When You Dish Upon a Star                             Written by Richard Appel
                                                     Directed by Pete Michaels
==============================================================================
Production code: 5F19                      Original Airdate on FOX: 8-Nov-1998
Capsule revision B (26-Feb-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   (Canada) Homer is starstruck after meeting Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
   {hl}

   (Latin America) After getting lost during a trip to the beach, Homer
   becomes the butler of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, who are living in a
   secret place near Springfield  (jv)

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     BUTT.COM IS NOT MY / E-MAIL ADDRESS (first run)

                BUTT.BUTT IS NOT MY / E-MAIL ADDRESS (repeats)

Couch:          Marge brings a laundry basket to the living room, where a
                clothesline is strung in front of the couch.  She removes
                sheets from the basket, snaps them, and hangs them on the
                line, and we can see that the "sheets" really are Homer, Lisa,
                Bart, and Maggie.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Lisa has only some unidentified green food on her plate?  [{ddg}
       figures there's no such thing as a vegetarian Manwich.  {pmg} asks,
       "Wouldn't that pretty much be thick spaghetti sauce?"]
   ... in less than one month, 20th Century Fox will become a division of the
       Walt Disney Co.?  [{brk} says, "(OFF Disney characters?  *shudder*)"]

Brad Bizzolt:
   ... yet another "Where Is Springfield?" jab?
   ... all of Homer's exercise advice is the exact opposite of what's
       recommended?
   ... the big grin on Bart's face during Homer's addressing of the court?
   ... the "Titanic" poster in the movie exec's office?

Don Del Grande:
   ... in Homer's dream, he calls the Ranger "Ranger Ned", despite the fact
       that Yogi never called Ranger Smith by his first name (and Homer
       usually doesn't call Ned by his first name, either)?
   ... Maggie is wearing a swimsuit (that looks nothing like Lisa's)?
   ... Homer's "Variety" is "Springfield Variety"?  [{pmg} says, "Makes you
       wonder if Hollywood has a teeny ad in there reading 'FLIM HOLLYWOOD'"
   ... the badminton net was much taller than the 5 feet high it is supposed
       to be?

Yuri Dieujuste:
   ... Homer says he could not read but he read from a list of food that
       Baldwin and Basinger wanted?
   ... the dining room table was shorter than normal?
   ... Homer remembers and uses the terms used by the celebrities?
   ... Moe and the bar group believe what Homer said?

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... Maggie appears in only two scenes?
   ... Mrs. Krabappel wears a strapless bikini?
   ... Manjula doesn't accompany Apu at the beach?
   ... Homer's car doesn't have its usual dent?
   ... Kim stutters on "muffins" when she says "No more muffins!"?  [Anthony
       Howard counters, "That may be a bad audio edit when they were splicing
       the audio together so it sounds like a 'stutter'"]
   ... Homer drives the Humvee to the Kwik-E-Mart?
   ... OFF eat their burgers and fries with silverware?
   ... if you listen carefully as Homer's museum attendants defend the
       celebrities, you can hear Ruth Powers speak?

Tony Hill:
   ... the Basinger/Baldwin house faces north (position of sat. dish)?  (See
       "Comments" section for more)
   ... Alec rescues the badminton net before taking shelter?
   ... Kirk's arm is now operational?
   ... Krusty is among those who show up to ogle the stars?
   ... Homer dials 7 digits to reach Gloria Stuart?

Christopher Michael Jones:
   ... Ron Howard is apparently an alcoholic?
   ... Bart's soap box racer is also in the basement?

Darrel Jones:
   ... Ralph is at the beach, playing with sand?
   ... the man telling Homer to spill the beans about the celebrities is
       Horace Greeley?  (See "Comments" section)

Joe Klemm:
   ... Principal Skinner rubbing suntan lotion on Mrs. Krabappel at Lake
       Springfield?
   ... the Olmec head is still in the basement?
   ... Lisa's vegetarian meal in place of hamburgers and french fries?
   ... One of the boxes is specifically for Kim Basinger's Oscar?
   ... the Titanic movie poster in the Fox office (which is correct, since the
       film was co-produced by Fox and Paramount)?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... in Homer's dream, Homer and Bart's arms and hands are drawn in that
       queer manner that most H-B characters are drawn in?  (Always stiffened
       and the hands curled in.)

Patrick McGovern:
   ... although Apu has a mushroom garden on top of the Kwik-E-Mart, he
       doesn't have those Mushrooms?
   ... Basinger doesn't care her husband was using hair gel as toothpaste?
       [Or maybe she didn't know -- Ed.]
   ... Lenny is in the front row at the trial?
   ... Homer associates "Creative thinking" with garbage picking and
       homosexuality?
   ... this is the 2nd ep in a row with a sound clip used at the Gracie Logo?
       [Later, this would become a standard operating procedure -- Ed.]

Brian Rawson-Ketchum:
   ... the people heading to the lake use the outbound lane?
   ... Homer calls Ron Howard both Fonzie and Horshack, but not Opie?  (see
       comments)
   ... Homer correctly pronounces Basinger's name when he imitates her?

Cole Rieger:
   ... no one in Springfield can tell that "no one" is Homer?
   ... some people in Springfield can't throw for beans?
   ... the method Lisa using to start waterskiing -- jump-starting -- isn't
       very easy?
   ... Marge can drive a boat?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... in Homer's dream, the background is drawn Hanna-Barbera style, rather
       then "Simpsons" style?
   ... Marge blithely continued running the motorboat at top speed even after
       the engine was smoking for a while?
   ... Kim Basinger packs her Oscar in a separate box?
   ... Marge and Lisa seem mortified by Homer's defense, while Bart apparently
       agrees with him?

Mike Smith:
   ... there's more chalkboard gags in the 5F series (14) than the previous
       two series (3F and 4F) combined (13)?
   ... only the second 5F episode to have the full opening ("Lost Our Lisa"
       [5F17] is the other one)?
   ... it's the first time this season that the full end credits is shown
       (That's what we got for the trimmed-down end credits of "Treehouse of
       Horror IX" [AABF01] two weeks ago)?
   ... Homer borrowed Ned's muffler?
   ... Kim & Alec sleep until around 11 A. M.?
   ... Homer brought "Oscar Polish"?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer/Homi Bear, Gray-haired man [?], Sideshow Mel,
        Barney)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart/Bart-Bart)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Apu, Moe, Carl, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Kirk Van
        Houten)
   - Harry Shearer (Lenny, Ned, Boat rental clerk [?], McAllister, Smithers,
        Harry Shearer)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Alec Baldwin (Himself)
   - Kim Basinger (Herself)
   - Brian Grazer (Executive)
   - Ron Howard (Himself)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Rod Flanders (in background))
   - Maggie Roswell (Ruth Powers [?] (in background))

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "When You Wish Upon a Star" (song)  {jk}
      - title parodies this Disney standard
      - [{th} notes it was, "the Oscar-winning best song of 1940, was written
        by Ned Washington and Leigh Harline for Walt Disney's 'Pinocchio.'"]

   + "Yogi Bear" (cartoon character)
      - Homer's dream obviously based on this cartoon, with Homer, Bart, and
        Ned as Yogi, Boo-Boo, and the Ranger, respectively

   + "Magilla Gorilla" (cartoon character)
      - Homer's other, unseen, dream based on this show, which is also from
        the H-B stable

   + Taj Mahal (tomb/mosque in India)  {th}
      - Apu made a sand replica of this structure in Agra, India

   ~ James Cameron's Oscar speech  {ct}
      - Homer's parasailing dialogue similar

   + U-Haul (moving company)  {jk}
      - "U-Trawl" sounds pretty close

   - "Wayne's World"  (movie)  {cl}
      - Homer tells someone he's illiterate to gain sympathy, like Wayne tells
        Cassandra in this movie

   + "Happy Days" (TV series)
      - Homer has the right show, but the wrong character when he calls Ron
        Howard "Potsie".  (Potsie was played by Anson Williams, I think)  {hl}
      - [{jk} notes, "(the mix-up) is explainable since the show originally
        centered around Richie and Potsie."]
      - theme song plays when Ron Howard lands the movie deal
      - [{th} writes that the song, "was written for the series of the same
        name by Norman Gimbel and Charles Fox"]

   + "Terminator" (movie)
      - Homer's "Terminizor" clearly inspired by this

   + "Back to the Future"  (movie)  {cmj}
      - Homer's time machine drawing had an inset that looked like the
        infamous "flux capacitor" from Back to the Future

   - "The Time Machine" (movie based on the H.G. Wells novel)  {ck}
      - time-travel device similar to Homer's -- both have a spinning thing in
        the back that look like a striped umbrella, with the rest basically
        being a chair with attachments

   - "China Syndrome" (movie)  {hl}
      - Homer noticing a problem by the ripples in the drinking cup

   + "Jurassic Park" (movie)
      - lemonade glasses tremble as crowd approaches, as water glasses do in
        movie when the dinosaurs approach

   + "Welcome Back, Kotter" (TV series)  {ddg}
      - Homer calls Ron Howard "Horshack," who's a character from this show

   - "Splash" (movie)
   - "LA Confidential" (movie)
   - "Hunt for Red October"  (movie)  {tr}
      - movies mentioned by the crowd

   - Beethoven (movie)  {hl}
      - St. Bernard doggy movie

   - "Hooray for Hollywood" (song)  {tr}
      - the horn theme in Homer's "museum"

   - "This time, it's personal" (movie tagline)  {bjr}
      - considered a generic movie slogan, but perhaps first associated with
        "Jaws IV"

   - "Dirt Devil" (vacuum cleaner)
      - Homer references this vacuum cleaner company's ad campaign in the
        courtroom

   - "Titanic" (movie)  {tr}
      - Homer harasses the old woman from that film via telephone

   - Sophie's Choice  (book, then movie)  {jk}
      - Ron Howard's first film idea is similar to the plot of this film

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Bear Attacks  {hl}
   - [7G09] Maggie nearly eaten by bear.
   - [8F24] A bear ate a kid's hat.
   - [9F01] Polar bear rummaging through Homer's garbage.
   - [1F06] Ernest Borgnine's Junior Camper group attacked by bear.
   - [2F06] Talk-show bear attacks its audience.
   - [2F32] Homer warns about not feeding bears and shows baby bear biting his
            arm.
   - [3F16] News report about stowaway bear terrorizing space shuttle crew.
   - [3F20] Bear eats Homer's mailbox.

- [7G09], [2F22] Flanderses' RV  {je}
- [7F18] OFF go for a wet'n'wild vacation  {je}
- [7F22] The Olmec head  {cmj}
- [8F07] Bart's soap box racer  {cmj}
- [8F20] Derogatory reference to the Golden Globe award  {ol}
- [9F01], [9F14] Homer falls through a window  {je}
- [9F05] Maggie nearly chopped up by fan blades  {hl}
- [9F19] An Oscar is polished  {dj}
- [9F22] Homer takes a short cut  {cmj}
- [1F14] disastrous water skiing incident  {hl}
- [1F19] A Humvee is mentioned  {ms}
- [2F01] the traffic jam is very similar to the one encountered here  {pm}
- [2F01], [4F13] Someone says, "Remember where we parked"  {ddg}
- [2F01] The Simpsons take a shortcut while driving  {dj}
- [2F04] Groundskeeper Willie attacked by wee turtles  {hl}
- [2F14] Homer works for some celebrity (Cab driver for Mel Brooks)  {jv}
- [3F01] a Simpson twists their head around in an unnatural manner (Maggie in
         [3F01])  {ad}
- [3F05] Oscar statuette appears again  {mp}
- [3F17] A car Bart is riding in drives through a cornfield  {dj}
- [3F17] Another instance of "Remember where we parked"  {av}
- [3F20] Homer can't find the location of Springfield  {ad}
- [3F23] Kitchen here looks like Alec and Kim's  {hl}
- [3G01] Homer borrowing Ned's stuff (muffler)  {cmj}
- [3G01] Turtle bites Grampa  {hl}
- [4F08] Cletus' children  {je}
- [4F10] Homer has an old-fashioned photo of himself  {lg}
- [4F19] A sudden electrocution  {je}
- [5F05] Judge Snyder issues a bizarre restraining order  {je}
- [5F05] Last appearance of Judge Snyder  {dj}
- [5F09] Homer expects others to clean up  {th}
- [5F20] Titanic reference  {je}
- [5F20] A cellular phone is pulled out as it beeps  {jv}
- [5F23] Homer makes up his own movie  {je}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Sign at the lake  {bjr}

          WELCOME TO
      LAKE   SPRINGFIELD

      [sailboat on lake]

    FORMERLY CESS HOLE 17A

- Boat rental shack sign  {je}

      U-TRAWL
    BOAT RENTALS

- Sign on the back wall

   Water Skis . . . . . . . . $10.00
   Ski Boat . . . . . . . . . $30.00
   Jet Skis . . . . . . . . . $20.00

- Placards carried by crowd  {bjr}

      WELCOME      WE      YOU
    CELEBRITIES   LOVE   COMPLETE
                  YOU       US

- Movie studio sign  {bjr}

               2 0 t h
            C E N T U R Y
               F O X

    A DIVISION OF WALT DISNEY CO.

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
c  The closed captioning had Homer being called "Yogi", and Ned being called
   "Ranger Smith".  Kinda weird ...  {pmg}

c  The close captioning had Bart-Bart being called "Boo Boo."  {js}

*  Boats can't go that fast in reverse.  {th}

*  The prop isn't all the way into the water.  {cr}

*  More than likely, Homer would have wrecked the tow rope?  (He should have
   pulled it in before backing up.)  {cr}

*  Where's Maude when Flanderses are at the beach?  {cr}

+  Homer knows how to read.  One example: the note in his pocket in "Marge on
   the Lam."  [See "Comments" section for possible explanations of this]
   {ddg}

=  When Kim Basinger talked, her lips expanded but her lipstick stayed still.
   {ddg}

*  When Homer's parasail breaks off, he glides forward (as if he was still
   connected) before plummeting vertically, and then falls straight through
   the skylight rather than maintaining some horizontal momentum, but then
   again, this assumes "five-fingered world physics".  {ddg}

=  In some of the far shots of the Hummer, the roof appears different.  (For
   example, in the shot before Kirk gets shocked, it appears to be a closed-
   roof model.)  {bjr}

*  Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are the only celebrities Homer is able to
   brag about meeting?  Come *on*!  {je}

*  Moe has met bigger stars than Kent Brockman.  How about Aerosmith, Red Hot
   Chili Peppers, Lucius Sweet, and even Homer?  {cr}

c  When Ron Howard misses a shot in badminton, we hear Homer say,
   "Unbelievable," but the CC says, "How could you miss that!"  {js}

-  Homer and Marges' burgers are different colors.  {cr}

=  As Homer walks away from the table in court, we see Bart's headless torso
   in the audience (yikes!).  A few frames later, it magically pops back into
   place.  {bjr}

*  In Brian Grazer's office, there was a poster of "Titanic" on his office,
   but, he did not produce it.  James Cameron's Lightstorm Entertainment did.
   (Fox did release "Titanic" overseas -- Paramount released it in the U. S.
   and Canada)  {ms}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  An agreeable, funny little episode, with effective guest
   appearances, and some good satire on Hollywood stars and fandom.  It
   reminded me of season 8 ... and I liked season 8.  If the show ever did
   become Homercentric again, this is the kind of Homercentrism that I could
   live with.  (B+)

Brad Bizzolt:  I went into this episode extremely skeptical-- these big
   celebrity episodes usually don't pack too big a punch.  The first act had a
   lot of those Season 9-ish non-sequitur style jokes, overly-cartoonish sight
   gags (the whole waterskiing thing) and dragged on for a bit, so I was
   starting to get a little worried by the first commercial break.  I was
   pleasantly surprised after that point ... the celebs were, predictably,
   rather self-effacing, but for once it was genuinely funny.  Lots of good
   one-liners, no attempt to wrap everything up into a neat, happy ending,
   etc.  I didn't regret watching this, and figure it's probably worth a few
   more repeat viewings once it hits syndication.  (B+)

Ben Collins:  Used to be that in lousy eighth-and-ninth-season episodes, Homer
   deliberately making an ass of himself was part of the plot.  In this
   bumbling, sleep-inducing excursion through obvious and overused "gags"
   about celebrities, with a few dumb sight gags thrown in (the parasailing
   fire, etc.), it IS the plot (I can't believe I used the word "plot" that
   much in this review).  Remember when OFF would make fun of tripe like this?
   (D)

Nathan DeHoff:  I didn't like this one all that much.  [...]  Also, the plot
   was fairly weak, Homer's bad traits were exaggerated, and we didn't see
   much of the rest of the family.  The good parts of this episode included
   Homer's Yogi Bear dream, the Comic Book Guy's appearance, and pretty much
   everything relating to Homer's movie script.  Homer's hang gliding made for
   a good sight gag.  One thing that I found somewhat odd was the fact that
   the Springfieldianites were so excited about having celebrities in their
   town.  I mean, celebrities visit Springfield in every other episode, so it
   seems like the residents should be used to the idea by now.  Oh, well.  The
   episode wasn't a total dud, but it was fairly weak.  (C-)

Anthony Dean:  A rather pointless and dull episode.  The only really amusing
   joke's probably Homer's "where is Springfield?" bit.  The celebrities (as I
   suspected) didn't add anything to this episode.  Finally, it seems that
   Homer's slide into clinical brain-deadness continues, with that stupid "I
   can't read" joke.  (D+)

Jeff Dean:  Celebrity appearances are no substitute for humor or a compelling
   plot.  Because of this, "When You Dish Upon A Star" was doomed for
   mediocrity from the beginning.  The one excellent scene was at the very
   beginning.  The rest of the episode was generally unfunny and dull. A
   marginal  (C)

Don Del Grande:  Well, I thought it was loaded with laughs, so the way
   alt.tv.simpsons works, that probably means everybody else hated it [Guess
   again, Don -- Ed.], although it could have used an integrated subplot.
   (A-)

Chit Duree:  I, like most people have become disillusioned by The Simpsons in
   recent seasons; it just isn't very funny anymore.  Tonight's episode
   however, totally blew me away.  It was HI - Larious!  The writing was
   top-notch, the guest stars actually had a part in the story, and everyone
   was in character. An incredible comeback for my once-again favorite show!
   (A+)

Jordan Eisenberg:  FOX may have thought this was a blockbuster Simpsons
   episode, but I sure didn't.  While it started off fine, with a nearly
   joke-per-millisecond telling of OFF's trip to the beach, the second and
   third acts were very ho-hum, and Kirk being electrocuted was downright
   morbid.  I did sorta' enjoy the action scene on the RV, but I suspect it
   won't stand up to repeated viewings.  Oh yeah, and the animation was
   terrible.  (C-)

Tony Hill:  This was pretty silly.  There was nothing in it that was even a
   little bit believable.  And the children's roles were pretty flat.  I can't
   remember the last time there was an episode with only one plotline that was
   this bad.  I give it a  (D)

Darrel Jones:  Another classic!  Season Ten looks excellent.  Homer's "Yogi
   Bear" dream and the "Museum of Hollywood Jerks" alone make it worthwhile.
   My only complaint: the episode seemed like it went by too fast.  Still, I
   give it a 10/10.  (A+)

Joe Klemm:  Another episode where the jokes make the story okay to watch.  The
   opening act (Homer's dream and the parasailing bit) were clever, as well as
   Ron Howard's failed attempt to jump on the "Museum" and Homer's celebrity
   testimony.  Hopefully, a good story that's not Halloween based will come to
   give the season an episode with an A rating.  (B)

Jake Lennington:  A sight gagged farce of an episode that was funny for the
   first act only.  After the meeting with the 'stars', the show became dumb
   rather quickly.  Okay at best, horrendous at worst.  (C-)

Ondre Lombard:  There isn't much to say about this one except it was
   unbelievably lame.  Nothing but forced lines for Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger
   and Ron Howard--a trio of celebrities who, in terms of guest appearances,
   bore and disinterest me greatly.  Once again, Homer's brain (Homer can't
   read?  Yuh huh.), sense of class, sense of anything took a long trip to the
   undiscovered 11th planet, and the family faded into the background, being
   given forgettable dialogue that seemed to just say "See?  This isn't JUST
   the Homer and Useless Celebrities Show."  And what kind of statement was
   being made about celebrities here?  [...]  For what it's worth, though, the
   ending was kind of decent.  (D-)

Patrick McGovern:  Not half bad!  While the premise is definitely out there,
   it was still funny. The best parts, surprisingly, involved the chatter
   between Basinger and Baldwin. Ron Howard was pretty funny too (Homer, we're
   out of vodka!), and that scene at Moe's was funny.  Still, I hope this was
   a one-time deal.  Not since "Lisa the Vegetarian" has star sucking up been
   so evident.  (B)

Michael Parks:  Like every ep, this one had its moments.  The Yogi Bear scene
   was brilliant and the constant shots at Ron Howard (e.g. trying to jump on
   the RV) were well done, but overall I was unimpressed.  Yet another episode
   reliant on guest stars for its plot and the whole
   celebrities-in-Springfield-want-to-be kept-secret-but-revealed-by-a-Simpson
   thing was done way back in Stark Raving Dad.  [...]  I can at least take
   some solace in the fact that it was a Season Nine holdover (all four were
   mediocre at best), so there's still hope for Season Ten.  (C-)

Brian Rawson-Ketchum:  Gosh, is it me or are these episodes getting better?  I
   especially liked Homer's dream opening, the scenes at the lake, and the
   superb ending. There were no needless running gags, and Homer as self
   defender is something I want to see for episodes to come.  Overall, this
   episode receives an  (A)

Abhi Ray:  This episode's jokes on Hollywood were pretty good, better than in
   Radioactive Man.  The trip to the lake was funny and had some good sight
   gags.  I don't think the celebrities' appearances were wasted either,
   especially Ron Howard, who shined.  Homer also was OK, not too stupid, but
   funny because of his warped logic.  The last act with the car chase was
   pretty funny as well.  This episode wasn't spectacular, but it just had a
   lot of funny moments.  (B)

Tom Rinschler:  Not as bad as it could have been, but not as good as it could
   have been either.  The writers attempted to satire celebrities and our
   fascination by them, but although they got in a few zingers, they could
   have gone for much deeper and harder satire.  There were several good
   laughs, but it could have, and should have, been much better.  The
   celebrities' appearances neither added to, nor took away from, the plot;
   they were merely adequate.  (B-)

Jason Rosenbaum:  After a good start, the Simpsons take a nosedive in this
   awful episode.  The guest stars were all pretty bad (especially Alec
   Baldwin), Homer was incredibly stupid, especially with the stupid "I can't
   read"  conversation.  The plot was horribly predictable, especially the
   ending.  Although the Yogi Bear dream was hilarious, it wasn't enough to
   save this episode.  (D)

Yours Truly:  As celebrity-driven shows go, this is one of the better ones,
   and one of the most consistently funny.  Homer's dream at the very
   beginning was the best part, and sure to be one of the series' classic
   parodies.  Ron Howard had the best lines in this one, although Alec Baldwin
   and Kim Basinger weren't bad.  Light on depth, but long on fun, this is the
   "Simpson" version of a summer bubble-gum movie.  (B)

AVERAGE GRADE:  C+ (2.46)   Std Dev.: 1.1824   (27 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Let's see if Bart's story checks out ...

Brad Bizzolt does some sleuthing:  Unless Bart's real name is Donna or Wayne
   Fogel, the blackboard message is truthful --

   Registrant:
   Digital Communications Network (BUTT2-DOM)
      8123 Ridge Road
      New Port Richey, Florida 34654
      USA

      Domain Name: BUTT.COM

      Administrative Contact:
         Fogel, Donna  (DF85)  donnaf@INNET.COM
      Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
         Fogel, Wayne  (WF5)  wayne@INNET.COM
      Billing Contact:
         Fogel, Donna  (DF85)  donnaf@INNET.COM

      Record last updated on 24-Feb-96.
      Record created on 24-Feb-96.
      Database last updated on 8-Nov-98 04:46:37 EST.

      Domain servers in listed order:

      NS.INNET.COM                 204.149.226.10
      NS1.INNET.COM                204.149.228.12

   [The fact that a "butt.com" site exists, and is a pornography site to boot,
   appears to have caught the producers by surprise.  The punishment was
   hastily changed to "butt.butt" for the second (and subsequent) airings --
   Ed.]


>> Those eternal threads ...

 - Is Smithers Gay?

Dale Abersold:  Red pumps?  Size 12EE?  Need I say more?


Benjamin Robinson:  Actually, you could.  According to psychologists, many if
   not most cross-dressers are heterosexual, and a lot of the time it's that
   super-macho guy who has the 12EE pumps in his closet.  (Of course a lot of
   the time that super-macho guy really is super-macho, so don't toss this
   accusation around lightly.)

   Various theories exist for this phenomenon, ranging from the biological
   (not enough testosterone in the womb) to psychological (incomplete
   separation, mentally speaking, from mother).  Or it could just be a comfort
   thing. Silk, said one cross-dresser, is easier on the skin then denim.


 - Where is Springfield?

Tony Hill notes:  The Basinger/Baldwin house faces north [based on the]
   position of sat. dish?


Paul Tomko:  This depends where in the U.S. Springfield is and which
   satellite.  In California, some satellites are almost directly south, but
   on the East coast, those same satellites would be south and west.  Since we
   don't know where Springfield is, we can't really guess the direction of the
   house.

   If their house really does face north, it is an indication that they don't
   live in a particularly cold climate.  Most people in northerly regions
   prefer not to have an opening to the north.


>> "I'm smarter than the average bear."

Brian Rawson-Ketchum:  This was the tag line of the incomparable Yogi Bear.
   Though through the years he's been through shows with different formats,
   he's most remembered for swiping pic-i-nic baskets and provoking the kind
   Ranger Smith.  Boo-Boo would always warn Yogi that they shouldn't be doing
   these kind of things.  Of course, Yogi never mauled anyone, which makes
   Homer's dream sequence more hilarious.


Christian Kammerer writes:  I know I've screamed at Yogi a million times, "FOR
   GOODNESS' SAKE YOU'RE A BEAR!  Just maul the stupid bulldog and take the
   pies!"


>> Stargazing

It's an episode about celebrities, so naturally you can expect some guest
   stars.  Joe Klemm gives us some background on tonight's stars:  Kim
   Basinger is the Oscar winning actress from the film "L.A. Confidential."
   Besides that, she is better known as the lady who played Vicki Vale in the
   first "Batman" film, and the wife of Alec Baldwin.

   Alec Baldwin is Kim Basinger's husband and the best-known Baldwin brother.
   He starred in the 1990 spy thriller, "The Hunt for Red October."  Other
   films that he starred in include "The Shadow" and "Beetlejuice."

   Ron Howard is one of the most successful child actors to still be popular
   when he became an adult.  Starting off on The Andy Griffith Show," Ron's
   popularity grew when he starred as Richie in "Happy Days."  Following the
   show, Ron became a successful director, as well as one of the heads of
   Imagine Entertainment. Among his directorial credits include "Splash,"
   "Cocoon," "Willow," and "Apollo 13," for which he won a Director's Guild
   Award.


Brian Rawson-Ketchum adds:  Homer refers to Howard as "Fonzie" (wrong
   character) and "Horshack" (wrong show).  Of course, Homer thinks Bethesda
   was more obscure than Springfield.


>> And the winner is ...

As Kim Basinger was quick to point out, she won an Oscar.  As Mike Smith
   notes, she's not the only "Simpsons" guest star to win the prestigious
   award:  Kim Basinger is the ninth Oscar winner to appeared on "The
   Simpsons" (Having  won it this year for Best Supporting Actress, in "L. A.
   Confidential").  Here is the list of Oscar winners who have appeared on the
   series.

   Dustin Hoffman (Mr. Bergstrom [7F19], billed as "Sam Etic"): Best Actor,
   1979 ("Kramer Vs. Kramer") and 1988 ("Rain Man")

   Elizabeth Taylor (Maggie {?!}  [9F08] and Cameo [9F19]): Best Actress, 1960
   ("Butterfield 8") and 1966 ("Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?")  (Still the
   only performer to appeared on "The Simpsons" in  both as a cameo and as a
   guest voice.)

   Meryl Streep (Jessica Lovejoy [2F04]): Best Actress, 1979 ("Kramer Vs.
   Kramer") and 1982 ("Sophie's Choice")

   Susan Sarandon (Ballet Teacher [2F14]): Best Actress, 1995 ("Dead Man
   Walking")

   Helen Hunt (Renee [5F12]): Best Actress, 1997 ("As Good As It Gets")

   Rod Steiger (Captian Teneille [3G04]): Best Actor, 1967 ("In The Heat Of
   The Night")

   Anne Bancroft (Dr. Zweig [2F08]): Best Actress, 1962 ("The Miracle Worker")

   Ernest Borgnine (Cameo [1F06]): Best Actor, 1955 ("Marty")

   Kim Basinger (Cameo [5F19]): Best Supporting Actress, 1997 ("L. A.
   Confidential")


Dale Abersold adds these names to the list:  Ringo Starr, George Harrison,
   Paul McCartney: Best Music, Original Song Score, 1971 ("Let it Be")

   Cloris Leachman: Best Supporting Actress, 1972 ("The Last Picture Show")

   Bob Hope: Honorary Awards, 1941 (plaque), 1945 (life membership in AMPAS),
   1953 (statuette), 1960 (Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award), and 1966 (gold
   medal)

   Mel Brooks: Best Writing, Story and Screenplay - Written Directly for the
   Screen, 1969 ("The Producers")

   Mickey Rooney: Juvenile Award (with Deanna Durbin), 1939; and Honorary
   Award, 1983

   Kirk Douglas: Honorary Award, 1996

   Jack Lemmon: Best Supporting Actor, 1956 ("Mister Roberts"); Best Actor,
   1974 ("Save the Tiger")


>> The truck tough enough for Hollywood pretty-boys

Benjamin Robinson on Car Watch patrol:  Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger own an
   AM General Hummer.  Based on a vehicle used by the U. S. military, the
   Hummer has been available to the general public for a few years and has
   become a status item among the rich.  (You'd have to be rich to own one;
   prices start at $70,000 and go up from there.)  The one we see here is a
   good likeness to the real thing.  The animators even remembered to include
   the amber running lights above the windshield.

   Homer's comment about not outrunning his former celeb pals in a museum is
   (probably unintentionally) funny.  Despite the beefy motor, Hummers top out
   at about 80 or 90 miles per hour, so Homer could have made his getaway in a
   Honda.  ["But certainly not in a Geo," quips {hl}.]


>> "What's 'The Gersh Agency'?"

Don Del Grande:  So far, the only "noticeable" people I've been able to link
   to the Gersh Agency are Callista Flockhart ("Ally McBeal"), Brent Spiner
   (Data on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"), and Lauren Tom (the voice of
   Amy on "Futurama" and Minh and Connie on "King of the Hill").


>> My secret shame

Many were taken aback by Homer's confession that he couldn't read.  Nathan
   DeHoff has an interesting theory to explain this shocking news:  When Homer
   said he couldn't read, he presumably just needed a secret to tell, and
   couldn't think of a real one.  (I don't know why he didn't think of his
   habit of eating flowers.)  If Homer couldn't read, how would he have
   written the movie script?  That's not even taking into account the numerous
   times we've seen Homer read in previous episodes. I just hope that the
   group isn't going to be host to several "HOMMER KANT REED!" threads in the
   future.  [Actually, the fuss quieted down considerably by the time the next
   new show aired -- Ed.]


Brian Maurer has another explanation (ellipses the author's):  Okay, guys, I'm
   too lazy to see if anyone pointed this out already, but the joke over
   homer's ability to read was soon revoked when he went into the Kwik-E-Mart
   to buy those mushroom's, clearly on a list ... also homer has reading
   glasses which he used to read books on golf and business, and even the
   newspaper ... of course what they were mocking in this episode is his
   dimwitted intelligence in that he can read, but thinks he can't, making it
   somewhat sadder.


Brad Bizzolt suggests:  [Perhaps] He was trying to act "cool" in front of the
   celebrities, and took it a little too far?  No writer, however un/familiar
   they may be with the show, would think they could pass off something as big
   as that with one of the characters.  I know when I was younger and trying
   to court some strapping young lass, I would feign ignorance on many topics
   just so she wouldn't think I was "some kind of nerd or something" (they all
   had to be damn psychics though ...). [{je} responds, "Yeah, but there was
   nothing 'cool' about the sulken look he gave after admitting he recognized
   the Gersh logo."]


>> If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem

Benjamin Robinson:  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is an
   animal-rights group that has become a cause celebre for the Hollywood in-
   crowd.  Their views are more extreme than, say, the ASPCA, and if you think
   that Lisa is a tree hugger then you don't ever want to meet a PETA member.
   Need an example?  Well, remember that Nike commercial where the football
   player dresses a chicken like Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre, chases it
   around the yard, and eats it?  PETA did not like that commercial at all,
   and assembled a nationwide media audience to decry it.  The only reason
   these folks would let someone like Homer in is if they needed target
   practice.


>> The hidden perils of stardom

Dale G. Abersold:  Funny that Homer should remark that Marge is incapable of
   "opening a movie." It was the charge that Kim Basinger *could* open a movie
   that caused her to lose a massive breach-of-verbal-contract lawsuit some
   years ago.  It seems that she had agreed verbally to appear in a film
   called "Boxing Helena," but reneged on that pledge later.  The film was
   made with another actress but tanked at the box office: after losing the
   civil case, Basinger had to pay millions to the films producers.  (The film
   was so bad, however, it was said that whatever Basinger was forced to pay
   was worth it ...)


>> They also make good doorstops

Benjamin Robinson:  The Golden Globe awards are something like a poor step-
   cousin to the more famous Academy Awards (also known as the "Oscars").
   Movie critics and movie makers seem to respect them enough to pay lip
   service to them, but the public remains indifferent.  The key indication,
   in my opinion, is the lack of live television coverage.  [This might be
   changing.  Wasn't the 1999 ceremony televised?  -- Ed.]  For the public,
   the chief importance of the Golden Globes is that they suggest who might
   clean up at the Oscars, which are awarded a month or two later.


>> "Go West, Young Man"

Darrel Jones explains:  Horace Greeley (1811-72) was a newspaper
   editor/publisher.  He founded the New York Tribune, a popular newspaper in
   the mid-19th century.  The quote above is attributed to him.  Greeley also
   supported feminism and ending slavery.  In 1872, he was the Democratic and
   Liberal Republican Parties' nominee for President of the United States.
   But Greeley's campaign was criticized for its "absurd" idealism and Greeley
   was soundly defeated by Ulysses Grant.  The defeat was such a heartbreaker
   he died a month after the election was held.  Electoral voters who were
   supposed to cast their votes for Greeley cast them for several others
   (including B. Gratz Brown of Missouri, Greeley's running mate).  Three
   Georgia electors actually did cast their vote for Greeley, but Congress
   refused to officially count these votes for a dead man.


>> "Who's Brian Grazer?"

Don Del Grande explains who:  Brian Grazer is a movie/TV producer (and
   writer), whose credits include the Ron Howard-directed "Apollo 13", and
   "Mercury Rising" (which included Alec Baldwin)


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Springfield Confidential


Jordan Eisenberg:  I was browsing through ClickTV's listings when I noticed a
   syndicated episode of The Nanny with the episode title "When You Pish Upon
   a Star," which is only about 5 or 10 pixels away from 5F19's title, and
   probably came before it. I guess The Simpsons isn't the only show that's
   able to think of these puns.


Jake Lennington suggests:  I Believe I can Pry


Tony Hill (next two items):  The jet skis seem to rent pretty cheap at Lake
   Springfield.  I've paid $60 per hour in the water.  (A little cheaper to
   rent them on a trailer; $110 a day.)

   Ray Bolger died in 1987.  [{tr} writes, "He is best know for starring in
   "The Wizard of Oz" (as the scarecrow I think)"]


Haynes Lee:  [Did you see] Ron Howard wearing a baseball cap? This is because
   in Howard Stern's words, Ron Howard's bald spot looks like a monkey's ass.
   That is why he always wears a baseball cap


Javier Vera:  Homer rotates his head 360 degrees, something obviously
   impossible for humans to do, the closest that it has been accomplished is
   by the magician David Copperfield, who in an interview rotated his hand 360
   degrees, and left it in that position!


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {jo}
==============================================================================
% Two bears, one a cross between Homer and Yogi Bear, the other a cross
% between Bart and Boo-Boo, walk through the park.

Homer:    Hey, Bart-Bart!  Looks like a beautiful day to swipe some pic-
          a-nick baskets!  [tiptoes over to a picnic table and grabs a
          basket]
Bart:     But Homi, Ranger Ned's not going to like that!
Homer:    I'll handle Ranger Ned.  After all, I'm smarter than the
          average bear!
Ned:      [pops up from behind a bush] Well, hello there Ho-diddley-
          omi.  Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over
          that pic ...
          [filled with rage, Homi the Bear jumps the bush and starts
          violently clawing Ranger Ned, ripping him apart.  They both
          scream]
Bart:     Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned.
Homer:    [yelling] You want some of this?!
          [Bart-Bart shrinks, and Homi goes back to his fit of rage]
-- Hanna-Barbera outtakes, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% With a harp-strum we're taken to Homer's bedroom where he's been
% dreaming the whole thing.  Bart and Lisa, standing over him, wake him
% up.

Homer:    Oh ... I was having the most wonderful dream.  I had a hat
          and a tie with no pants on.
Lisa:     Yeah, yeah, anyway, you promised to take us to the lake.
Homer:    I promise you kids lots of things.  That's what makes me such
          a good father!
Lisa:     Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer:    No, that would make me a great father.
Bart:     So are we going to the lake or not?
Marge:    [waking suddenly] Yes, we'll go to the darn lake!  Now go
          back to bed, it's four A.M.
          [the kids leave the room, and Homer and Marge lay their heads
          back down]
Homer:    Aw, four A.M.?  Now I'll never get back to ... [falls asleep]
          ...  [sings]  Magilla, Gorilla, Gorilla For Sale!  [as
          Magilla]  Hey!  You shouldn't have oughta taken my banana,
          Mr. Peebles.
          [Homer, still dreaming, yells and growls while mauling Mr.
          Peebles]
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% The next morning, the Simpson car pulls up behind a long line of
% traffic leading to Lake Springfield.

Marge:    Well, it looks like the lake is the place to be, heh?
Bart:     Well, if we'd left at four A.M. like I wanted to ...
          [Homer turns his head clockwise and gives Bart a "look"]
Lisa:     Dad, you really should be watching the road.
          [Homer turns his head even further, giving Lisa the same
          look]
Lenny:    [pulling his car up alongside Homer's] Hey Homer!  Enough
          traffic for you?
          [Homer turns his head still further clockwise to glare at
          Lenny, and his neck cracks loudly]
Marge:    Homer, your spine!
          [Homer's head spins back into regular position, cracking once
          more.  The other Simpsons, taken aback, stare at him with
          disbelieving eyes]
-- Someone's been watching "The Exorcist" too much, "When You Dish
   Upon a Star"

% Homer gets impatient, announces he's taking the "old Simpson
% shortcut."  Driving off the road, he calls out "So long, suckers!" and
% begins driving through a field of corn.  "Eat my dust, suckers!" he
% yells to the other drivers, and Marge admonishes him to stop calling
% everyone "suckers."
%
% While humming leisurely, he pulls an ear of corn off a stalk and
% takes a bite.  "Ew, pesticides.  [bites]  Carbomate if I'm not
% mistaken."  He takes another bite and adds, "Yep, Carbomate."  Pulling
% out of the corn and onto a road, the family drives down a picturesque
% country lane.

Marge:    Hmm, this is such a secluded area!  I wonder who lives in
          that house?
Homer:    Well, way out in the sticks like this?  It could only be
          hillbillies.
Bart:     So I suppose that's a hillbilly Jacuzzi.
Homer:    Yup, that's where they cook up their vittles.
-- No, that's the cement pond, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Driving to Lake Springfield, the Simpsons pull their car onto the
% beach.  They drive towards Ned Flanders, who is buried up to his neck
% in the sand.

Ned:      Hey, here come the Simpsons!  Now be careful, Homer, there's
          a fella in the sand right in front of you.
          [Homer parks the car directly over Ned's head; the Simpsons
          get out and begin to walk away]
Homer:    Okay, remember where we parked!
Ned:      [underneath the car] Homer?  Is that my muffler?
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Homer rents a boat from a man in a booth, who hands him a key.

Man:      There you go.  And I assume you've read the boat safety
          manual.
Homer:    Oh, yeah.  Couldn't put it down.  Come on, boy, let's get me
          a six-pack!
Man:      Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of
          alcohol.
Homer:    Oh, that sounds like a wager to me!
-- Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water

% The Simpsons, all dressed in their bathing suits and lifejackets, go
% water-skiing.  Lisa is the first up.  After running through a quick
% checklist, Homer starts the motor and the boat moves.  Almost
% immediately, Bart says, "She's down."
%
% Homer goes back for his daughter, throwing the boat into reverse.
% Lisa, sitting in the shallow water and still wearing the skis, notices
% the propeller coming right for her head.  She screams, and then dives
% under the boat as it passes by, and pops her head up  on the other
% side.
%
% Later, Homer decides to go parasailing.  Marge asks Bart how he's
% doing, who says that Homer might be a little heavy for parasailing.
% Homer, meanwhile, has barely left the water, and is calling out for
% more speed as the snapping turtles are massing.  As the boat begins to
% pick up speed,  Homer drifts over the beach, knocking over an umbrella
% and a volleyball net, as well as Apu's rendering of the Taj Mahal in
% sand.  He flies away as Apu berates him.
%
% Homer, still drifting low, sizzles his feet on a few barbecue grills,
% and sighs with relief after getting a watermelon half caught on each
% foot.  He flies over the lake once more.  Lisa tells Marge that Homer
% is signaling to go higher.  The camera pans back to Homer and, sure
% enough, he is being dragged along underwater, sticking his finger in
% the air and shouting, "Higher!  Higher!"  Finally at one with the
% breeze, Homer floats off the surface of the water.

Homer:    Bye-bye, fishies!  Higher!  Higher!!  I'm soaring ... soaring
          majestically, like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!
          Higher, Marge!  Higher!
Marge:    It won't go any ...
Homer:    Higher I say!  I want to soar higher than any man has ever
          soared!  I want to look down on the clouds with contempt!  I
          want to sneer at God's creation, and spit on his ... uh oh.
          [the motor catches on fire, and that its flames spread to the
          rope.  It breaks, and Homer begins to drift away]
Homer:    Lower!  Lower!
Bart:     There goes my turn.
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Homer, blubbering worriedly, floats away from the lake.  Losing his
% parasail in the branches of a tree, he falls and crashes through a
% skylight in a house below, and lands on a bed directly underneath.
% The alarm clock on the nightstand, displaying 11:00, goes off.

Homer:    Huh, what?  [shuts off alarm]  Oh, already?
Kim:      [lying next to Homer] Aah!  What the hell?
Homer:    Sorry, lady.  [gasps]  I know you!  You're Kim Bass-singer!
Kim:      [peeved] It's Basinger.
Homer:    Oh my God, I'm such a huge, huge, fan of yours Miss Bass-
          singer!
Kim:      Thanks.  You think you could slide over a little?
Homer:    Heh ... I am a married man.
Kim:      You're crushing my husband.
          [something underneath Homer starts to move as well as moan in
          pain]
Homer:    [pulls covers up] Billy Baldwin!
Alec:     I'm Alec Baldwin!  Could you get off me?
Homer:    [puts his arms around each] So what are you two kids doing in
          my neck of the woods?
Kim:      Well ...
Homer:    Wait!  Tell me over breakfast!  Who's for pancakes?
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  5:10]
%
% At the two celebrities' Springfield home, Homer, Kim, and Alec talk
% in the kitchen.

Alec:     Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, Mr.
          Simpson?  You had an awful lot of glass in you.
Homer:    Oh, I don't want to be a bother.  Anyway, what are you two
          big Hollywood stars doing in good old Springfield?
Kim:      Sometimes we just need to get away from Hollywood.  LA is
          just so phony.
Homer:    So why didn't you just move to, say ... Bethesda?
Alec:     Not phony enough.
Kim:      What we really like here is the privacy.  Most people don't
          even know where Springfield is.
Homer:    Yeah.  To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure!
Kim:      We're trying to keep a low profile.  We don't even go to the
          supermarket.
Alec:     Yeah, we've been living off of congratulatory muffin baskets.
          [takes a bite from one]  Bleech!  Zucchini!
Kim:      Don't just put that back in the basket.
Alec:     I'm gonna eat it later!
Homer:    You shouldn't have to survive on dry, crumbly muffins from
          ... [reads card from the muffin basket] the Gersh Agency.
          You should let me do your shopping!  I know where I can get
          you some great muffins.
Kim:      No more muffins.
Homer:    Okay, fine.  But I can do all kinds of stuff for you!  I
          noticed that skylight in your bedroom's broken.
Alec:     Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr. Simpson.
Homer:    Please ... Homer!  Come on, if you let me hang around a
          while, I can do all kinds of stuff for you!
Kim:      Well, we are down to our last roll of toilet paper.
Alec:     And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week.
Kim:      I suppose we could give it a try.
Homer:    Yeah.  You owe me that much.
Alec:     Okay, you're on.  But look, nobody knows we're in
          Springfield, and we want to keep it that way.
Kim:      Will you promise to keep our secret?
Homer:    Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine.
Alec:     Okay, what is it?
Homer:    I can't read.
Kim:      But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency.
Homer:    I recognized the logo.
-- My secret shame, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Homer, whistling, emerges from the woods and walks onto a road.  He
% runs into his family there, still in bathing suits and bare feet.
% They ask him where he's been, but Homer only gives an evasive answer.
% He walks off down the road, leaving him family staring at him blankly.
%
% Sometime later, he pulls up at the Kwik-E-Mart in Kim and Alec's
% Hummer, where he talks with Apu.

Homer:    Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I
          don't want any guff.  First of all, I'll need the following
          mushrooms:     Portobello ...
Apu:      Yes.
Homer:    Porcini ...
Apu:      Right.
Homer:    Chanterelle ...
Apu:      Uh, huh.
Homer:    ... and Shiitake.
Apu:      [cheerily] Okay, we have none of those!  What is next?
Homer:    A gallon of wheatgrass juice, a five-pound wad of tofu, some
          jellied zinc, and a couple of pairs of six-hundred dollar
          sunglasses.
Apu:      Mr. Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different
          from your usual order of beer and pork.  What gives?
Homer:    Uh, nothing, nothing, I'm just broadening my horizons, eh.
          By the way, do you have extra-wide bumper stickers for a
          HumVee?
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Soon after, Homer brings the requested supplies to Basinger and
% Baldwin.

Kim:      Wow, you got everything, Homer!  Even the Oscar polish!
          [she walks over to her Academy Award and cleans it off]
Alec:     Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest?  You're taking
          the finish off.
Kim:      When you win one, you can take care of it however you want.
Homer:    Whoo, mee-ow!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% The doorbell rings.  Homer runs to answer it.

Homer:    Yes?
Ron:      Hi, I'm ... Ron Howard.
Homer:    [starstruck] Ron Howard?!
Ron:      Yeah, I'm looking for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger?
Homer:    [again, starstruck] Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger?!
Alec:     Oh, hey, Ron, we heard you were looking for a place in
          Springfield.
Ron:      Yeah, well, it's the only town in America that'll let me fish
          with dynamite.  Uh ... what's with him?
Kim:      Oh, that's just Homer.  He's a new friend of ours.
Homer:    Really?  You giant stars consider me a friend?  Well, for the
          first time in my life I feel like I'm somebody.  Ronnie, are
          you also my close friend?
Ron:      [sniffing Homer's breath] Do I smell vodka ... and
          wheatgrass?
Homer:    It's called a lawnmower, I invented it, do you want one?
Ron:      Yeah, okay.
Kim:      And I'll have a rum and zinc.
Ron:      Ooh, I'll have one of those, too.  Hey, can I crash here
          tonight?
Homer:    Sure, we'll all stay!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% In the Simpson basement, Marge does Homer's laundry.  She makes a few
% interesting and unexpected discoveries in the pockets of Homer's
% pants.

Marge:    A cell phone?  Last Thursday's Variety?
Homer:    [walks downstairs, whistling] [gasps] I'll do that, you go
          upstairs and have a beer.
Marge:    Homer, when did you become a member of PETA?  [holds up a
          brochure]
Homer:    Well, you know me, I love animals!  Beef, chicken, veal ...
          if you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the
          problem!
Marge:    That's not what PETA sta ...
          [Marge is interrupted by the ringing of the cell phone]
Homer:    [on phone] Imagine films.  A ... uh ... division of, um,
          Homerco.
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Back at the summer house, Homer acts as Kim's trainer in the gym.  He
% sits, drinking a beer, watching her exercise with weights.

Homer:    [chanting] And lift ... and strain ... and hyper-extend!
          Keep those knees rigid!  Jerk that lower back!
Kim:      Homer, I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck.
Homer:    That's right, force it!  Whip that neck!
-- Don't try this at home, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Alec and Ron walk in with a few paper-clipped sheets of paper in
% hand.

Alec:     Um, does anybody know where this came from?
Homer:    Oh, there's that movie script I wrote!  Where did you find
          it?
Alec:     On my pillow.
Homer:    The important thing is, it's got the perfect part for you.
          Either one of you!  It's about a killer robot driving
          instructor who travels back in time for some reason.  Ron
          Howard's attached to direct!
Ron:      I am not!
Homer:    Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron:      No I didn't!
Homer:    Did too!
Ron:      I did not!
Homer:    You lie!
Alec:     Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 120 pages.  This is
          only seventeen.  And several of the pages are just drawings
          of the time machine.
          [holds up one of Homer's drawings; it appears to be a chair
          with a beach umbrella attached to the back and an alarm clock
          wired to the side]
Homer:    So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie.
Alec:     I'm sorry, Homer.
Homer:    Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too.  You're on your own,
          Potsie.
Ron:      [reading title] "The Terminizor: An Erotic Thriller"?
-- Sounds like a blockbuster to me, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% In his bar, Moe relates to Barney, Carl, Lenny, and Homer his latest
% encounter with a celebrity.  Moe was buying cotton balls (the
% absorbent kind) when he spotted Kent Brockman, the Channel Six news
% anchor in the ointment aisle.  The patrons all babble excitedly,
% except for Homer.

Homer:    [blows a raspberry] Kent Brockman, please!
Moe:      Oh, what, I suppose you've seen a bigger star.
Homer:    I might have ...
Lenny:    Come on, make with the name.
Homer:    Oh, I can't.  I promised I wouldn't.
Moe:      Aw, yeah, right, you ain't seen nobody.
          [the others in the bar begin laughing at Homer, who imagines
          his new friends pleading with him not to reveal their secret]
Kim:      Please don't tell anyone we're here.
Alec:     You've got to keep our secret, Homer.
Ron:      Homer, we're out of vodka.
--The lawnmower is a success, "When You Dish Upon A Star"

% But the celebrity pleas are interrupted by a vision of a gray-haired
% man, dressed in 19th Century fashions.

Gray-Haired Man: Tell the people, Homer.  They have the right to know
                 ... about the celebrities' summer house.
Homer:           Who the hell are you?
Gray-Haired Man: What do you care?  I'm telling you what you want to
                 hear.
                 [Homer turns to his bar buddies]
Homer:           All right.  I'm going to let you guys in on something.
                 But you've got to keep it much more secret than I did.
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% At the celebrity's home, Kim and Alec play Homer and Ron at
% badminton.  Kim scores one past Ron.

Kim:      Yes!  In your freckled face, Howard!
Homer:    [muttering] Unbelievable.
Ron:      What?!
Homer:    Nothing, nothing.  Good hustle!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% The four all walk over to a small glass table for a glass of pink
% lemonade.  However, Ron makes a startling discovery: the lemonade
% inside the glasses is rippling by itself ...
%
% "Uh, oh," Homer says, turning around to look out the front gate.  He
% sees a mob of people coming over the hill, as well as two helicopters
% in the air.  Kim ushers them inside, while Alec gathers the badminton
% net and panics after being unable to find the shuttlecock.  Meanwhile,
% at the front gate, various townspeople arrive and shout to the celebs;
% Ron, Alec, Kim, and Homer stare from the windows alongside the front
% door.

McAllister:      Arr, I loved "Splash", Mr. Howard!  It was totally ...
                 eh ...  [lost for words]  Arr!
Smithers:        Miss Basinger!  Those red pumps you wore in "LA
                 Confidential" were fabulous!  Where can I get a pair
                 for my, uh, mother?  She wears a 12 Double "E"!
Comic Book Guy:  Alec!  Alec!  Regarding that so-called "silent
                 propulsion system" in "The Hunt For Red October."  I
                 printed out a list of technical errors which I think
                 you'd enjoy discussing!
-- And you wonder why movie stars don't want to talk to you, "When You
   Dish Upon a Star"

% Back inside the house, Homer goes on the defensive.

Alec:     Somebody must have told them we live here!
Homer:    [to Ron] I'm looking at you, Horshack!
Kim:      Homer, how could you?
Homer:    Okay, okay, it was me.  I'm sorry I blew your secret!  But
          you don't know what it's like to be a nobody!  I just wanted
          to bask in your reflected glory!  Reflected glory!!
Kim:      Homer ... you betrayed our confidence.  I just don't think we
          can be friends anymore.
Homer:    But ... where will I bask?
Alec:     Anywhere but here.
Homer:    [puts his hand on Ron's shoulder] Come on, Ron.  We're not
          wanted here.  [Ron removes Homer's hand]  All right, I'll go.
          But the next time you want someone to remind you which
          brother is which, or smell your hair while you're sleeping,
          just remember ... old Homer won't be here anymore!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Homer walks out the house and towards the mob gathered outside.  The
% mob looks to see who is heading out, and soon determine that it's
% nobody famous.  The crowd throws a blizzard of stones at him, but
% Homer, saddened at having lost his new friendships, is too sad to
% care.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time:  13:29]
%
% The Simpsons eat dinner in the dining room.

Homer:    Oh ... how could Alec and Kim just cut me out of their lives?
Marge:    Homey, you haven't touched your food.
Homer:    [takes a bite] Well, when Kim makes a Manwich, she uses
          focaccia bread.  And would it kill you to put some fennel in
          it?
Bart:     Alec Baldwin?  Wow!  That is the coolest person you've ever
          been  fired by.  What was it like at their house?
Homer:    Oh, it was so great.  I didn't have to fake it with them.  I
          was actually excited to hear about their day.
Lisa:     I washed the dog today.
Homer:    Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?
Lisa:     Of course not!
Homer:    Oh ... our dog isn't famous, and you kids aren't exactly John
          and Joan Cusack!  [to Marge]  And you!  You couldn't open a
          movie if your life depended on it!  I'm about ready to ankle
          this family.
Marge:    Ankle?  Focaccia?  What are you talking about?
Homer:    See?  It's like we don't even speak the same language
          anymore.  The only one who understands me is that guy who
          married Martha Raye.
Lisa:     Don't blame us, Dad.  The celebrities are the ones who canned
          you.
Homer:    Hmm, she may not be famous, but she's right.  Those big shot
          stars used me up and spit me out!  I did their laundry, got
          their pictures developed, took their garbage to the dump!
          And I still got a car full of their crap!
          [thinking]  Crap, eh?
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Outside the celebrity summer home, a gathering remains; some have
% even put tents up.  Kirk van Houten and Milhouse pass Moe, who is
% watching the house with binoculars.  Kirk makes the mistake of asking
% Moe how he can see the movie stars.  Moe advises him to hop over the
% fence.  Kirk attempts to climb the front gates, but gets shocked and
% hits the ground.  Moe chuckles.  "I never get tired of that," he says.
%
% Suddenly, Homer pulls up to the crowd in an RV draped with a sign
% that reads "Homer's Museum of Hollywood Jerks".  He says "Attention,
% starstruck fools!" through a megaphone, and walks outside.  "Step
% right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection of Alec and
% Ron and Kim-orabilia," he continues.  The crowd takes the bait, and
% Homer collects his money from the first to rush forward.
%
% Inside, the fans explore the RV museum.

Wiggum:   Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's Medic Alert bracelet!
Homer:    That's right, Mr. Tough Guy can't handle a little penicillin!
          Oh, and look at this!  We can't even pay our bills, and
          they're drinking [mockingly] "Royal Crown Cola".
Carl:     Hey, hey, go easy on the celebrities, eh?
Krusty:   Yeah, what gives you the right?
Barney:   We love celebrities!
Homer:    Oh yeah?  What have they ever done for you?  When was the
          last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage?  And
          when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?  I'll
          tell ya!  Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Inside Kim and Alec's, the couple packs up their things.  Kim finds a
% picture of herself, Alec, and Homer dressed in clothes from the Old
% West.

Kim:      Oh, look.  Wasn't that a fun weekend?
Alec:     Yeah.  Homer was a pretty good guy.  And we just tossed him
          out like a Golden Globe award.  I've got to admit, I miss the
          way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead.
Kim:      Forehead?
Alec:     Aw, maybe I should've made his movie.
Kim:      Yeah, it wasn't that bad.  I mean the script might even work
          if you got rid of the talking pie.
Alec:     What, are you crazy?  It's a buddy picture.  Without the pie,
          it would just be me on screen for two hours.
Kim:      Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that.
Ron:      No, no, no, you can't lose the pie!  The pie's your heart.
Kim:      Okay, okay, keep the damn pie.  The point is, we weren't fair
          to Homer.  He screwed up, but he deserves another chance.
Alec:     Yeah, everyone makes mistakes.  I mean, we'd want another
          chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right?
          [the three of them sit in conspicuous silence]
-- Uh, right, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Outside the summer home, Kim, Alec, and Ron get into their car.  Kim,
% in the driver's seat, pushes the remote control for the gate.  It
% opens.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again.  He always has the
most interesting odors.
-- Kim Basinger, "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Homer, standing in the middle of the street outside, surrounded by a
% few of the people gathered outside, is holding one of Kim's bras over
% his shirt and mocking her.  The celebrities stare in disbelief.  When
% Homer notices the celebrities staring down at him, he hurriedly
% thanks everyone for supporting the museum of Hollywood jerks, runs
% inside the RV and drives away.

Kim:      Let's get him.
Alec:     And this time ... it's personal.  [Alec and Ron look at him]
          What?  It *is* personal.  He's got our underpants!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% While driving the secluded road, Homer checks his mirror and sees the
% stars' vehicle behind him.

Homer:    I'll never outrun them in a museum!
Alec:     [driving alongside him] Pull over, you maniac!
Homer:    No!
Kim:      Just jump over there, Alec, it's not that far!
Ron:      Yeah, you're a big-screen tough guy.
Alec:     Gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.
Ron:      [makes "chicken" noises]
Alec:     Fine!
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Alec makes the jump, them climbs onto the roof of the RV; Homer
% screams and rolls up his window.
%
% Alec congratulates himself for making the jump, until a passing
% branch collides with his head, knocking him backwards.  Just before he
% falls off the roof, however, his watch is snagged on a bar on the roof
% of the trailer.  He dangles behind.

Kim:      Oh, for the love of ... hold on!  [to Ron]  Can you drive?
Ron:      Not well.  But I'll give it a shot.
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Kim stands up and prepares to jump over to Homer's vehicle.  Leaping,
% she lands on the roof, but falls off when Homer panics and begins to
% swerve.  Luckily, she manages to grab the driver's side rear-view
% mirror, to which she hangs on for dear life.  Meanwhile, Alec's
% watchband snaps, sending him off the back; he grabs onto the spare
% tire and dangles just barely above the road.  "I guess it's up to me,"
% Ron says, and prepares to jump.  Readying himself, he leaps from the
% side and immediately plunges to the road.  Alec and Kim, still hanging
% on, look back and shout his name.
%
% Kim knocks on the window and tells Homer he killed Ron Howard.  This
% finally convinces him to stop.
%
% Much later, Homer and the stars sit in court; Ron has his head
% bandaged and has his arm in a sling, but is otherwise okay.

Judge:    Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself?
Homer:    Yes, I do.  I believe that famous people have a debt to
          everyone.  If celebrities didn't want people pawing through
          their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have
          tried to express themselves creatively.
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% Alec, Marge, and Lisa put their hands in their faces at this, while
% Ron shakes his head and Kim holds her hands out and looks skyward.

Homer:    In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you
          for life!  And when you're dead, you'll all be in
          commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.  Thank you, your
          honor.
Judge:    Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles of
          any celebrity, living or dead.  [bangs gavel]
          [Kim, Alec, and Ron shout "woo-hoo", and throw their hands
          up]
Homer:    Well, I'll always have my crank calls.  [dials a cell phone]
          Hello, old lady from Titanic?  You stink!  [giggles]
-- "When You Dish Upon a Star"

% One month later, at the 20th Century Fox Film Studios, Ron Howard
% pitches a movie to a film executive, who sits at his desk.

Ron:           [emotionally] And it grows, to a powerful, emotional
               climax when the father has to choose which one of his
               children will live ... and which one ... will die.
Executive:     Pass.
               [Ron lets out a sigh]
               What else you got?
Ron:           Well, well, there is this one thing.  It's about a
               killer robot driving instructor that travels back in
               time for some reason.
Executive:     I'm listening.
Ron:           Okay, okay, well, you see ... this robot, he's got a
               heartbreaking decision to make about whether his best
               friend lives ... or dies.
Executive:     Eh.
Ron:           His best friend's a talking pie!
Executive:     Sold!  Howard, you've done it again!
               [he hands Ron two large bags of money; Ron holds them up
               and smiles, as the closing line from the "Happy Days"
               theme plays]
-- "The Terminizor," coming soon to a theater near you, "When You Dish
   Upon a Star"

% [End of Act Three.  Time:  20:27]
%
% Normal closing credits, except instead of the Gracie shush, we hear,
% Ron saying, "Homer, we're out of vodka."

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ad}  Anthony Dean
{av}  Aaron Veenstra
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{brk} Brian Rawson-Ketchum
{ck}  Christian Kammerer
{cl}  Chad Lehman
{cmj} Christopher Michael Jones
{cr}  Cole Rieger
{ct}  Chris Terry
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{js}  J Smith
{jv}  Javier Vera
{lg}  Larry Guzman
{mp}  Michael Parks
{ms}  Mike Smith
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{pm}  Patrick McGovern
{pmg} Patrick M. Geahan
{th}  Tony Hill
{tr}  Tom Rinschler

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 The Simpsons Archive.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1998 John Ogan.  This capsule has been brought
to you by the Springfield Hummer Dealers' Association.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Frederic Briere, who provided me with alt.tv.simpsons archives
when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as complete without their
invaluable help.