mean, it was bad enough that we were expected to believe Ned is a walking emotional time bomb, and now this?! What's cooked up for season 10? Bart was switched at birth with Rex (the actor in Lisa's class)? Smithers is really a woman? At any rate, about the episode. In addition to its abrupt tampering with eight years of continuity, it was also meaningless, boring and totally without humor. I don't think I found myself laughing at all. There was a slight opportunity for good drama when Krabappel and Skinner said goodbye, but it was even more sudden than Krabappel's breakup with Bart's made up suitor. With yet another patented cold-blooded ending (which fortunately didn't try to one-up Homer's Enemy), I'd say this is easily one of the least memorable episodes of the series, and considering its pointless nature, I'll pretend it didn't even exist. (F) Michael K. Neylon: "The Principal and the Pauper" had a good potential plot and rather decent characterization for this season, but was made mediocre by poor plot and comedic timing. While certainly some good jokes and scenes in this one, there was nothing truly memorable about it. (B-) Werner Peeters: Hmmm.... Why is it that during the last four seasons the writers have to make a permanent change in the continuity? In season 6 Bleeding Gums Murphy died, but he wasn't a major character anyway. In season 7 it was Lisa who became vegetarian, and well... it was along the lines of her character. In season 8 Milhouse's parents divorced, which is also not a dramatic change. But now Principal Skinner turns out to have been an imposter during the last eight seasons, which means that supposedly, he has made up all the Vietnam-stuff from previous episodes? That's radical, dude! Far too radical a change for the show; normally the general situation at the end should be the same as the beginning, and the way they tried to "save" this goof by legally confirming Armin Whatsoever as being Skinner and putting the *real* Skinner tied-up on a train. The only superb joke was when Homer's brain instructs him to "move slowly towards the pie." (D) Mark Aaron Richey: The writers return once again to their recent trend of revealing deep dark secrets of a supporting cast member. This one is the most shocking revelation yet--Principal Skinner really isn't Principal Skinner--but has surprisingly little substance. It's certainly not a bad episode--there are plenty of good lines, including a motherload of Ralph quoteables, but it really doesn't add up to much. Martin Sheen, as the real Seymour Skinner, is adequate, but given almost nothing to do. A little more meat, and I might have really liked it. (B-) Benjamin Robinson: This episode would probably have made a good story; it's just that it isn't such a good idea for a "Simpsons" story. It does raise some good dramatic themes, but the radical revision of Skinner's character proves to be too radical. A backpedaling ending doesn't help, either. (C) Donni Sapphire-Bernstein: Good episode. Not great, but pretty darn good. Lots of funny things happened, but I found it hard to believe- not that that's necessarily a bad thing, just that it took away from my total enjoyment of the episode. I was laughing for five minutes straight at "My theory is... Skinner likes dog food." Wiggums junior and senior both had hilarious lines throughout, though I think Ralph is being reduced almost to a state of mental retardation. It was a good storyline, there was a good sense of continuity to the episode, the idea of nasal Skinner as a 50s greaser was pretty funny. But what kind of repercussions will this have to the overall storyline? As we saw, Milhouse's mom is still going out with the American Gladiators guy, and Skinner & Krabappel are still a hot item. Are we going to be continually reminded that Skinner is not who he seems to be? I hope not. (B) Kelly Stewart: The first half deserved about a D, but the second half was pretty inspired. Especially Homer's solution (letting the real Skinner keep his dignity, ha ha!) and also the very ironic and self-referential command that everything be "exactly as it was before". This was a hilarious goof on other shows which have wild plot contrivances one week which are completely forgotten the next week. Anyway , not a great show, but better than the NYC ep by a long shot! (B-) Jeffrey Stylos: The plot was far too predictable, and there didn't seem to all that many jokes. My favorite part was the ending; there seemed to be a touch of meta-humor as it was clear that something needed to be done with the original Skinner and the 'fake' Skinner's name, before the show finished up. The flashback sequences were also fun. Overall, not a memorable show, but still fairly enjoyable. (C) Aaron Varhola: Disappointing; the story seemed to rush through major developments and underplay the emotions of the story, particularly Mrs. Skinner's. In addition, the whole premise of the original Skinner's return seems like a version of the deus ex machina....I had previously been told that Lisa would have made the discovery that Skinner was an impostor; that would have made the story unfold more smoothly, like 3F13. (C-) Yours truly: The idea of Skinner being a fake all these years -- they really know how to annoy a loyal fan, don't they? (D) ============================================================================== > Comments and Other Observations ============================================================================== >> Worst episode ever For many people, this episode was, nay, still is, considered the worst episode ever. >> The Return of Seymour Skinner Boyota: The theme underlying this episode was, obscurely, the Medieval legend of the Return of Martin Guerre. Basically, a man goes away to war; someone comes back whom everyone takes as the man, including his wife, but eventually people notice a few things are not quite right. But, the replacement man turns out to be better liked than the original, so people let it go. They made a movie a number of years back with the title, "The Return of Martin Guerre." An estimable American variation on the same theme was made in the movie "Sommersby" with Richard Gere and Jody Foster, taking place during the Civil War. The episode is a little bit funnier if you catch the whole Jungian archetype, variation on a theme thing. >> Armin Tanzarian Haynes Lee: Armin is a Hebrew name and Tanzarian is a Middle-Eastern name. >> Just D'oh It! Aaron Varhola: The original Sgt. Skinner's term in the slave labor factories is a reference to the recent controversy with Nike and various subcontractors they have in Vietnam, Indonesia, and China. Some of these subcontractors were found to have paid under the minimum wage, used child labor, and physically abused workers. Nike made a big show of severing contracts with a few of the worst offenders, but a recent report by a watchdog group found that these abuses are still going on. Nike Chairman Phil Knight immediately labeled the group that conducted the recent inspections "Communists" because they oppose the U.S. embargo of Cuba. (I guess they'd be all right if there were shoe factories in Cuba). >> Continuity Mark Aaron Richey: It looks like Edna and "Seymour" have yet to break up. As one of the few who liked [4F09] "Grade School Confidential", I have to say ...Good. Meanwhile, it appears that Louann Van Houten is still dating Chase, aka "Pyro" from "American Gladiators". As one of the few who liked [4F04] "A Milhouse Divided"...Good. >> The American Flag Andrew Gill: In 4F23, there are 9 stars on one side of the folded flag. In a true army flag, there are to be 13 stars on the outside of the flag--6 per side and one on the crease, I think. Unless the flag was folded extremely improperly (when I was in the BSA, we'd always get at most 7 per side, and we sucked at folding), or there were 4 stars on the other side. BTW, This was verified by a kid I know. When he asked *why* I needed to know this, I responded, "Sunday's Simpsons showed a folded flag with 9 stars to a side." His look was just beautiful. >> An amazingly useless fact Bob Stone: Principal Skinner's tuning fork rings in `D'. Tony Hill: Tuning forks are pitched at A above middle C, which does seem a bit high for a school bell. >> 4F23 Promotion Benjamin Robinson: Just about any scene from this show would have given the secret away, so it isn't surprising that the Fox promotion department didn't use any in teasing this episode. Instead, we see Bart's attempt to disguise himself as Nixon, lifted from "Marge Be Not Proud (3F07)." >> Conspiracy Theory yodatrojan@aol.com: Thinking back about the life of Principal Skinner/Armen Tanzarian, I have come to believe that Skinner is an agent of an unfriendly intelligence service. One must ask oneself, who was it that got Homer interested in the Student Exchange Program. Skinner stated that he knew that the student coming in would be from Albania. I believe he personally decided that Homer, working in the nuclear plant, would be ideal as a parent of the little communist. One must also consider that Skinner spent time in Vietnam, where I believe he spent time in a POW camp. Re-education could have taken place there. Or, it is entirely possible that Armen was a communist "sleeper" from the start, and the story he told of being a young ruffian was entirely fabrication. He actually spent his early life in a hostile nation being trained by an intelligence service to infiltrate the United States. It is a matter of debate whether he was trained by the KGB, Stazi, or Albanian security. In addition, Seymour is very introverted. He spends all of his time with "Mother." Draw your own conclusions. Is he really with "Mother?" Is "Mother" also an agent? We know very little about her background. While we are at it, a background investigation of Superintendent Chalmers may also be in order. It is curious how the members of the B-Sharps also organized. The B-Sharps actually were a front for collaboration between Apu (an agent as well) and Skinner. Homer was included because of his because his lack of wit posed little threat of exposure of the group and his job as a nuclear technician offered chance for all of the agents to obtain secret information. Wiggum was removed from the group when it was decided that he was a risk as a possible counterintelligence agent. Barney seemed like an adequate replacement, as he also is an agent of the People's Republic of China, which explains where he gets money for beer. The woman seen with him was his handler. If you think about other organizations in which the B-Sharps have taken part, you must recall the posse that Homer formed in response to the Springfield Cat Burglar. This group terrorized Springfield for an extensive period of time, circumventing the authority of the police. It is my understanding that this group was a paramilitary unit bent on world domination (by Homer's own admission). Clearly, they intended to start with Springfield. With the support of at least three hostile intelligence services, this was entirely possible. The group was never disbanded after the Cat Burglar crisis was resolved. Krusty is performing well as a Mossad agent. Israeli intelligence should be pleased with the way that Itchy and Scratchy have made to world more receptive to assassinations. Clearly, Itchy and Scratchy were based on the follies of Israeli intelligence. Training films, perhaps. I hope this opens everyone's eyes. G. Garth: And, of course, the splendid job he's done dumbing down the educational system, at least at Springfield Elementary. Thanks to him, most of the students there can't read or write, with thinking problematical. The only teacher there with a grain of intelligence has been co-opted by him and held hostage in a strange (assumed) sexless romance with vague promises of marriage to keep her hooked. >> Skeletons escaping from the closet Mark Aaron Richey: Over the past couple of seasons, the writers have been basing episodes around previously unknown events from major and minor character's pasts. These episodes include [3F06] "Mother Simpson" (Homer's long lost mother appears); [3F13] "Lisa the Iconoclast" (Jebadiah Springfield was actually a pirate); [3F15] "A Fish Called Selma" (Troy McClure enjoys the company of fish a little too much); [3F16] "The Day the Violence Died" (Itchy & Scratchy were not created by Roger Myers, Sr.); [3F19] "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'" (Burns and Grampa fight over stolen art from WWII); [3F20] "Much Apu About Nothing" (Apu is an illegal immigrant); [4F05] "Burns, Baby Burns" (Mr. Burns's long-lost son appears); and [4F07] "Hurricane Neddy" (Ned has very repressed emotions). For the most part, these rewritten history episodes have been pretty unpopular, with the possible exception of [3F06]. The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Seymour Buttes ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {jo} ============================================================================== % Act one. At Springfield Elementary, Principal Skinner inspects his school. % After touching the top of the locker in search of dust, he tests the % accuracy of the hall clock with his pocket watch (with Agnes' picture % inside), measures the distance from the wall to the garbage can with a % ruler, and tests the bell with a tuning fork. Meanwhile, Superintendant % Chalmers sneaks by Skinner and goes into the Teachers' Lounge. Good lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up it's butt. -- Ouch, "The Principal and the Pauper" Edna: Oh, Superindendant Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee- flavored beverine? Chalmers: Yes, I take it grey, with creamium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night. Willie: It's my twentieth year, too! Chalmers: The Teachers' Lounge is for teachers, Willie. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % Willie spits on the ground as he walks out the door. In Miss Hoover's % class, she petitions her students for a volunteer to give an oral report % on Principal Skinner's life at the tribute. Ralph: Miss Hoover, which one is oral? Hoover: Out of your mouth, Ralph. Volunteers? Thank you, Lisa. Ralph: No, Miss Hoover, I'm Ralph! Hoover: I only need one volunteer, Ralph. Ralph: Miss Hoover, which one is one? Lisa: Ralph and I could do the report together! Hoover: Your funeral. Ralph: Miss Hoover? -- Shaddup, Ralph, "The Principal and the Pauper" % On the Simpsons' kitchen table, Bart hums a song as he sticks miniature % American flags in little brown balls sitting on a baking sheet. Marge: Bart? Why are you doing that? Bart: Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days. Marge: That explains the flags, but what about the dog food? Bart: My theory is: Skinner likes dog food! Marge: Mmmm...Let's bake him a cake! Homer: Ooh! A fresh batch of America balls! [eats dog food balls] -- Mmmmm... chunks of meat in a delicious jelly coating, "The Principal and the Pauper" % Homer sits at a writing desk, projecting silhouettes of his head onto a % sheet of paper on the wall. His mother calls to him from upstairs. Agnes: Seymour! Tell me what time it is! Now! Skinner: Seven o'clock Friday night, Mother! Time for our weekly silhouette! Agnes: No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp! Skinner: Oh, but you love silhouette night! And then we go through your bird book and make up silly captions... Mother, why are you all dressed up? Agnes: I'm sick of this house, and I'm sick of you! Tonight we're going for a drive! Skinner: What's so special about tonight? Agnes: Nothing! Now put on your special suit and get in the car! Skinner: Yes, Mother. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % The two pull up to the elementary school. A sign outside reads "Tonight, % Surprise Tribute to Seymour Skinner". Skinner: Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign? Agnes: [smacks him] I don't like your tone! -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % Seymour and Agnes enter the school auditorium, where the crowd gathered % cheers "Surprise!". Agnes: Happy anniversary, son. Skinner: Oh, Mother. You are still the master of deception. Agnes: I surely am. -- Like mother, like son, "The Principal and the Pauper" % Lisa and Ralph give their presentation on Skinner's life on stage, % underneath an immense picture of him, looking noble while an American flag % flies in the background. Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph? Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa? Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines. Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty. Lisa: And, he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight. Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal, or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner! -- A touching anniversary speech, "The Principal and the Pauper" % The crowd applauds the two. A group of children sing a song about % Skinner, accompanied by piano music. Kids: [singing] They call him Skinner, Skinner, Faster than lightning. No one you see, Is stricter than he... -- Sounds familiar, "The Principal and the Pauper" % Outside, a man rides in a taxi, and passes the school. He reads the % sign outside. "Tribute to Seymour Skinner... Pull over, driver." % Back inside, Chalmers stands on stage. Chalmers: Now I know the school normally serves cake only on Thursdays. And I'm also well aware that today is Friday. Nevertheless, I have a surprise for you. -- [mumbles debating on what this surprise is] "The Principal and the Pauper" % Bart rolls out a cake onto stage, drawing applause. Skinner walks up % and shakes Bart's hand, receiving a small jolt. Skinner: Ooh, what the... an enjoyment buzzer! [laughs] Oh, thank you. What a wonderful night to share with the people and the town that I love. I have never been happier, or prouder, to be Seymour Skinner. Man: You're not Seymour Skinner! Skinner: Skinner! Chalmers: Skinner? Man: I'm Skinner! Agnes: Seymour? Ohhh! Skinner: Mother! Man: She's my mother! Chalmers: Will someone remove that crazy man, please? Skinner: No, no, he's...he's not crazy. It's true, I'm...[sighs] I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner! -- The end of the Seymour Skinner we know and love, "The Principal and the Pauper" % The townspeople all stare, wide-eyed in shock. Homer, meanwhile, has % other matters on his mind. Keep looking shocked, and move slowly towards the cake. -- Homer's brain upon learning Skinner's true identity, "The Principal and the Pauper" % End of act one. % Act two. In Principal Skinner's office, Agnes has fainted and sits in a % chair. Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you? Man: [salutes] Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army. Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. They said you were killed on that scouting mission. Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun. Marge: That's not a funny story. Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there. -- I guess, "The Principal and the Pauper" % "Anyhow, the U.N. shut the factory down last week, and the embassy shipped % me home. And here I am," concludes Skinner. Chalmers: So what's your story, Seymour? If that is your real name. Armin: Well, obviously, it isn't. My real name is Armin Tanzarian. [The townspeople in the room gasp. Bart chuckles loudly.] -- Not as bad as Joey Joe Joe Junior, "The Principal and the Pauper" % "I'm an orphan from Capital City, and those who recall my fight to % outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn that I myself was % once a street punk." In the past, Armin Tanzarian drives his motorcycle % through Capital City, snatching a purse from an old woman and driving away. Oh, yeah, the way I was headed it was just a matter of time before I wound up in front of a judge. [Armin wipes out on a judge, who happens to have been walking down the street] -- Coincidence? "The Principal and the Pauper" They gave me a choice. Jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Of course, if I had known there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized. -- Skinner, "The Principal and the Pauper" % In the jungles of Vietnam, Armin's platoon fights out of a bunker. Armin % himself, however, is busy grooming his hair, until his comb is shot out of % his hands. He stands up while bullets whiz all around him. "OK, who wants % a piece of me!" he says. % However, his Sergeant, Seymour Skinner, tackles him to the ground again, % preventing him from taking a bullet. Skinner: You trying to get yourself killed, Tanzarian? You got your whole life ahead of you. Don't you have any dreams? Armin: My dreams all involve combing my hair. -- What passion-filled dreams they must be, "The Principal and the Pauper" Skinner: Aw, gosh, son, everybody's got dreams. I come from a town called Springfield. And my dream is to go back and become principal of the elementary school. Armin: Some people might call that a pretty corny dream.. [beat] ..sergeant. Skinner: Well, there's nothing corny about fresh-faced youngsters skipping to school, scraping knees and spelling bees and pies cooling softly on the windowsill, heh. Well sir, if that's corny, then corn me up. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" Armin: [narrating] Sergeant Skinner took me under his wing, and showed me that life is worth living. I came to think of him as the big brother I never had. He made me believe I might have a future after all. And, when they told us he was missing, presumed dead, my future died once again. My life lost all meaning. Bart: Come on, get to the part where you steal his identity! Armin: I'm trying to explain how emotionally fragile I was. Bart: [loses enthusiasm] Oh, it's one of stories. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % "Sergeant Skinner meant the world to me, and I...I felt it was my % duty to deliver the grim news to his mother." % Armin Tanzarian knocks on the front door of the home of Agnes Skinner. % She answers. Armin: [clears throat] Hello, I'm, uh...[sighs] I'm... Agnes: Seymour? Is that you? Armin: [narrating] I don't know why I did what I did. I guess I couldn't bear to tell her about her son. What I did was wrong, but... I'd do it again. Armin: Yes, Mother, it's me! Agnes: You look different somehow...but you must be Seymour. Yes. You are Seymour! Armin: [narrating] As strange as it sounds, deep down I think she knew I wasn't her son, but a lie made us both happier than the truth ever could have. Agnes: You can have some lima beans as soon as you've cleaned your room. Go! [whispering] Upstairs. Third door on the left. [shouting] Don't walk on the rugs! Armin: Yes... Mother. -- Inconspicuousness is a virtue, "The Principal and the Pauper" % Back in the present, Armin finishes narrating his story. Armin: Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. If you must blame someone, blame me. Skinner: That's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin. -- ...Oh. "The Principal and the Pauper" Armin: Well, that's about it. So for the past twenty-six years I've dedicated myself to living out your dream. Skinner: I didn't dream anything about an aqua suit or a lavender shirt, but you did take care of Mom. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" A dagger! A dagger through my heart! -- Agnes Skinner upon the shock of learning the truth about her son, "The Principal and the Pauper" Armin: Oh, here, Mother, let me help you. Agnes: Get your hands off of me! Skinner: Please, Mom... Agnes: You too, stranger! Skinner: I'm your son! Agnes: [gravely ticked off] I have no son! Homer: Look, lady, obviously you have at least one son. Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud! Skinner: Take it easy, Mom! Agnes: I said back off! Armin: You'd better do as she says, she's quick with a hatpin. -- Telling from experience, "The Principal and the Pauper" Armin: Uh, well, I suppose I'll have to find a hotel. Chalmers: I won't hear of it. Tonight, you can sleep on the floor of your office. -- A true friend, "The Principal and the Pauper" % The next day, Bart whistles as he opens the door to the principal's % office. Armin climbs up off the floor and sits at his desk. Bart: Hey, Armin. Mrs. Krabappel sent me. I forged my Dad's signature on my report card. Armin: Oh, now Bart, you know that's wrong. Bart: Well I don't see how me signing Homer's name is any different from you using Sergeant Skinner's name. Armin: [sighs] I guess me punishing you seems somewhat hypocritical. Why don't you just write a thirty-word essay on what you've done. Bart: Hey, hey, hey! Easy there, you big impostor. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % At the Kwik-E-Mart, Armin writes Apu a check. Marge Simpson stands % nearby. Armin: So, uh, um, should I sign my original name? Apu: Just put an "X", then call yourself whatever the hell you want. -- Strong words, "The Principal and the Pauper" Armin: Well, now there's no need for profanity. My name may have changed, but I'm still the same man I was last week. Marge: Not to us you're not. I mean, how would you feel if you suddenly found out Ned Flanders was an impostor. Armin: Who's Ned Flanders? Marge: My next door neighbor, religious guy? Armin: Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % "No I don't! What I mean is, to me, you're just a stranger, pretending % to be something he's not. Sorry, but that's just how I feel." Armin: % "No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending." % In front of a gathering of residents of the city of Springfield, Armin % stands at a podium. Superintendent Chalmers and Sergeant Skinner stand % next to him. I've called this assembly to announce my retirement effective as of the end of this sentence... this sentence I'm speaking... right now... period! [the crowd gasps] -- Principal 'Armin Tanzarian' Skinner, "The Principal and the Pauper" Armin: I wrongfully usurped Sergeant Skinner's position, and I suggest you consider him to replace me. Thank you. Chalmers: Well, now, I don't know. Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal? Skinner: Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me can do it, well, then, logically, the real me must be far more qualified. Chalmers: Good enough. Armin Tanzarian's reign of terror is over. Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner...Principal Seymour Skinner! -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % Everyone cheers, while backstage, Armin walks into the shadows. Later, % while standing at his mother's front door, he says good-bye his former % Sergeant, as well as his former life. Armin: Well, before I go, I've got some personal items for you. You belong to the Radio Shack Battery Club. Oh, oh, ten Canadian dollars, that's a souvenir from your trip to upstate New York. Skinner: You've led quite a life, Tanzarian. Armin: It's your life. I've just kept it warm for you. Oh, I nearly forgot. Your pocket watch. Mother's picture is still inside. Take good care of her. Skinner: I'll wind her every day. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % The two salute each other, when Agnes emerges from the front door. I poached some fish for your trip, Mr. Tanzarian. They're full of tiny bones, so I want you to be careful. -- Agnes Skinner, "The Principal and the Pauper" % Armin hugs his mother and walks away, destination: Edna's apartment. He % knocks on the door. Good evening, Edna. I know we were planning to see a film tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever. -- How about Thursday? "The Principal and the Pauper" Edna: No, please, I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man. Armin: Mmm...that's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you. Edna: [expecting him to pop the question] Oh! Armin: But instead, I'm leaving town forever. Goodbye. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % He walks away from Edna's apartment and to the "Store-U-Stuff". At % Garage 24, Armin pulls a leather jacket out of an old box, marked with his % name. "Well, it's time to pick up where I left off. As a no good street % punk!" Armin tosses away the cover to his motorcycle and starts it; he % drives past Bart, Milhouse, and Martin. Bart: Principal Skinner? Armin: Up yours, children! -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % End of act two. % Act three. Kent Brockman reports the evening news. [laughs] Now to recap, our top story in its entirety. The adaptable citizens of Springfield. Have opened their hearts to Principal Seymour Skinner, who... [A picture of Armin Tanzarian goes up on the screen next to Kent.] Not that one! [A picture of Sgt. Skinner appears on the screen, upside down.] Idiots! -- Very unprofessional, Phil. Kent Brockman, "The Principal and the Pauper" % On the TV, a crowd is shown, listening to Skinner speak. Thank you, thank you. I must say, in many ways, Springfield really beats the old slave labor camp. -- Sergeant Skinner's speech, "The Principal and the Pauper" % They cheer. At home, the Simpsons watch the report. Lisa: I admit Sergeant Skinner seems okay, but Mr. Tanzarian pulled himself up from the streets and earned our respect and admiration. Bart: What about his name? Lisa: His name doesn't matter. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Bart: Not if you called them stench blossoms. Homer: Or crapweeds. Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy. Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops! -- Or asschews, "The Principal and the Pauper" % In Mrs. Krabappel's class, Chalmers, Edna, and Skinner stand at the front. Chalmers: Your new principal would like to say a few words. Remember, you have to respect him. He's a war hero. Nelson: Ha, ha! Skinner: Thank you, Chalmers. You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. [to Bart] Why don't you lead us, son? Bart: Hey, America, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, America. [makes a farting noise, the kids laugh.] -- "The Principal and the Pauper" Skinner: Well, that's very concise. But it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now take a seat, junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service to their country. Mrs. Krabappel, the pledge, please? Edna: You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant? Skinner: Are you asking me out? -- A long time, "The Principal and the Pauper" % In the streets of Capital City, Skinner walks among the dirty buildings % and blaring police sirens. "Ah, 433rd street, my old neighborhood." % Skinner pushes his bike in front of a building featuring "Topless Models". % He sees a sign reading "Help Wanted", and gets a position advertising in % the street, wearing a sign reading "Nude! Nude! Nude!". He reads his lines % in typical (dull) Armin fashion. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capital City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six, count 'em, six gorgeous ladies just dying...for your leers and cat calls. Yowsa, yowsa. -- Armin trying to promote 'Topless Nudes,' "The Principal and the Pauper" % At the Skinner residence, Seymour comes in to find Agnes, angry and % waiting by the front door. Agnes: Oh, Seymour, it's 7:30. Where were you? Skinner: A bar, Mom. Agnes: I don't know what that is, but on Fridays, you come straight home after school! Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there! Skinner: I really just came home to change into a turtleneck. Agnes: Seymour! Sit! Skinner: In the morning. Oh, Mom? I'm borrowing your car. -- I have no son, "The Principal and the Pauper" % Seymour takes the keys and leaves; Agnes gives a hideous glare. Later, % she stews in anger in the grocery store check-out lane. Marge: Good morning, Agnes. Mmm...how's your new son working out? Agnes: That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky middle-aged man in creation! Edna: Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who want to bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner? Marge: And have ten items or less. Edna: [discarding items] Twelve, eleven, ten, the man's a weenie! Marge: Now be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tanzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner. Edna: But he was weenie! -- "The Principal and the Pauper" Now there was a weenie you could be proud to call your son. -- Agnes Skinner talking about her son-imposter, Armin Tanzarian, "The Principal and the Pauper" % "Did you ever tell him that?" Marge asks Agnes. % Agnes thinks for a moment, staring forlornly away. Some time later, she, % Edna, and Homer ride in the front seat of his car. Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going? Edna: To Capital City. Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car? Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tanzarian into coming back. Homer: And why is Marge here? Marge: I came up with the idea. Homer: And why am I here? Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies. Homer: Why are the kids here? Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them. Homer: Why is Grandpa here? Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself! Homer: Huh, fair enough. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" Abe: [to Agnes] Hello, beautiful. Agnes: In your dreams! Abe: We'll see about that! [falls asleep, mumbling] Hello, beautiful... -- [shudder] "The Principal and the Pauper" % In Armin's apartment, the ex-principal lies on his bed while his % visitors stand around him. Armin: My mind is made up! I'm not coming back! And that's final. Edna: Oh, Seymour. Armin: And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas. Homer: Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin? Armin: Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. Agnes: Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that! Armin: Well, you didn't bring me up at all! Agnes: To hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for twenty-six years! I'm the only mother you've ever known! Armin: But you have your real son! Agnes: You are my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car! Armin: Yes, Mother. Agnes: And the rest of you, too! All: Yes, Mrs. Skinner. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % Arriving back in Springfield, Homer honks his horn, getting the town's % attention, and lets everyone know the Skinner they know and love is back. % The townspeople talk with each other, until Principal Skinner comes out % of the elementary school to speak. Skinner: You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner! This is where I belong! You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life to you people! Aren't I entitled to a little dignity?! Armin: You're, uh...you're right, Sergeant. Chalmers: Well, I don't see any way out of this. Homer: Now if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution that'll satisfy the town, and let Sergeant Skinner keep his dignity. [Some time later, Sergeant Skinner sits in a chair, tied to a flat railcar. The train whistles and prepares to pull away.] Skinner: But I'm a hero! Homer: And we salute you for it. Now don't come back! -- No good at goodbyes! "The Principal and the Pauper" I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I'm glad you understand. -- Agnes Skinner, "The Principal and the Pauper" % The crowd cheers as the train drives away, taking the real Seymour Skinner % out of Springfield. Armin: Well, this is a lovely gesture, but we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. Homer: Oh, no we don't. Judge Snyder? Judge: By authority of the City of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future, and Mother. Skinner: Okay. Judge: And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened! And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture. [The townspeople cheer.] -- "The Principal and the Pauper" Agnes: Here, son. This is yours again. Skinner: I've never been happier, or prouder to be Seymour Skinner, but, these last few days as that hot-headed rouge Armin Tanzarian has taught me a thing or two. Now, maybe I've been a little too uptight in the past. Well, from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner! Agnes: Oh, no we won't! Skinner: Yes, Mother. -- "The Principal and the Pauper" % End of act three. ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {ag} Andrew Gill {bc} Ben Collins {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {ddg} Don Del Grande {dga} Dale G. Abersold {hl} Haynes Lee {jk} Joe Klemm {mar} Mark Aaron Richey {nmd} Nathan Mulac Dehoff ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== [4F23] capsule copyright 1999, Hari Michael Wierny, and The Simpsons Archive. (The quotes remain the property of Fox, and the reproduced articles remain the property of their respective authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.) Not to be redistributed in public forum without the permission of the author. The Quotes and Scene Summary itself copyright 1997, John Ogan. Thanks to Frederic Briere for providing me with a.t.s. archives when needed.