Wild Barts Can't Be Broken                              Written by Larry Doyle
                                                        Directed by Mark Ervin
==============================================================================
Production code: AABF07                   Original Airdate on FOX: 17-Jan-1999
Capsule revision B (10-May-1999)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   (Canadian) Chief Wiggum imposes a curfew on Springfield's youth.  {hl}

   (foxworld.com PR release) Cyndi Lauper Makes A Special Guest Voice
   Appearance After a night of havoc begets vandalism, Chief Wiggum falsely
   accuses Springfield's young residents and imposes a curfew on the "punk"
   kids, unleashing a hidden source of creativity and some of Springfield's
   secrets, on THE SIMPSONS episode "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken" Sunday, Jan.,
   17 (8:00-8:30 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (SI-1007) (TV-PG; L)

   Voice Cast: Dan Castelleneta as Homer Simpson, Julie Kavner as Marge
   Simpson, Nancy Cartwright as Bart Simpson, Yeardley Smith as Lisa Simpson,
   Hank Azaria as Chief Wiggum and Harry Shearer as Kent Brockman. Guest Cast:
   Cynid Lauper as herself, Marcia Wallace as Mrs. Krabappel, Pamela Hayden as
   Milhouse, Maggie Roswell as Luanne Van Houten, Tress MacNeille as Nelson's
   mother and Russi Taylor as Martin.  {js}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     SHERRI DOES NOT "GOT BACK"

Couch:          The family wears cowboy hats and rides on the couch,
                sidesaddle.  Beneath them, a trapdoor in the floor opens and
                the couch falls through.  The camera looks through the door,
                and we see the family falling towards a city far below, like
                Slim Pickens riding the bomb in "Dr. Strangelove."

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Mrs. Skinner is still seeing Chalmers, and Principal Skinner is still
       dating Mrs. Krabappel?
   ... neither couple object to the others' dating, as they have in the past?
   ... the "Can I come, too" lady from the retirement castle at end?  [{gw}
       says she's the one spinning in her wheelchair]

Dale G. Abersold:
   ... the pitcher (who got injured after the first pitch) bore a striking
       resemblance to Rollie Fingers?
   ... Babe Ruth IV looked more like Otis Nixon than Babe Ruth?

Will Barnhill:
   ... Chief Wiggum didn't look at the picture on the ID Nelson handed him?
   ... Nelson seems to have lost the ID?
   ... Nelson has a strong kick?
   ... the police, which is made up of people under seventy, seems to uphold
       the 70-and-under curfew?
   ... Lewis is the one who revealed everyone?

Ben Collins:
   ... Homer says "Woo-Hoo" in the couch gag?
   ... the guy in "The Bloodening" who "hope[s] that's shepherd's pie in [his]
       knickers" looks a lot like Principal Skinner?
   ... Allison Taylor appears in the background again?  (if only they could
       get Winona Ryder...)

Don Del Grande:
   ... Homer's version of what happened was "An Ethanol Picture"?
   ... despite being over 18, Kearny was subject to the curfew?
   ... Wendell, Janey, and Allison aren't punished?
   ... nobody bothers to ask who's running the Kwik-E-Mart if Apu and Sanjay
       are both subject to curfew?

Yuri Dieujuste:
   ... the background of the Jumbo-vision screen is black when the singer was
       on the screen?
   ... Marge says "What the dilly-yo"?
   ... the use of hip-hop slang in tonight's episode?

Henry Edouard:
   ... Professor Frink's laughable revolver that has nothing but Christmas
       tree lights

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... in the couch gag, everyone but Maggie takes his/her hat off?
   ... Moe gives Homer a beer, even though he didn't ask for one?
   ... you can see Barney steal the keg of beer before he opens it?
   ... Carl, Lenny, Barney and Homer pass Miss Hoover's class billboard, and
       one of the pictures depicts Ralph Wiggum's family?  The father is in a
       police uniform, but there are two kids.  (Maybe Ralph has a brother or
       sister!)
   ... judging from the direction Homer's trashed car is facing, he drove
       through the Flanderseses' yard too?
   ... OFF eats pancakes for breakfast?
   ... Kearney isn't with the rest of his buddies?
   ... Chief Wiggum is holding a coffee cup, just like in the sign?
   ... Lisa is right: there is indeed a full moon that night?
   ... Luanne and Pyro (or is that Gyro?) making out in the drive-in?

Jeremy Gallen:
   ... this is the first time we get to see Nelson's mother (or hear her talk,
       at least)?
   ... Lisa actually wants to rebel against the curfew?
   ... ditto Martin?

Curtis Gibby:
   ... the "D" the title screen for "The Bloodening" looks like an "o", making
       the title look like it ends in "oening"?  (As in, "Matt Gr-oening")

Joe Green:
   ... the Asian man in the baseball uniform at Moe's?
   ... the cop laughing after Wiggum sees the arrested kids' eyes glowing?
   ... the red Suburban from the drive-in shows up again in the chase scene?

John Isles IV:
   ... Wiggum actually had fingernails?  (This is the first time that anyone
       has had fingernails?)

Darrel Jones:
   ... this is the first episode since "Lisa Gets an A" NOT to reuse a Season
       Nine couch scene?
   ... Homer's foam "#1" actually looks reasonably sized?
   ... Martin uncharacteristically broke curfew?
   ... Marge uses the pill?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the boy's room has a shower?
   ... Milhouse dressed like Alfalfa when they build a radio transmitter?

Haynes Lee:
   ... license plate at drive-in said "GYRO" which meant Lulu made some steam
       with Pyro's friend?
   ... Springfield now has two quacks?

Tyler McHenry:
   ... the bad voice-mouth coordination when Wiggum says "Kids never learn!"?
   ... Lisa never bothered to sabotage the TV?
   ... nobody can recognize Bart with his ultra-phony British accent?

Mark A. Richey:
   ... Cyndi Lauper is wearing an Isotope cap?
   ... Barney knocks Kent out the door with the stream of beer?
   ... Homer drives past Ms. Hoover's class display?
   ... the trophy case had at least one trophy in it?
   ... the woman on "Don't Go There" is filing her nails?
   ... Luanne slinks down in her seat while Pyro and Gyro are fighting?
   ... the Hibberts arrive at the billboard by motorcycles?
   ... Jimbo and Kearney skateboard behind OFF's car?
   ... Snowball II jumps out of Moe's bag?
   ... Milhouse races to Luanne after Abe and Jasper drop him?

Tom Rinschler:
   ... Homer's car sucks pictures off a bulletin board designed by Miss
       Hoover's class?
   ... the clock in the village in "The Bloodening" reads 8:05?
   ... the dartboard behind Wiggum when he is arrested?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Marge seems to be having second thoughts about the marriage?
   ... Martin clutches a change purse while waiting for the ice cream truck?
   ... if you listen closely, you can hear Homer say "D'oh!" after Lisa tells
       about Homer's lack of a medical license?

Samuel Sklaroff:
   ... Marge says the Isotopes lost by 2 "points", not the proper term,
       "runs"?
   ... the guy who actually says "Don't go there" looks like Roy?

Mike Smith:
   ... it's the first all-new episode directed by Mark Ervin?  (His previous
       episode [5F24] have been blasted by many as the worst ever, since the
       ending of that episode explained for itself)
   ... it's the first episode since 5F09 to have a musical number?
   ... there are two "Fantasia" "Pastorial" versions in the same episode (one
       while by the kids, and the elderlies at the end)?
   ... "The Bloodening" is made in 1959, and released in 1999?
   ... Sony Tristar is inside joke of the studio that "The Simpsons'" voices
       were recorded (Namely, Sony Pictures Studios, in Culver City)?

Gary Wilson:
   ... Barney actually wastes beer?  (throws it when the Isotopes win)
   ... Homer isn't an Isotopes fan at first, even though he was their mascot
       in Dancin' Homer?
   ... Homer can change in to Isotopes clothes in less than a second, and gets
       the clothes from no where?  (I know this was a joke)
   ... the Native American Ice Cream (formerly Big Chief Crazy Cone) truck is
       back?
   ... [this episode] takes place in the summer (fire flies)?
   ... Dr. Hibbert may not have a medical license?  (looks guilty when
       mentioned)
   ... Hans Moleman is breaking the curfew?  (He is only 34 years old as
       stated in Duffless)

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Krusty, Grampa)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders, Nelson, Ralph, Lewis
        [?])
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Carl, Moe, Chief Wiggum, "After dark" announcer, Box-office
        clerk, Chalmers, Pyro, Prof. Frink, Kirk van Houten, Yiddisha Guy)
   - Harry Shearer (Dennis Conroy, Lenny, Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner,
        Lou, "Bloodening" announcer, Eddie, Otto, Dr. Hibbert, Rev. Lovejoy,
        Jasper)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Cyndi Lauper (Her lovely self)
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse)
   - Tress MacNeille (Nelson's Mom)
   - Maggie Roswell (Girl, "Lies!" [?])
   - Russi Taylor (Martin)
   - Karl Weidergott (Man with pitchfork, Boy #1 [?], Boy #2 [?], Constable,
        "how dare you!"?)
   - Franklin D. Roosevelt (Himself [uncredited]  {dga})

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken"
      - similar episode title

   - "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot
      - Bart's blackboard punishment refers to this song

   + "Dr. Strangelove"
      - family rides an atom bomb to its target, like the Slim Pickens
        character in the movie
      - [Since it's in a couch gag, we're likely to see it again later in the
        season.  This is the last time I'll cite the reference, however --
        Ed.]

   + "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
      - Cyndi Lauper sings "The Star-Spangled Banner" to this tune
      - And, she was dressed the same as in the video  {al}

   - Beanie Baby promotion nights  {mar}
      - the clearing out of the ballpark reminded me somewhat of people who
        bought tickets to baseball games just to get the annoying little toys,
        and then left, skipping the game
      - [I think this reference can also work for any other toy promotion --
        Ed.]

   + Jumbotron and Diamond Vision  {ddg}
      - Jumbo-Vision ultra-large-screen TV named for these two real-life
        versions

   + Babe Ruth
      - according to legend, hit a home run for dying little boy

   - "Two Minute Warning"  {hl}
      - this movie is about a sniper at football game; Moe mentions a sniper
        at the All-Star baseball game

   + "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"  {tr}
      - Kent Brockman quotes this song when he says "root, root, root for the
        home team"

   + Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" routine  {cg}
      - while tearing about the elementary school playground, Carl shouts,
        "Who's on first," the signature line from this routine

   - "Sunnyside"  {al}
      - "Homer's Night Out" segment where Homer was frolicking with the nymphs
        was very similar to this Charlie Chaplin film

   - "closer" video by Nine Inch Nails  {gw}
      - "SCENE MISSING" in silent film

   + "Achtung, Baby!" by U2
      - Chief Wiggum shouts, "Achtung, babies!"
      - [Todd Emerson says this is borrowed from Mel Brooks' "The Producers."
        See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.]

   + Life, the board game
      - graphics on "The Game of Lent" similar  {tr}
      - the Hippo Game had a "Life"-sque wheel  {ag}

   ~ Rent  {ag}
      - the Game of Lent had a similar logo

   ~ Hungry Hungry Hippos  {ag}
      - Hippo in the House similar

   - "1984", by George Orwell
      - Wiggum's "Cops Never Sleep" billboard is reminiscent of the "Big
        Brother Is Watching You" signs

   + "Friends"  {dj}
      - "Don't Go There" parodies the style
      - both set (partly) in a funky urban coffeehouse  {bjr}

   + "Village of the Damned"
      - "The Bloodening" a spoof if this horror film [See "Comments" section
        for more]
      - kids in film (and in paddy wagon) have glowing blue eyes  {tld}

   ~ "Animaniacs!"  {je}
      - the film was so horrifying it was buried underground to this day, when
        it was finally uncovered and given a chance; a similar fate befell the
        Animaniacs' cartoons

   - "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" (movie)  {tld}
      - kids sneak out at night to see horror film

   + "Macabre" and "The Screaming Skull"  {jk}
      - featured Life Insurance in Case of Death Through Fright

   + Rice Krispies ad campaign
      - reviewing "Talk to the Hand," Tom Shales says the writing "snaps,
        crackles, and pops"

   - "Radio America"  {hl}
      - movie about teenagers running pirate radio station may have inspired
        the kids' revenge

   - "Pump Up the Volume"  {eac}
      - the hidden broadcast premise, complete with parent-teacher meeting

   + "Our Gang"
      - kids gather makeshift supplies for zany scheme
      - kids walk through hole in the fence
      - Milhouse ([?] -- too lazy to go look) has cowlick from Hades, like
        Alfalfa
      - Petey the dog trails them
      - "Our Gang"-style music heard

   ~ "Do the Right Thing"  {jr}
      - Otto's boom box similar to Radio Rakhem's

   + "American Gladiators"
      - Pyro and Gyro fight with the pugil-sticks, like on the show

   + "Bye Bye Birdie"
      - a version of "What's the Matter With Kids Today?" is sung at the
        climax

   - "Hogan's Heroes"  {hl}
      - Bart likens adults to Colonel Klink is the "luvvable" German
        commandant from "Hogan's Heroes"

   + "Twilight Zone" episode "Kick the Can"  {jg2}
      - "liberated" old people play kick-the-can at the end

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Skinner and Krabappel dating  {je}
   - [4F09] First start dating
   - [4F23] Armin Tamzarian says goodbye to Edna
   - [5F05] Edna tries to seduce Skinner in his office
   - [5F07] At the Simpson home
   - [5F12] Dancing on the police cruise
   - [5F14] Skinner refuses to file their taxes jointly
   - [5F17] Next to each other on a roller coaster
   - [5F18] Golfing at Sir Putts-a-Lot
   - [5F19] At the Basinger/Baldwin home
   - [5F19] At the beach
   - [AABF05] At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con
   - [AABF06] Edna mentions rubbing syrup on her lover's stomach
   - [AABF07] Eating at Edna's apartment
   - [AABF07] In the crowd while "Kids!" is sung
   - [AABF07] Go to a drive-in together

- Luanne and Pyro  {je}
   - [4F04] First meet
   - [4F23] At Principal Skinner's 20th anniversary
   - [5F12] Dancing at Stu's Disco
   - [AABF03] Luanne gives Kirk a strange look

- Sideshow Mel bursting out of his seat -
   - [5F01] "Whatever did you do, Moe?"
   - [5F18] "Look at that blimp!  And he's hanging from a balloon!"
   - [AABF06] "All of theeeem?"

- [7G10] Homer's flashback scene is titled "Homer's Night Out," just like this
         episode  {je}
- [7F05] Isotopes win a game  {ms}
- [7F05] "Star Spangled Banner" variation  {ms}
- [7F09] Beethoven's 6th heard as children (and later, seniors) play outside
         {ms}
- [7F20] Homers inaccurate memory of being drunk  {gw}
- [7F20] Homer sings "We Are the Champions," by Queen  {gw}
- [7F23] "Bye Bye Birdie" referenced  {ss}
- [8F05], [1F08], [1F09], [3F08] "Dr. Strangelove" is referenced  {ss}
- [8F12], [9F19], [3F09] Vin Scully soundalike announcer  {mr}
- [8F15] Skinner's Puma trophy shown  {gw}
- [8F24] Bart leads an insurrection at Kamp Krusty  {hl}
- [9F03] Elaborate moving billboard seen  {gw}
- [9F03] Native American Ice Cream (formerly Big Chief Crazy Cone) truck makes
         its rounds  {gw}
- [9F03] the animated billboard of Wiggum (cf. Itchy & Scratchy Movie board)
         {jg2}
- [9F03], [9F11], [9F13], [2F31], [3F05], [AABF05] Franklin D. Roosevelt
         involved  {tmh}
- [9F10] Homer sticks his head out the window like a dog  {je}
- [9F14], [4F08] Same baseball announcer (also mentioned in 9F19)  {je}
- [9F16], [1F16] Homer has strange habit involving eating strange objects (cf.
         Guest soap in [9F16], flowers in [1F16]  {gw}
- [1F09] Family member rides nuclear bomb to its target
- [1F16] "Let's All Go the Lobby" is sung before a movie  {dj}
- [1F17], [4F23], [5F20] Alison Taylor appears  {ss}
- [1F21] Someone reacts to the Gracie Films "Sh!"  {ss}
- [2F22] Bart leads an expedition into Shelbyville  {hl}
- [2F31], [5F17] Wiggum's cross-dressing  {ss}
- [3F03], [3F15] Springfield Drive-in seen  {ss}
- [3F12] Chalmers goes out with Agnes Skinner  {dj}
- [3F16], [4F22] Silent movies lampooned  {je}
- [3F17], [3F20] A fake ID used  {gw}
- [3F24] Couch gag similar  {ag}
- [4F01] Nelson moons Skinner  {ss}
- [4F04] Pyro appears  {jg2}
- [4F05] Grampa hopes it's only a pie that he sat in  {je}
- [4F11] Moe mentions suicide  {hl}
- [4F22] Drunk rowdy people get into trouble with Homer's car  {gw}
- [4F22] Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl ride in Homer's car from Moe's  {dj}
- [4F24], [5F15] Lunch Lady Doris appears, but doesn't speak  {je}
- [5F03], [5F24] Reaction to "Shhh!"  Lady  {tmh}
- [5F04] Luanne dates someone other than Pyro (since her divorce, anyway)
         {je}
- [5F08] Bart and Homer work as carnies  {hl}
- [5F15] Last appearance of Lunch Lady Doris  {dj}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Sign under Moe's TV  {bjr}

    5 DRINK
    MINIMUM
    TO LOOK
    UP HERE

- Title cards from Homer's imagined movie  {bjr}

     HOMER'S     "Hmm ... perhaps         THE END
    NIGHT OUT       I'll wet my
                      whistle."      An Ethanol Picture

- Anti-crime billboard  {bjr}

    [Wiggum      ]  WE'RE
    [drinking    ] WATCHING
    [coffee      ] YOU KIDS
    [(moving arm)]
                    COPS NEVER SLEEP

- Waiting for the ice cream truck  {mar}
   - Janey, Milhouse, Sheri, Nelson, Terri, Alison, Lewis, and Martin (holding
     a change purse)

- At the drive-in  {mar}
   - Bart, Lisa, Nelson, Milhouse, Janey, Lewis, Allison, Luanne {hl} and Gyro
     {hl}

- People in the town hall  {je}
   - Mr. Burns, Smithers, Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel, Ned and Maude
     Flanders, Agnes Skinner, Apu, Patty, Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Otto, Tim &
     Helen Lovejoy, Sideshow Mel, Kent Brockman, Luanne Van Houten, Pyro, Gyro

- Adults at the billboard  {mar}
   - Ned, Ms. Hoover, Skinner, Edna, Hibbert, Wiggum, Homer, Doris, Ruth,
     Kirk, Herman, Lenny, Burns, Smithers, Quimby, Kent, Rev. Lovejoy,
     Chalmers, Moe, Krusty, Carl, Willy, Helen, Marge, Abe, Jasper, Hans

- Kids at the billboard  {mar}
   - Martin, Lisa, Bart, Nelson, Milhouse, Dolph, Kerney, Allison, Lewis,
     Sheri, Terri, Ralph, Rod & Todd (w/adults), Maggie (w/Marge), Wendell
     {ak}, Richard {ak}, and Janey  {ak}

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
=  The Jumbotron would show what is around Cyndi Lauper, not just her.  {mar}

=  The "Jumbo-Vision" logo is missing from the giant screen when Cyndi Lauper
   is on it.  {ddg}

c  Homer's "Hitler is a jerk" comments were not captioned.  {mar}

*  Minor league teams usually wrap up in early September, after playing for
   less than six months.  {mar}

*  When Homer enters Moe's, it's at night, but the baseball game they're
   watching is a day game -- and since Springfield wins while batting, it must
   be a home game.  {ddg}

*  Homer sprays a red fire extinguisher, and his car fills with water (or is
   it foam?).  Red fire extinguishers use dry chemicals that sap oxygen from a
   fire, and foam is only used by fire departments.  Metal-colored fire
   extinguishers use water, which is useless in putting out grease or
   electrical fires.  [Sonia and John Ferguson claim that red extinguishers
   can indeed hold water -- Ed.]  {bc}

=  Part of Lenny's torso disappears during his singing with Homer, Barney and
   Carl in the Springfield Elementary Boys' Locker Room.  {ol}

=  The wire to Kent Brockman's microphone disappears when he's talking to
   Homer.  {je}

=  Homer is wearing a wristband in Moe's, but it disappears for a few frames.
   {je}

=  Homer throws his Isotopes hat on the floor, but he's wearing it a moment
   later (and he's wearing it backwards!).  {je}

*  Surely the police would do *some* investigation of the school to see who
   *really* sabotaged it.  {jg}

*  How could Wiggum pass the curfew into law without the approval of the City
   Council (or whatever equivalent Springfield has)?  {jg2}

*  In most areas, it's illegal to imprison children under 12 (they're wearing
   orange prison garb while cleaning Chief Wiggum's billboard).  It's even
   MORE illegal to shoot them <g>.  {bc}

*  If the sun goes down at 5:30, why is an ice cream truck out?  {mar}

=  Milhouse, Janey, et al were standing on the corner where Wiggum turned.
   However, Milhouse, Janey et al were standing where Rod and Todd ran into
   the house, with no corner in sight.  {mar}

=  When Homer runs out the front door, he doesn't touch the door, but it shuts
   anyway.  {je}

c  When asked if she wants to fly the kite, Lisa says "M'eh," but the closed
   captions say "Nah."  {je}

+  Although she likes the violent "Itchy & Scratchy," Lisa isn't really gung-
   ho about "real" horror movies.  Remember how scared she was in "Colonel
   Homer (8F19)"?  [Aside:  {bjr} notes he actress who plays Lisa, Yeardley
   Smith, isn't so crazy about horror flicks herself.  {tld} says this didn't
   stop her from playing a bride in Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive."]
   {bjr}

*  Where did Bart get the bowling ball?  {ss}

*  The Teletubbies aren't on during prime time.  [And aren't we all grateful
   for that? -- Ed.]  {tmh}

*  How did the kids hear the movie dialog without one of those door-mounted
   speakers?  {bjr}

*  The kids' eyes are blue in a monochrome movie.  [This could be spot-
   coloring, however -- Ed.]  {tmh}

*  It's unlikely that a movie theater would allow the film to be stopped just
   to nab a few curfew violators.  {mar}

=  The cathedral radio sprouts a grille on its back panel after Bart discloses
   Homer's secret.  {bjr}

=  Lisa gets her pad and pencil out of nowhere.  {je}

c  When Skinner sees Nelson mooning him, we hear nothing, but the captions
   read "moon alert."  [{mar} reports the caption is, "Moon alert!  This is
   not a drill!" -- Ed.]  {je}

*  Radio signals are never sent using a parabolic antenna, since parabolae are
   intended to reflect in a line of sight pattern.  {ag}

+  Wiggum tried to impose curfew on Jimbo and Dolph.  So why were they among
   the adults chasing the kids?  {dj}

=  Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson suddenly went from the top of the
   billboard to the ground.  {mar}

=  The children magically change into their "regular" clothes while cleaning
   the billboard.  {bc}

+  Rod and Todd run home crying when Wiggum clears the street, but by the end
   they seem to support the curfew.  [{ag} says, "Ned prob'ly got to them."]
   {jg2}

=  Dr. Hibbert's white coat appears and disappears during the song.  {mar}

=  Marge's hair is pink after the song.  [Looked purple to me -- Ed.]  {tmh}

c  Marge says to Homer "You really should have voted," but the captions read
   "_We_ really should have voted."

+  Hans Moleman (age 31, or 34, or 35) is playing after dark.  {tmh}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
C. Armour-Kidson:  Mercy!  I realize I'll be somewhat out of synch with the
   rest of you when I say this but I really loved "Wild Barts Can't Be
   Broken".  I loved the song at the end, I loved the drunken rampage scene
   and most of all, I nearly died laughing at "Homer's Night Out".  The piano
   playing and selective Homer-esque selective drunken memory was absolutely
   classic.  Not since Homer's makeup gun have I nearly suffered 4 consecutive
   cardiac arrests watching something on TV.  (A+)

Ben Collins:  This episode isn't so much bad as it is not what it could be.
   It starts off with a good premise: a slam on curfews, one of THE most
   overrated law enforcement measures today.  But the potentially hilarious
   social commentary gets lost in an over-the-top "Only in Springfield" story,
   coupled with obvious setup dialogue that lacks subtlety.  The musical
   number at the end is fun in an airheaded sort of way, but it aches for the
   snappy wit of earlier song sequences.  Some good jokes (like the ROFL couch
   gag and "Homer's Night Out" sequence) give it a much-needed lift.  Plus,
   it's good to see an episode where Homer appears for less than half the
   time.  (C+)

Rob Conzelman:  Tonight's episode, well, "blew" as Nelson would say.  It began
   with everyone slightly out of character in a strange, skittishly paced
   marathon of jokes going bad.  Not one of Homer's antics came close to
   making me laugh, nor did much else.  The only times a laughed out loud were
   Barts: "No, we have to put it somewhere where people's opinions matter" and
   Ralph's: "My mom should iron you."  The scenes with the kids rebelling made
   me sick from general lameness and utter redundancy.  At least the "Little
   Rascals" shot acknowledged this.  Followed by a terrible song, a bad
   ending, somewhat humorous credits (the old man talking), I would rather see
   Bart Gets an Elephant.  [...] The first time I have appreciated a shortened
   episode.  {  (D+)

Sarah Culp:  Fairly average, with many small chuckles.  I really liked the
   "Village of the Damned" parody, along with the Cindy Lauper bit, although
   as a guest star I was expecting more.  Probably one of the better episodes
   this season.  (B)

Jeff Dean:  Great episode!  The plot was backed up with countless funny
   moments, and I liked it a lot.  Best moments were the drunken rampage
   through the elementary school in the first act and the song-and-dance
   number in the third act.  I'm a sucker for a musical number.  But beyond
   the humor, the episode said something about relationships between adults
   and children, and it was right on target.  Clever ending too.  (A)

Don Del Grande:  Normally, I'm one of the (very, from the looks of things) few
   ATS types that likes the musical numbers, but this time it brought the show
   to a screeching halts.  (B)

Yuri Dieujuste:  This episode was bad.  The story line was poorly crafted.
   The idea behind the episode was good but the execution did not work.  The
   only descent parts were when the kids set up the underground radio station
   and when they sang the song.  (D)

Jordan Eisenberg:  I'm just a sucker for the "kids" episodes.  This will go
   down as a season highlight, if not for the hilarious writing, than for the
   many FFF gags.  A downside note: the show's past two production numbers
   have both been simple parodies of established songs, rather than Simpson
   originals like "Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart" or "We Put the Spring in
   Springfield."  It seems to me like the team is spending a lot of time on a
   few select episodes, and leaving the rest for the last minute.  But this
   arrangement pays off when episodes like this come around:  (A-)

Alex Foley:  A good 1st act, with a nice slam on band wagon fans, and the
   ensuing chaos that happens after the sports team wins.  The rest of the
   show was hit and miss.  I liked the ad for The Bloodening, but the movie
   itself fell flat (I.E., it felt like a movie, and not the typical way "The
   Simpsons" would mock these types of movies)  And finally, why the hell did
   they insist on a stupid musical number?  It was sooo out of place, and
   ruined it for me.  Just for that, I would give this a C, but since the
   writers at least did not spend the whole episode focused on Homer, I'll
   give it a  (C+)

Jeremy Gallen:  What the hell is this?  Did a writer lose a raise or
   something?  The plotline in the first act was recycled, from "Viva Ned
   Flanders" (c.f. Homer getting drunk and doing something crazy).  Lisa was
   also way out of character.  Only the second act was good at all.  (D-)

Andrew Gill:  Meh.  Most of the jokes fell flat, characterization was off (I
   spent all day explaining why Lisa was Kohlberg 5 [a scale of moral
   development; 5 is considered high -- Ed.], and now she acts like a two),
   there was very little DYN/FFF, but it didn't offend me.  When this comes
   around, again, I won't watch it, out of courtesy.  I don't want to review
   it any harsher than this time.  In the words of Ms. Hoover: Don't make me
   watch it, I'll just give you a C-.  (C-)

Joe Green:  A welcome relief from the wave of "all Homer, all the time"
   episodes we've been getting.  Not only did this one focus on the kids for a
   change, it also had some dead-on accurate social commentary and an ending
   that wasn't a cop-out.  My current "best of Season 10" pick is a dead heat
   between this and "Mayored to the Mob".  (A+)

Scott Henrichs:  Overall, it sucked compared to last weeks.  Last week I
   laughed out loud a bunch of times, the only time I really laughed at this
   one was when Millhouse was watching the Teletubbies and at his Teletubby
   underwear.  The song cue was dumb.  The movie that they wasted 2 whole
   minutes on put me to sleep.  When Homer, Barney, Carl, and Lenny drove
   around drunk I just shook my head at how corny it was.  I also thought the
   ending was quite lame.  However, there was one quote that I think TOTALLY
   describes this group
      "Let's post it on the internet!  No, we have to put it somewhere where
   people's opinions matter."  (D+)

Darrel Jones:  Another Season Ten classic!  Many scenes (like the kids playing
   at sunset) reminded me of the "old" Simpsons, which is always fun to see.
   I also loved the premise, the wonderfully silly drive-in movie, and the
   inspiredly silly "Kids/Adults" number.  And Wiggum's line "Kids never
   learn!" is the best in ages.  Even the ending was a vast improvement over
   recent eps. 10/10  (A+)

Joe Klemm:  Just as I feared it, this episode was indeed bent on being an
   awful piece of trash.  While it had some funny parts, it was ruined but the
   lack of research on curfews (see comments), the portrayal of Wiggum as a
   truly evil jerk, and the lame ending where the grandparents are the only
   ones out after sunset, save for the old guy talking during the credits.  In
   other words, I could have written a second and third act to it.  (C-)

Matthew Lesko:  One of the better episodes in recent weeks.  While I realize
   many of my brethren here don't agree, I thought that the song at the end
   was great!  One of their few accurate political ones as well, kids (mostly
   teens in reality) are blamed for <b>everything</b> in this society, even
   though adults usually start most of these acts or simply set a bad example
   for the kids that do the acts!  Geez, Catch-22.  (B+)

Ondre Lombard:  The first act and its set-up was a hodgepodge of tiresome,
   out-of-the-blue mean-spirited jokes within the Simpsons family, and more
   overly hedonistic irresponsibility on the part of Homer.  I found the whole
   plot absurd and a lot of jokes failed.  And the song at the end, which was
   only occasionally funny, looked like Alf Clausen and whoever wrote that
   song's lyrics want another Emmy for outstanding music and lyrics this year.
   Additionally, the episode relies a bit heavily on previous episode
   references as if it were a common fanscript.  However, the episode gets
   points for having a generally unique focus-point (kids vs. adults), and for
   a few jokes that *did* work.  But otherwise, it was a forgettable episode.
   (C-)

Tom Rinschler:  While I was originally not sure how to grade this episode due
   to its low humor content, after some thought I realized how cleverly this
   episode was put together.  The whole "Adult's vs. children" debate was
   cleverly illustrated by use of several plot devices, especially the movie,
   in which we see the adult's view of children out of control (the whole
   basis of the plot in the end).  Moreover, the children expose the hypocrisy
   of the curfew (which was unfairly instituted anyway), so that in the end, a
   sort of justice prevails as true guilty party (Homer and Co.) is punished.
   A strong and clever plot makes up for a humor shortfall.  (A-)

Matt Rose:  You know, I was ready to give this a high grade for the first 20
   minutes....then it all came crashing down.  WHY, WHY, WHY must they SING?
   The Simpsons has *never* pulled off a successful Broadway-style musical
   number, and I don't understand why they keep insisting that they do such.
   So many parts of this episode I really enjoyed too; the voice acting was a
   treat to listen to. Harry Shearer's always accurate impersonation of
   baseball announcer Vin Scully blows my mind.  [...] Unfortunately, the
   third act with the cliched, overdone, tiresome town-Mayor-mob
   scene-turned-Broadway-musical was utterly deplorable and turns what had
   potential to be a good episode into just another Simpsons later-season
   mediocrity.  (C)

Jason Rosenbaum:  Even though this episode had a below average ending, it
   seems that a bad ending is the trademark for Season 10.  This episode was
   fantastic.  The beginning was hilarious.  Homer's fair-weather fan
   mentality cracked me up, and "Homer's Night Out" was the funniest thing
   Homer's done all season.  The whole kid-curfew thing was a tad
   unbelievable, but that's what made it funnier.  Probably the best of the
   season, and probably the last good episode that will even air.  (A)

Yours Truly:  It's a tale of kids rebelling against overly strict authority,
   so there's a problem when I sympathize with the grown-ups.  While the
   events surrounding the Isotopes championship and its aftermath are funny,
   much of the latter two acts really aren't that hilarious.  On the other
   hand, I liked the story ended, which has been a rarity lately.  (C+)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B- (2.82)   Std Dev.: 1.0533   (34 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Writer Watch

Mike Smith:  Larry Doyle's previous episodes have been met with mixed results.
   His first, "Girly Edition" [5F15], have been disliked by many, but, his
   "Terror Of Tiny Toon" segment of "Treehouse Of Horror IX" [AABF01] is well
   liked by many, which is one of the reasons why this season's "THOH" is the
   best in years.  Of course, the live-action Regis & Kathie Lee segment did
   have mixed reactions (I do enjoy it, although it was brief), but, much of
   it is still enjoyable (I do like the ending, and the Poochie part, as
   well)!


>> If Sherri doesn't have it, maybe Terri took it

D. Pilsbury helps us understand the blackboard gag:  The term "Got Back"
   refers to having a big butt.  Not in the big and sloppy sense but big and
   shapely.  It was a term used frequently a few years ago and still used now
   in some rap songs.  More of a cultural slang.


>> Meta-reference corner

Jason Rosenbaum:  Bart saying "No, let's not post this on the internet, let's
   take it where it matters!" is no doubt based on this newsgroup and site
   reviews of the Simpsons.  [{bjr} wonders, "Anyone get the feeling this line
   was penned by Mr. Maxtone-Graham?" -- Ed.]


Jake Lennington:  Homer's feelings about the Isotopes sounded like a sarcastic
   analogy to the feelings expressed by the long time Simpsons watchers who
   feel the show has declined.


Ben Collins ponders what message, if any, the writers are sending:  Also, much
   has been said about this episode's slam on alt.tv.simpsons (IF that's what
   it's aimed at).  There are actually two separate gags: the "stick it out to
   the bitter end" baseball game scene and Bart's "opinions don't matter"
   remark. IMO the first just ribs the a.t.s. gang without being too mean-
   spirited; the second raises some questions.  Like, exactly who are they
   hitting on?  The obsessive regulars?  The more widely disliked "Where Is
   Springfield" types who wander in and out?  Simpsons site maintainers?
   Fanscript authors?  Or are they painting all of us with the same brush, a'
   la Ian Haxtone-Graham?  Ya gotta wonder...


>> Antiquated humor

Dale Abersold defends us Internet nerd types:  When Milhouse suggests that
   they post their parents' secrets on the Internet, Bart says something along
   the lines that "we should get it to people whose opinions actually matter."
   I can only interpret that joke as a dig at us...since the joke makes little
   sense otherwise.  It's my impression that these days, almost everybody in
   business, government, and academia uses the internet to some extent.  To
   suggest that its only "nerds with no life" out here is a notion as quaint
   as the manual typewriter.


>> She just wanted to have fun

Benjamin Robinson:  Cyndi Lauper emerged onto the American pop scene in ~1983
   with her hit "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," from the album "She's So
   Unusual."  And she certainly was!  She had an irreverent manner and wild
   dressing style that convinced everyone over forty she was some kind of bad
   influence on youth.  (This was way before Marilyn Manson, you see.)  After
   "Girls" and a few other popular songs -- one of them supposedly about
   masturbation!  -- Lauper returned to her home planet.  Or at least that's
   what most people think she did.  Her follow-up albums were never as
   commercial as her first one, and a bid to enter the film world began and
   pretty much ended with the critically panned "Vibes."

   Recently, Cyndi Lauper has made a comeback of sorts.  She was a guest on
   "The Late Show with David Letterman" and Dave was, um, really impressed
   with her performance.  More noticeably, she was well-received in a guest
   role on "Mad About You."  Both times, Lauper looked considerably more
   toned-down and "normal" but for tonight's show, the animators drew her in
   her wild mode, as she appeared in the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video.


>> The Sultan of Swat IV

Mark A. Richey:  Babe Ruth-arguably the greatest baseball player of all time.
   Legend has it that he pointed to the bleachers during the 1933 World
   Series, and promptly hit a homerun there, though whether he did that or not
   is in dispute.  He also was a noted fan of the nightlife, and it's entirely
   possible, in fact probable, that he did have some illegitimate children.


>> Jingle bells, Batman smells

Jessi Cuellar:  Actually, Homer was singing a little ditty from that era, my
   dad taught it to me when I was a kid.  But we didn't hear Homer sing all of
   it.  It goes to the tune of "Whistle While You Work:"

   Whistle while you work.
   Hitler is a jerk.
   Mussolini bit his weenie
   Now it doesn't work.

   [Dale Abersold recalls it was used in "Life in Hell," where Groening adds
   the postscript, "Repeat until spanked."]


>> Keeping score with SES

Mark A. Richey:  a few weeks ago, Don Del Grande pointed out that SES might go
   through 8th grade, since it's unlikely that there would be a need for a new
   scoreboard for a school that only went through 5th or 6th grade, since most
   schools don't have athletic teams.  The presence of the boy's locker rooms
   seem to confirm that, since there isn't a need for them, either, in
   traditional elementary schools.


>> "We Are the Champions"

Mark A. Richey:  the guys sing these old Queen songs ("We Are the Champions/We
   Will Rock You") in the showers.  They have become closely associated with
   sporting events (especially "We Will Rock You"), somewhat ironically, since
   athletics didn't spring to mind when one looked at Queen.


Haynes Lee adds:  The reason the two songs are played back-to-back is because
   "We Will Rock You" was on the flip side of the "We Are The Champions" 45
   rpm record.  "We Are The Champions" first became a hit and some DJ decided
   to play the flip side.  Then "We Will Rock You" also became a hit.


>> Springfield After Dark

Benjamin Robinson discusses how juvenile curfews apply to non-cartoon
   children:  First the good news:  Crime, especially violent crime, is down.
   Woo hoo!  Now, the bad news:  Juvenile crime is on the way up.  D'oh!
   Community leaders across the nation have been under pressure to reverse
   that second trend and, with greater frequency, they turn to curfews.
   Although the notion of curfews has been around for a while, they still
   engender controversy.  Proponents say they have two benefits, in that they
   can keep both young criminals and young potential crime victims off the
   streets at night (which is typically when most criminal activity occurs).
   Opponents -- and they're not all just kids, either -- feel that this is an
   unreasonable restriction of children's rights.  They also argue that
   curfews are ineffective, since someone willing to steal a car or mug an old
   person isn't above sneaking out of the house at night.

   Here in the real world (TM), the restrictions are more reasonable than the
   ones imposed by Chief Wiggum.  While even a civil libertarian would have a
   hard time justifying a teenager's need to be out at, say, four in the
   morning there are some legitimate reasons to be roaming around after
   sundown.  After-school jobs can keep children at work after dark.  (What,
   you thought the people manning the late shift at McDonald's were MBAs?)
   Even after-school activities like school football games last well into the
   night.  Recognizing this, curfews are generally set for 11:00 or midnight.
   [Joe Klemm writes, "if kids are busy watching things like movies at a
   theater, concerts, and sporting events, then they are allowed to break
   curfew" -- Ed.]  Also, despite what happened in tonight's episode, a child
   can legally be out at any time -- even four in the morning -- if they are
   accompanied by an adult.  Good thing, too, since a dusk curfew would
   otherwise trap parents at home to look after their children.

   Incidentally, a city near where I live imposed a curfew on anyone under
   eighteen a little less than a year ago.  The results?  Crimes committed by
   juveniles didn't go down.  However, the number of children who were
   =victims= of crime did decrease, if only because they weren't around to be
   preyed upon.  Whether or not this justifies continuing a curfew is left as
   an exercise for the readers.


>> Achtung, Chief Wiggum!

Todd Emerson explains why writers "The Simpsons" aren't the only ones to make
   pop culture references:  Let's go further back with this, to the original
   source: In the Mel Brooks movie "The Producers", Gene Wilder and Zero
   Mostel are producing a sure-fire bomb for Broadway, "Springtime for
   Hitler."  At one point, Dick Shawn's character says, "Achtung, baby!", as
   he's a bit of a beat/bop/hipster.  German play director [Roger DeBris]
   vehemently protests, responding, "Der Fuhrer does not say 'Achtung,
   baby'!!!"

   Which is where U2 got it from.  So there!


>> "Lis,' no, it's prime time!"

Jordan Eisenberg:  I think Bart's comment pretty much sums up the public's
   attitude towards television these days.  The words "prime time" bring to
   mind little more than dysfunctional single people insulting each other in
   their messy city apartments, and I think I'd say about the same thing in
   Bart's position.  It's good to see some television satire of this kind on
   The Simpsons again.


>> If Milhouse likes it, it must be good

Mark A. Richey explains the Teletubbies, as if that were possible:  The weird
   creatures on Milhouse's TV and underwear are the stars of this bizarre
   British kids show about four brightly colored childlike creatures who have
   TV's in their tummies.  For those over five, watching it is a truly surreal
   experience.


>> Playing at a drive-in near you

Sarah Culp:  "The Bloodening" is an obvious parody of "Village of the Damned",
   the 1960 mediocre horror movie about several blond children who can read
   and control thoughts.  It was (hilariously) remade a few years ago with
   Christopher Reeve, Kirstie Alley, and coincidentally Mark Hamill (along
   with a dozen kindergartners in blond wigs).  Rent it if you're in a MST3K
   mood.

   "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken", the basis for this episode's title, was a
   1991 movie starring Gabrille Anwar as a young woman who dreamed of riding
   diving horses, and eventually reached that dream, even after she became
   blind.  It has absolutely nothing to do with the episode, but "Wild Barts
   Can't Be Broken" is one of the better titles lately, IMHO.


Jordan Eisenberg adds:  Lisa seemed to enjoy "The Bloodening" on first sight
   just as much as Bart.  I guess her attitudes have changed since closing her
   eyes during the violent "Space Mutant" scenes and shrugging off "Bonestorm"
   because of the gore.


>> Insurance agents at the theater?  That IS frightening

Joe Klemm explains:  During the 1950's and 1960's, some filmmakers gave out
   benefits for those who die of fright while watching certain films.  For
   Macabre, free life insurance was given out with nurses actually outside the
   theater for those who wish to sign for it.  The makers of The Screaming
   Skull, on the other hand, offers free burial arrangement and coffin for
   those who died while watching that film. Mystery Science Theater 3000
   recently spoofed the free coffin bit when they did The Screaming Skull.


>> I'm no angel

Benjamin Robinson responds to Andrew Gill's observation of Lisa's moral
   backsliding in this episode:  Elsewhere, someone [Mike Smith, actually.
   See "Writer Watch" comment -- Ed.] mentioned that "Wild Barts" author Larry
   Doyle also was the lead writer for "Girly Edition (5F15)," and this helps
   explain Lisa's behavior in this episode.  In both shows, Lisa didn't live
   up to her usual moral standard; in "Girly Edition" she tried to undermine
   her brother's success, and in last Sunday's show she conspired to embarrass
   her parents.

   One of the things that makes Lisa interesting is the fact that she has a
   dark side; goody two-shoes are soooo boring.  We more easily can forgive
   Lisa's backsliding in "Girly Edition", since Bart did usurp her on a
   project she worked very hard on.  Also, Lisa made amends with Bart at the
   very end of the show. Her behavior in "Wild Barts" struck me as out of
   character, though.  I can buy Lisa rebelling as an act of resisting an
   unjust law, but that doesn't seem to be motivating her here.  Instead, Lisa
   is as malicious as her co-conspirators, and she's unrepentant at the end,
   too.


>> "A date which will live in infamy"

Mark A. Richey:  That would be Dec. 7, 1941 and the Pearl Harbor bombing.
   President Franklin Roosevelt said those words the next day, urging Congress
   to declare war on Japan (which they promptly did)


>> Car Watch:  The Bloodening

Benjamin Robinson:  The kids watch the movie while sitting in front of a
   Chevrolet Suburban.  (Or maybe they were just caught in the Suburban's
   gravity well -- that is one huge vehicle.)

   One of the cars pulling up to the kids on the billboard is a first-
   generation VW Bus.

   Ben Collins claims, "the guy on the "Energy Shortage Game" box drives what
   may be one of Oldsmobile's notorious late '70s diesels?  (Yes, I know this
   is Benjamin's territory.)"  ["Actually, it looks like a generic Powell
   wagon to me," says {bjr}]


>> One of these episodes is not like the others ...

Jordan Eisenberg points out how this show is different:  A while ago I posted
   that "Itchy & Scratchyland" was the one episode which I was convinced had
   no starring character.  Well, "Wild Barts" is now another in that list.
   Who was the star?  Bart?  Homer?  Chief Wiggum?  You could say Bart was the
   star because he was mentioned in the title, but it's not really the case.
   An amazing (and I use the term VERY loosely) thing about this is that
   "Itchy & Scratchyland," episode 107, is exactly halfway through the series
   as of "Wild Barts," which is episode 214.  Spooky, huh?


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Bart Without A Cause


Jordan Eisenberg:  This isn't the first time Luanne Van Houten has cheated on
   her boyfriend.  She went on a date with Apu in "The Two Mrs.
   Nahasapeemapetilons."


Haynes Lee also contributes these three items:  Homer and the gang sing "We
   Are the Champions," by Queen

   Colonel Klink is the luvvable German commandant from "Hogan's Heroes"

   URBAN LEGEND ALERT -- Ann Landers printed a list of 'One Vote' examples to
   show the importance of voting.  The list was riddled with errors.  (As of
   January 17, 1999 there was a URL at
   <http://www.snopes.com/spoons/fracture/onevote.htm> with more information.)

   FDR's "day of infamy" speech about Pearl Harbor bombing is heard on the
   radio as the kids tune it


Joe Klemm:  According to a legend, Babe Ruth once pointed to the stands
   towards a sick kid he promised he hit a home run for, then did just that.
   Reenactments can be seen in films about Babe Ruth.


Mark A. Richey:  Moose Jaw is a city of 33,000 in Saskatchewan, which doesn't
   have a minor league baseball team, but does have a minor league hockey
   team.

   In the late 80's, Japanese electronics giant acquired Columbia Pictures and
   their sister studio TriStar, and renamed them Sony Pictures (even though
   the individual studios retain their names)

   Skoal-popular brand of snuff

   David Faustino-played Bud Bundy on "Married With Children"


Benjamin Robinson submits the following two items:  Milhouse appears to be a
   fan of "Teletubbies," a show created for the same 2-to-5 age demographic as
   "Barney."  Unlike the purple dinosaur, "Teletubbies" has a cult underground
   following  of teenagers and adults, and is rumored to be a favorite of
   stoners coming down off their highs.

   Tom Shales, if I remember correctly, is the TV critic for the Washington
   Post.  I suspect he was picked because he's one of the few TV critics with
   a national audience.


Daniel Tropea suggests this alternate title:  "Kids of the Darned"


>> And finally...

Mr. Tropea finds the moral of this fable:  Lesson in life - be careful what
   you say or do around kids - they listen and absorb far more then one
   suspects.


Jordan Eisenberg sums up his actions:  "On the internet within a day, even
   though his opinion doesn't actually matter."


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {jo}
==============================================================================
% At the Springfield War Memorial Stadium, an eighties pop star sings 
% the national album before a baseball game.

Cyndi Lauper:	[singing] O'er the land, of the free, and the home 
			... [to the tune of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"] ... 
			home of the bra-ave!  Oh, America, the home of the 
			bra-ave!  The brave, America the brave, the brave!  
			Home of the bra-ave!
			[the crowd cheers wildly]
			Thank you, Springfield!  I love you!  Peace!
Conroy:		Thank you, Cyndi Lauper!  Just to remind you, folks, 
			we do have a baseball game today.
-- Eighties pop AND a baseball game?  What a country, "Wild Barts
   Can't Be Broken"

% Some of the audience members, who had been leaving the stadium, sit 
% back down again, saying, "Oh, right, heh."
%
% Dennis Conroy, the announcer, introduces the Isotopes.  The crowd 
% boos the team, who come out looking out of shape and gasping for 
% breath.

Let's welcome two new additions to the team, Smash Diggins and 
Fishbone Walker.  Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors 
for drug violations!
-- Dennis Conroy, Springfield Isotopes announcer, "Wild Barts Can't
   Be Broken"

% The two athletes hand urine samples to Lunch Lady Doris, who dips 
% paper in them.  The samples come up dirty, to which the two "toast" 
% with the urine cups.  Tossing them away, the fans cheer.

Homer:	Stupid Isotopes.  Hurry up and lose so we can get outta 
		here!
Lisa:		Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer:	Because I loved them once and they broke my heart.  Let 
		that be a lesson to you, sweetie.  Never love anything.
Lisa:		Even you?
Homer:	Especially me.
Bart:		But you gotta support the team, Dad!  They're already 
		threatening to move to Moosejaw.
Marge:	That's right!  Like my mother always said, you've got to 
		stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... [sees Homer 
		picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward] 
		... to the bitter end.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The game begins.

Conroy:	[over PA] First pitch of the game ... [something snaps in 
		the pitcher's arm during the wind-up] that's a rotator 
		cuff, his career's over.
Homer:	[getting up] I'm gonna warm up the car.
Marge:	But there's only been one pitch!
Homer:	And it sucked.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Some time later, the game nears its end with bases loaded and two 
% outs.  A rather thin man comes to the plate.  Homer, waiting in his 
% car outside the stadium gates, sings an old childhood favorite.  
% ("Whistle While You Work," with the lyrics reinterpreted as, "Hitler 
% is a jerk, Mussolini ...")
%
% Meanwhile, back at the ball park ...

Conroy:	[over PA] That'll bring up Babe Ruth the fourth.  'Course 
		he's no Babe Ruth the third, but the franchise is very 
		excited about this illegitimate great-grand Bambino!  And, 
		what's this?  He's pointing to the right-field bleachers, 
		probably at a dying little boy.
Bart:		[sees he's being pointed at] Mom, am I dying?
Marge:	No, of course not!
Lisa:		[whispering] Is he, Mom?  You can tell me.
Marge:	No!
Conroy:	[over PA] Now, he's pointing to the ground.  Is he 
		indicating a bunt?  Yes, he's bunting!
		[the visiting fielders, positioning themselves mere feet 
		from home plate, scoop up the called bunt, retiring the 
		side and ending the game]
Marge:	[shouting defeatedly] Good hustle, kid ...
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Outside in the car, Homer, still singing, collects his family and 
% takes off driving.

Homer:	[singing] ... now it doesn't work.  [normal voice] So who 
		won?  The losers?
Bart:		No, they lost.
Homer:	Heh, heh, heh, heh, losers.
Marge:	But only by two points, and they didn't resort to stealing 
		bases like the other team, so it's kind of a moral 
		victory.
Lisa:		With a little middle relief, they might even make the 
		playoffs!
Homer:	You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever 
		happens.
Marge:	Homer, would you please stop talking about the childrens' 
		graves?
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Presumably a few months and a competent middle relief staff into the 
% future, Homer walks into Moe's bar, where a good number of people 
% are yelling wildly.

Homer:	What's the hub-bub?  Did Moe finally blow his brains 
		out?
Lenny:	Quiet!  We're watching the Isotopes.
Homer:	Shut it off, they're losers.
Carl:		Where you been?  The Isotopes are on fire!
Moe:		Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in 
		disguise.
Lenny:	Now we're in the championship game!
Homer:	Championship?  Hmm?
		[Homer ducks out of the bar for a moment, and reappears 
		totally decked out in 'Topes gear]
Homer:	Woo!  'Topes rule! [guzzles a mug of beer]
Brockman:	Well, here's a die-hard fan.  Sir, your beloved Isotopes 
		are  about to make history.  Any thoughts?
Homer:	Uh-huh, it's a great team, Kent.  We never gave up hope 
		... I wanna thank Jesus, and say hi to my special lady 
		Marge.  We did it, baby!  Whoo!  Whooooo!
Brockman:	The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, 
		root for the home team.  Even if they lose this ga ...
Homer:	They lost?!  Those losers!
Brockman:	No, no, no, the game's not over.
Homer:	Whoo!  Not over!  Whoo!
Brockman:	There you have it ... whoo.
-- Homer Simpson, true-blue 'Topes fan, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The packed bar cheers at the ballgame on TV.

Bottom of the ninth, two outs.  It all comes down to this.  And here's 
the pitch ... Humpin' Hesus, he got all of that one.  It's going, 
going, going ... [they show a quick shot of a blank-faced man eating a 
hot dog] our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski ... it's 
out of here!  'Topes win!
-- Conroy announces the shot heard around Springfield, "Wild Barts
   Can't Be Broken"

% The bar patrons go into a frenzy.  While Carl and Lenny toast each 
% other, Homer pours beer on himself and Barney steals a keg and opens 
% it, spraying Kent out the door and then drinking from it.

Moe:		[sighs] Nobody touched my rumaki.
Homer:	[dumping the rumaki dish onto Moe] Whoo!  Ramaki!
-- Almost nobody, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% In Homer's car, Homer beeps and yells, while Barney sits in the 
% passenger seat, drinking from two bottles at once.  Lenny and Carl 
% sit in the back, drunkenly seeing who can punch the other in the 
% face harder while saying "Isotopes".  They pass Springfield 
% Elementary and its baseball diamond.

Homer:	Hey!  A baseball field!  Batter-up!
		[driving onto the playground, Homer pulls onto the diamond 
		and drives along the basepath]
Lenny:	Oh, baby!  Steal second!
Barney:	I think I'm gonna puke!
Carl:		Hey, who's on first?
Homer:	[approaching home] Touchdown!
Barney:	Slide!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The car crashes into the fence behind home and travels through it, 
% when the fence suddenly explodes in flames.  The four then go 
% driving down the school's halls, still yelling drunkenly.  Lenny 
% takes a fire extinguisher off the wall and sprays it on Carl, which 
% quickly fills the vehicle with a white gas.  Unable to see, Homer 
% scrapes a few lockers and shatters the glass on the trophy case.  
% Later, the guys are in the boys' locker room, where they take a 
% shower, singing Queen's "We are the champions," although with the 
% "we are the champions" part before the "you got mud on your face" 
% lyrics.  At this point, Barney slips in the shower and goes down.  
% "Whoop, careful," Homer admonishes.
%
% The next morning, Lisa eats cereal at the table when Homer comes 
% down to leave for work.  "You look really hung over, Dad," she says, 
% "What did you do last night?"
%
% In Homer's mind, a black and white silent film begins entitled 
% "Homer's Night Out".  Walking past Moe's Bar, he puts his finger to 
% his lips and stares up at the sign.  "Hmm ... Perhaps I'll wet my 
% whistle." the caption reads.  Walking in, he buys a drink from Moe 
% (he and the rest of the patrons are dressed, unlike Homer, in early 
% twentieth century clothing), and quaffs it.  A "Scene Missing" frame 
% pops up.  In the next scene, Homer and three maidens are in an 
% idyllic clearing, holding onto ribbons attached to a pole, around 
% which they dance in a circle.  The "Scene Missing' frame pops up 
% again, followed by "The End" and a rather harsh-sounding piano 
% chord.  Back to Homer's unshaven face and bloodshot eyes as he 
% stares, unable to think.

Homer:	Mmm ... uh ... [pats Lisa on the head] Hello, big 
		Maggie!
Bart:		[from living room] Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Someone trashed the 
		school!
Marge:	What the dilly-o?!
		[the Simpsons all watch as Brockman, who obviously 
		didn't stay up long after the game, is in the middle of 
		a report at the scene]
Brockman:	... where the three "R"s stand for rowdiness, 
		ransacking, and ir-responsibility.  Any suspects, Chief?
Wiggum:	None.  That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that 
		this was the work of no-good punk kids.
		Lisa:	Kids?!
Wiggum:	Therefore, effective immediately, I am imposing a 
		curfew.  Any kid caught on the street after dark will be 
		shot.  Or, returned  to their parents, as the situation 
		may warrant.
Bart:		Woah!
Lisa:		Curfew?
Homer:	Serves you little punks right.  Maybe next time you'll 
		think before ... [looks out back window and sees his car 
		there, smashed up and crashed through the Flanders' 
		fence] Oh, my God!  Look at what those rotten little 
		punks did to my car!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  6:23]
%
% The Simpsons sit around the table, eating.

Bart:		The cops can't just slap a curfew on us.  We have rights!
Marge:	Sure you do.  You have the right to remain silent!
		[Homer and Marge both laugh loudly]
Homer:	That was cold blooded, Marge.
Marge:	Yeah. 
Lisa:		But it's not fair.  Adults always blame kids for 
		everything.
Homer:	Well if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named 
		after them?  Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse ...
Bart:		What about adultery?
Homer:	Not until you're older, son.
-- Gotta have something to look forward to, "Wild Barts Can't Be
   Broken"

% That night at sunset, the kids of Springfield play outside, until 
% Milhouse screams out "Ice cream truck!".  All waiting at the side of 
% the road, the kids wait patiently, when suddenly a police car cuts 
% the truck off.  "Achtung, babies!" Wiggum yells over his bullhorn.  
% "Curfew is in effect!  Return to your homes immediately!"
% 
% The Flanders kids scream and run indoors, and the rest of the 
% children slowly and reluctantly walk back to their homes.

Wiggum:	All right, let's see some ID's, boys. [takes their IDs] 
		All right, you two scofflaws are violating curfew.  I'm 
		taking you downtown.  Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. 
		Hibbert.
Nelson:	[deep voice] Not at all, officer. [chuckles like Hibbert]
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Bart and Lisa, staring outside, watch as the fireflies gather next 
% to the front window.

Lisa:		[sighs] What a beautiful night.  Fireflies, full moon ...
Bart:		And here we are, locked inside.
Homer:	[bursting in through front door] Kids!  The carnival's in 
		town for one night only!  And they've got cotton candy, 
		and hats with feathers, and there's no lines because all 
		the stupid kids have curfew!  So ... [sees the kids 
		glares] Oh, right, sorry.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Homer runs back outside, laughing mirthfully.  Bart and Lisa sigh 
% and look to the ground with dejection.  Marge walks up with a few 
% boxes.

Marge:	Why don't you kids play one of your old board games?  When 
		was the last time you played "Citizenship"?
Bart:		[looking through games] "Energy Shortage"?
Lisa:		"Hippo in the House"?
Marge:	Ooh, "The Game of Lent"!
Bart:		Ohh, can't we just go to bed?
Marge:	It's only five-thirty.
Lisa:		Fine, we'll play "Hippo in the House".
Marge:	Oh, the hippo's missing.
-- Let's hope Milton-Bradley isn't watching, "Wild Barts Can't Be 
   Broken"

% The kids sigh again.  The next day at the playground, a few of the 
% elementary schoolchildren talk with each other.

Milhouse:	You think that's bad, I had to talk to my Mom all night.  
		She's got problems.  Scary problems.
Nelson:	Adults blow.
Bart:		Yeah, just look at them over there.
Milhouse:	[mockingly] Smoking their cigarettes.
Lisa:		[mockingly] Drinking their coffee.
Bart:		[mockingly] Scratching their big butts.
		[Skinner, talking nearby with Mrs. Krabapple and Ms. 
		Hoover, stops scratching for a moment]
Skinner:	Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
		[walks off backwards, looking around uneasily]
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Elsewhere, Chief Wiggum inspects a billboard the police department 
% has recently put up.  It's a large picture of Wiggum drinking a cup 
% of coffee reading "We're Watching You Kids: Cops Never Sleep"; the 
% sign's eyes and coffee cup move mechanically.

Wiggum:	That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in 
		charge around here.
Lou:		Gee, chief, all those gears and motors must have cost a 
		fortune!
Wiggum:	Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou.
-- But how does the sign make ... oh, never mind, "Wild Barts Can't Be
   Broken"

% At the Simpson house, Lisa and Bart languidly lie in the living 
% room; Bart flies a kite with the wind coming in from the window.  
% Bart asks Lisa if she wants a turn holding the kite, but she 
% declines.  Bart lets the kite go, flying into the kitchen and into 
% Marge's hair.  "Marge, kite," Homer points out.

Lisa:		Hey, there is one thing we could do. [turns on the TV]
Bart:		Oh!  Lis'!  No!  It's primetime!
		[a sitcom comes on; a man sits at one end of a couch 
		opposite a woman, filing her nails]
Man:		You robbed me of my manhood!
Woman:	That's petty theft!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The studio audience screams "Wooo ...!"  A 'wacky' looking guy pops 
% up from behind the couch and says "Don't go there!" to the woman.  
% The crowd applauds and laughs, when a shot of the sitcom's star 
% leaning against the show's title pops up.  "'Don't Go There' will be 
% right back," he says.
%
% Bart, holding a bowling ball over his head, is about to smash the 
% TV.  "Oh, no it won't," he threatens.  Lisa tells him to hold off, 
% since there's a commercial on.
%
% As if this weren't a reason to smash the set even more, the two 
% watch the advertisement.  The words "Horror", "Blood", and "Gore" 
% appear on the screen, dripping with blood.  The kids watch anxiously 
% as the commercial shows dogs on chains growling and salivating, and 
% a man with a pitchfork backing up in terror.

Forty years ago, a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying, 
it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth.  But even 
the new management of Sony Tri-Star could not contain the pure evil of 
... [echoes] "The Bloodening".
-- TV announcer, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% A woman's scream comes from the TV set.  Bart picks up the phone and 
% calls Milhouse.

Bart:		Milhouse, do you see what's on channel six?
Milhouse:	[entranced, watching "Teletubbies"] Uh, yeah, it's-it's 
		really something.
-- Wow, that's even scarier, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Milhouse changes the channel and gasps.  The TV shows an audience 
% fleeing a movie theatre in terror as the eerie voice of the 
% announcer continues.

Announcer:	A registered nurse, trained in the treatment of terror, 
		will be on duty during the showing of "The Bloodening". 
		[laughs madly]
Man:		[normal-sounding voice] Now playing at the Springfield 
		Drive-in.
		[in a poor attempt to make his voice sound frightening] 
		After dark ...
Bart:		Milhouse, spread the word.  We're seeing this movie ... 
		tonight.  That's right ... we're breaking curfew.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Sneaking out Bart's window and down the tree, Bart and Lisa escape.  
% Along the way, Martin, Wendell, Milhouse, Lewis, and Janey join 
% them.

Nelson:		I'm breaking curfew, Mom.
Nelson's Mother:	We're out of Skoal!
-- Parental supervision required, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The kids, arriving at the drive-in, hide in some bushes.  Skinner 
% and Krabapple pull up to the ticket window.

Attendant:	Due to the likelihood of beer-induced heart attacks, 
		we're offering all patrons million-dollar life 
		insurance policies.
Skinner:	Life insurance?  Hmm ... will I be able to borrow 
		against the equity?
Attendant:	I don't know, sir.  It comes free with the popcorn.
Skinner:	Is that air-popped?
Chalmers:	[from back seat, with Agnes] Skinner!  We're losing 
		valuable make-out time.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% To get inside, the curfew-breaking kids have to pass by a fence.  
% Milhouse tries to crawl under it, but the hole is too small, 
% preventing his backside from getting all the way through.  To help 
% him get through, Nelson kicks Milhouse in the rear, knocking him 
% over to the other side.  He gets up and finds his pants have ripped, 
% revealing his "Teletubbies" underwear.  On the other side, Nelson 
% pulls the fence up for Lisa and courteously lets her pass.  They 
% exchange each others' names and a smile.
%
%  Once inside, Bart directs the troops in front of a car, where they 
% take their seats just as the "Lobby" song ends.  The movie begins.
%
% A man with a pitchfork tends to a pile of hay by the moonlight.  
% Four white-haired kids walk onto his property:  two boys and two 
% girls.

Man:		Get off of my moor, you mischievous wee-'uns.
Boy #1:	Actually, we'd prefer to stay.
Boy #2:	You're thinking about hurting us.
		[the children's eyes begin to glow with a bright blue 
		light]
Girl #1:	Now you're thinking, "How did they know what I was 
		thinking?"
Boy #2:	Now you're thinking, "I hope that's shepherd's pie in my 
		knickers."
		[their eyes continue to glow; the pitchfork-wielding man 
		runs away, screaming]
Wendell:	Wow!
Milhouse:	They showed him!
Nelson:	Man, I never liked Shakespeare until now.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The movie continues.  The four kids stand on a set of steps as the 
% entire town has cornered them, carrying whatever weapons they could 
% find.

Constable:	Right, you little blighters, we've had quite enough of 
		your evil mischief.
Boy #1:	But you're the one who's been bad.  You've been sneaking 
		puddings.
Constable:	But, but ... how did you know?
Girl #1:	We know all your secrets.
Boy #2:	[to minister] And you pilfered the poor box.
Girl #2:	And doctor, we know that you and the bootblack have been 
		rogering the fishwife in the crumpetshop.
		[the crumpet shopkeep spits out a bite of crumpet]
Fishwife:	Lies!
Constable:	Get them!  Quickly!
Boy #1:	We can't have that.
		[the kids' eyes begin glowing again, and the 
		townspeople, strangely, begin to attack themselves with 
		their own weapons]
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% At the drive-in, the curfew-breakers cheer the four kids on, until 
% the drive-in lights turn on and the movie disappears from the 
% screen.  Chief Wiggum walks up to them.

Wiggum:	Enjoying the movie, kids?
		[the kids shriek, and within moments are all put into a 
		police van]
		Listen up, punks.  The moral of the story is, the adults 
		always win!
		[the kids turn their heads to face the police chief, and 
		their eyes begin to glow.  Wiggum yells in terror, until 
		realizing it's just the reflection from a police light 
		Eddie had turned on]
Wiggum:	For crying out loud, Eddie.  You scared the hell out of 
		me.
Eddie:	Sorry, chief.  [turns off the light and snickers to 
		himself]
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% [End of act two.  Time:  12:54]
%
% The kids from the drive-in are dressed are orange detention uniforms 
% and are washing the chief's mechanical billboard.

Wiggum:	Don't forget to clean under the jowls.  That spot is Club 
		Med for mildew.  And let this be a lesson to you!  Kids 
		never learn!  Hah!
		[the chief drives off, spinning out in the mud and leaving 
		splatters all over both the sign and the kids]
Bart:		Oh, that is it!  I'm tired of being pushed around by 
		grown-ups.  It's time to fight back!
		[the other kids agree]
Milhouse:	Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we 
		could read the adults' minds and tell their secrets and 
		make them pitchfork each other and junk! [laughs]
Lisa:		Wait!  We don't need supernatural powers.  We already know 
		their secrets.
Bart:		She's right!  Homer's done a ton of crap that never made 
		the papers.
Martin:	My Mom shoplifts all the time.  Stuff she doesn't even 
		need.
Nelson:	My Dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
Lisa:		[with notepad] Great!  This is all gold.
Milhouse:	We gotta spread this stuff around.  Let's put it on the 
		internet!
Bart:		No!  We have to reach people whose opinions actually 
		matter!  And I think I know how.
-- Uh ... hey, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The kids discuss their plans excitedly; later, at Springfield 
% Elementary, Principal Skinner makes an announcement over the 
% intercom.  Nelson, trying to distract him, raps on the window and 
% moons Skinner, rubbing his butt against the glass.  Skinner calls 
% for Willie to bring Windex, and then runs out the door.  After he 
% does so, Bart runs in and takes his microphone.
%
% Elsewhere, Milhouse takes the headphones off of a sleeping Otto's 
% ears. At the nursing home, a pair of child's hands pulls the insides 
% of a TV set out, and replaces it with a cat.

Two-hundred channels, and nothing but cats.
-- Jasper, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Bart, Lisa, Nelson, Martin, and Milhouse carry the electronic 
% devices they've pilfered in a wagon and walk through a fence; as a 
% black-out ring closes on the scene, a small dog following them winks 
% at us, a la "Little Rascals".  Later, Homer and Marge get ready for 
% a night in front of the TV.

Homer:		So, Marge, ready for another episode of "Don't Go 
			There"?
Marge:		I'm tired of that show.  But I've been hearing 
			good things about "Talk to the Hand".  Tom Shales 
			says the writing "snaps, crackles, and pops"!
Homer:		Okay, whatever takes my mind off my life.
			[the TV comes on and the sitcom begins with a 
			theme song]
Female Singers:	Talk to the hand, the face ain't listening ...
Lisa:			[overly romantic] Hey, look what I found! [Marge 
			turns the TV off] Grandpa's old radio.  Oh, 
			wouldn't it be grand to gather 'round and have a 
			listen?
Homer:		Well turn something on!  I'm starting to think!
-- Oh no, not that!  "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Lisa adjusts the dial, first picking up a couple music stations, 
% then Franklin D. Roosevelt giving his famous war declaration 
% address.  Finally, she stops on a familiar voice attempting an 
% English accent.

Bart:		Good evening, adults.  We interrupt this broadcast to 
		bring you a very special presentation.  Tonight's program 
		is entitled ...
Kids:		"We Know All Your Secrets".
Homer:	Boring!  Go back to that infamy guy.
Bart:		Constable Wiggum likes to act tough, but he also likes to 
		walk the beat in control-top pantyhose.
		[Marge and Homer take interest in the broadcast, as do 
		Eddie and Lou, who stare at Chief Wiggum down at the 
		station]
Wiggum:	Heh, heh, well, heh, it's not like that's a crime.
Eddie:	I'm afraid it is, chief. [takes out handcuffs]
Wiggum:	Mmm ...
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% At Edna Krabapple's house, she and Skinner eat dinner together, 
% listening to the radio.

Bart:		And, Schoolmistress Krabapple have been stealing supplies 
		from the school cafeteria.
Skinner:	[gasps] Edna!  How could you?  Don't get up.  I'll bus my 
		own tray.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Skinner takes his tray, clearly school property, to a lunchroom tray 
% rack in her kitchen.  He pushes it to the sink.

Bart:		And now we come to Mr. Homer Simpson.  Did you know he 
		likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage?
Marge:	Oh, no, Homer ...
Homer:	I have a problem.
Bart:		Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is 
		lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets 
		about Springfield's other adults.
Homer:	Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart:		And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer:	D'oh!
-- Homer:  The miniseries, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% At a town meeting, the auditorium is packed with Springfieldians.

Wiggum:	I've called this meeting to determine what to do about 
		those blabbermouth kids and their creepy English accents.
Otto:		[with a boom box] Hey, shut up, Mayor!  They're telling 
		secrets again.
Homer:	Oh, I hope they don't reveal that this is a comb-over!
Lisa:		Our top secret tonight:  gay divorcee Luann van Houten has 
		been cheating on her boyfriend Pyro ... with his best 
		friend Gyro.
Pyro:		How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro?  And this 
		is how you repay me?
		[the two take out large cushioned sticks and begin 
		fighting with each other]
Quimby:	Pyro!  Gyro!  Settle down!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Other townspeople suggest adult ways of dealing with the problem.

Mel:		Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter?
Patty:	Can't we just blow it up?
Hibbert:	You go ahead, girlfriend!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The people at the town meeting all begin talking loudly with each 
% other.  Quimby admonishes them to settle down.  According to him, 
% Wiggum is on the trail of the clandestine radio station, with the 
% aid of, "using the latest in crime fighting technology."
%
% Elsewhere in Springfield, Wiggum, with a horn to his ear, has his 
% head out his squad car.

Wiggum:	Aw, I got nothin'.  How 'bout you, Frinkie?
		[Professor Frink also has a giant horn to his ear, though 
		his is covered in electronic lights and doohickies]
Frink:	I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating 
		the vectors and compressing the data down in order to 
		express it as a function of my hand. [points] They're over 
		there!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Behind the billboard of Wiggum drinking coffee, Nelson and Milhouse 
% move a cable up and down, while Lisa speaks into Skinner's old 
% microphone.  Bart controls the signalboard, while Martin stands by.

Lisa:		And guess who's been practicing medicine without a 
		license?
		[at the town meeting, Dr. Hibbert begins to sweat and look 
		anxiously about.  Back behind the sign, Lisa finishes her 
		revelation]
Lisa:		That's right!  Homer Simpson!
Homer:	[off in distance] D'oh!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Back behind the sign, Wiggum shines a light on the kids and aims his 
% gun at them.

Wiggum:	Freeze, you little shock-jocks!
		[as the adults at the town meeting come to the scene, 
		and a few kids to boot, Professor Frink inspects the 
		kids' work]
Frink:	Brilliant!  They transduced amplitude modulation via the 
		concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance!  I 
		mean, that is some clever goyvin!
		[Wiggum talks to the kids, still on the ledge behind the 
		billboard, through a bullhorn]
Wiggum:	All right, kids, you can come down now.  We promise we 
		won't kill you.
Homer:	Bart, get down here!  I'm gonna spank you back to the 
		stone age!
Bart:		You can't make us come down.
Nelson:	You adults are always giving us orders.
Skinner:	Oh, you kids are always disobeying them.
Milhouse:	Adults treat kids like children!
Kirk:		Kids treat adults like cash machines!
Kids:		Adults!
Adults:	Kids!
Kids:		Adults!
Adults:	Kids!
Kids:		Adults!

Lovejoy:	[to the tune of "Kids"] Kids!  You've had your fun, 
		now we've had our fill.
Homer:	Yeah!  You're only here 'cause Marge forgot her pill.
		[Marge looks away and grumbles in embarrassment]
Wiggum:	Kids, you're all just scandalizing, vandalizing 
		punks.
Krusty:	Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [aside to 
		Allison] Please don't quit the fan-club!
Marge:	Kids!  I can nag and nag 'til my hair turns blue!
Edna:		Kids!  You bum my smokes and don't say 'thank you'!
Rod & Todd:	Why can't you be like we are?
		[the Flanders kids get pelted with tomatoes.
Adults:	Oh, what a bunch of brats!
Moe:		We oughta drown you just like cats!
		[Moe holds up a sack, from which Snowball II jumps 
		out]
Bart:		Adults!  You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!
Nelson:	Adults!  You strut around like your farts don't 
		stink!
Lisa:		Adults!  You're such a drooling, boring, boozing 
		boring bunch.  Surly, meany, three-martini lunchers 
		...
Ralph:	I just ate a thumbtack!
Milhouse:	Adults!  They're always telling us to ...
		[Jasper, Abe, and a group of elderly folks walk up to 
		the scene.  Abe lassoes Milhouse around the neck with 
		his cane]
Abe:		... shut your traps!
Jasper:	Eh ... we're fed up with all you whipper-snaps!
Elderlies:	We're tryin' to get some sleep here, it's almost six-
		fifteen!
		What's the matter with ...
Adults:	Don't you treat us like ...
Kids:		Can't you just lay off ...
Elderlies:	We're sick of all of you!
All:		Kids ... to ... day!
-- The "Kids" song, "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% The song ends with the three groups facing off against each other, 
% until the kids rejoin their parents against the elderly.

Abe:		We're gonna teach all of you rug-rats a lesson.
Homer:	Oh, yeah?  Pfft.  What can you old people do to us?
Krusty:	Yeah, you old fogies.
Moe:		Buzz off, you old buzzards.
Ralph:	Someone should iron you.
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Sometime later, the Simpson family watches TV in their living rooms 
% at night.

Brockman:	This is Kent Brockman reporting from ... my own home, in 
		accordance with the new curfew for anyone under seventy.
Marge:	Mmm ... I can't believe that passed.
Lisa:		I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record 
		numbers!
Brockman:	The controversial measure passed by a single vote.
Marge:	Oh, you really should have voted, Homer.
Homer:	Pfft, it wouldn't have made a difference.
Abe:		[from window, with flashlight] Lights out, you punk 
		kids!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% Abe walks back out onto Evergreen Terrace, where a group of his 
% fellow elderly people enjoy themselves.  A couple of them kick a can 
% about, which offends the Crazy Old Man, causing him to complain all 
% the way through the credits.

Crazy Old Man:		Hey fellas!  Hey, you wanna stop with the 
				kicking?  My pills are in that can!  Good 
				gravy, I don't kick your things ... when you're 
				trying to breathe on the machine, do I go up 
				and kick it?  Uh, now look at that, it went 
				down the sewer, you happy?  I'm gonna sue now!  
				Now it's time for the lawyers!
Gracie Films Lady:	Shh!
Crazy Old Man:		Oh, don't tell me to shush!  You stupid lady!
-- "Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"

% [End of Act Three.  Time (including credits):  20:47]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ag}  Andrew Gill
{ak}  Albert Kennedy
{al}  Andrew Levine
{bc}  Ben Collins
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cg}  Curtis Gibby
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{eac} Ellen Cohen
{gw}  Gary Wilson
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{jg}  Jeremy Gallen
{jg2} Joe Green
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jr}  Jason Rosenbaum
{js}  Jay Sherman
{mar} Mark Richey
{mr}  Matt Rose
{ms}  Mike Smith
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{ss}  Samuel Sklaroff
{tld} Travis D. McLemore
{tmh} Tyler McHenry
{tr}  Tom Rinschler

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 1999 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1999 John Ogan.  This capsule has been brought
to you by

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.