My Brother's Tutor

Fanscript

                                ACT ONE
 
SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY

Rise from black to closeup shot of Simpson's TV

                            ANNOUNCER

                Tonight, on UPN:  If you liked the hilarious

                antics of Dumb and Dumber and find serial killer

                jokes sidesplittingly funny, have we got the show

                for you. Jeff Daniels stars in: Dumb and Dahmer.
 
Two guys sitting on couch eating, one dumb and the other a
pale Jeff Dahmer look-alike.

                            DAHMER

                (Hannibal Lecter-like lip smacking) I love

                Chinese.
                            DUMB GUY

                You mean Chinese food.

                            DAHMER

                (Tugging collar nervously)  Uh, yeah.

                            ANNOUNCER

                UPN. Please watch, we have families too you know.
 
Picture changes to Kent Brockman at the newsdesk.

                            BROCKMAN

                Welcome back. Later in our broadcast:  Shock talk

                shows, are they destroying our nation's moral

                fabric?  In our studio, two lesbian strippers, a

                clinically insane drifter, and a hermaphroditic

                eskimo debate the issue.  But first:  parents in

                Springfield have long suspected that their

                children are far, far below average academically.

                The signs were everywhere.
 
A video: Ralph Wiggum at a podium.

                            BROCKMAN (V.O.)
 
                Poor spelling-B performance.

                            MALE VOICE (O.S.)

                The word is eclectic.
 
Long pause with Ralph at podium, then finally...

                            RALPH

                I feel itchy all over.

A video: Milhouse standing on a table next to a crude paper
mache volcano.

                            BROCKMAN (V.O.)

                Lackluster Science Fairs.

                            MILHOUSE

                Behold the mighty power of Pele!

Pours the contents of a box into the top of the volcano,
which fizzes up and spills all over the floor.

                            SKINNER

                (disinterested) Excellent work Milhouse. Possibly

                the finest baking soda and vinegar volcano here

                today.
 
Camera pans the school gym showing hundreds of paper mache
volcanoes with a loud background fizzing noise audible.

                            BROCKMAN (V.O.)

                And the highest incidence outside Texas of

                children falling down abandoned wells.
 
A video: Shot of field/forest scene with tens of visible
wells and pipes sticking up from the ground with legs and
arms poking out of some. Gentle sobbing and tiny shouts of
"Mommy" and "I'm thirsty" on audio.

BACK TO STUDIO

                            BROCKMAN

                But now, as if we needed further proof that most

                of our youngsters are destined for the

                slaughterhouse floors and industrial kitchens of

                tommorow's America, today the Department of

                Education released a report showing Springfield

                public schools falling dead last in the state on

                standardized tests.  Now I don't want to be a

                Johnny-I-told-you-so, but viewers will recall my

                vocal objections some years ago when a few

                "scientists" (making finger quotes) suggested

                that expectant mothers refrain from alcohol

                consumption.  Well, we tried it their way and we

                have just as many retards now as ever.  So, to

                all the moms-to-be out there let me just say:

                Nothing satisfies those pregnacy cravings like a

                soothing draft of Dan Farmington's Old-Fashioned

                Kentucky Bourbon.

Brockman retrieves a bottle and shotglass from under the 
newsdesk, pours a shot, and downs the contents.

                            BROCKMAN (CONT'D)

                MMMmmm, smooth as velvet.
 
BACKSTAGE - LATER

A sleazy corporate guy hands Brockman a case of liquor
bottles.

                            SLEAZY CORPORATE GUY

                Thanks Mr. Brockman.

                            BROCKMAN

                Just happy to do my part for more informed TV

                viewing.

DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - LATER

Homer sitting in car at red light listening to Allman
Brother's Jessica on the radio and humming along.  Two high
school guys and their girlfriends in a Camero pull up next to
him. Industrial rock blasts from their stereo.  The driver
gives Homer a sideways sneer and revs his engine.  Homer does
the same. Now both engines are being reved high.  We see the
intersecting stoplight change from green to yellow and
finally to red as the tension builds. Green light and Camero
Boy drops his transmission and takes off in a cloud of smoke.
A generic Old Lady with Walker is crossing the street and dives 
to get out of the way.  Homer shifts, the car lurches forward, and 
the engine dies.

                            HOMER

                Doh! (Starts it, shifts, it dies) Doh! (over and
                over)
 
POV Police Chief Wiggum as he sits in his patrol car on the
cross street with his feet up watching Homer's car lurch
across the intersection.

                            WIGGUM

                That's some mighty sad drag racing.

PRINCIPAL SKINNER'S OFFICE - DAY

Lisa, Martin, the twins, and some of the other Springfield
nerds are standing around.

                            SKINNER

                You six are the only students who correctly

                filled in the ovals for your names on our recent

                standardized test.  I've called you here because

                I'm instigating a tutoring program to help the

                unfortunate students who are slipping through

                the cracks of our educational system.

                            NERD

                (nasal)  You are referring to the massive fissure

                in the parking lot?

Cut to: shot of parking lot.  A wooden plank spans a six-foot
wide gaping trench which cuts across the schoolyard. Students
carefully edge across the plank. Bart and a group of kids are
lined up right to the edge, all holding onto a rope which
descends into the darkness.

                            BART

                (Shouting into the abyss) Milhouse, do you see the

                ball yet? (pause) Milhouse?

                            MILHOUSE

                (very faint) Bart, I don't think I'm alone down

                here! (slithering sounds)
 
BACK TO SKINNER'S OFFICE

                            SKINNER

                No, I was refering to the metaphorical cracks in

                the system. Unfortunately, the budget is tight so

                we can't afford to hire any experienced tutors,

                and the teachers spend most of their free time

                grading papers and drafting lesson plans.

Cut to: Outside shot of door to teacher's lounge. We hear
Funky Cold Madina from inside and through the frosted glass
see figures dancing around. 

                            SOMEONE

                (EXCLAIMS) "Edna, you've got to give me the

                recipe for this Sangria!"
 
BACK TO SKINNER'S OFFICE

                            SKINNER
 
                Therefore, I was hoping some of you might like to

                volunteer to help your more dim-witted

                classmates.

                            LISA

                Peer tutoring sounds like a wonderful idea.  It's

                the perfect activity to plump out those community

                service blanks on college applications.
 
Pause, with everyone staring at Lisa.

                            LISA (CONT'D)

                (chuckling nervously)  That is, when we start

                worrying about college.

                            SKINNER

                Well great! Let's match you up with someone from

                our large pool of dumm...ah, academically

                challenged students. Here's a charming lad from

                the fourth grade, but you shouldn't have any

                problem with the coursework. He goes by numerous 

	aliases, but you probably know him as Bart Simpson.

                            LISA

                (shocked) Bart! You want me to tutor my brother?

                But, but he's untutorable!

                            SKINNER

                Pish posh, he just needs a little guidance in...

                (looking at Bart's file)...math, composition,

                American History...well, essentially everything

                but phy ed and lunch.  No, wait, make that lunch

                only.

NEIGHBORHOOD - LATER

Homer is driving through the neighborhood

                            HOMER

                Oop, almost home.
 
He blares the horn repeatedly and leans out the window to
yell.

                            HOMER

                Bart!  Marge!  I'm a'comin'!
 
Cut to Simpson kitchen

                            MARGE

                Sounds like your Dad's back from work.

                            BART

                I'll handle it today.

Bart walks to garage, props an old mattress against the far
wall, and stacks some tires in front of it.
 
Back to Homer in car.  A cinderblock tied to a chain sits on
the seat next to him and the chain is attached to the rear
bumper.  Homer heaves the block out the passenger-side window
and it drags along behind, tearing up the asphalt

                            HOMER

                Now for phase two.
 
He grabs a two by four from the back seat, leans out the
window, and jams the board between the front tire and the
wheelwell.  Terrible squealing noise.
 
Bart POV from inside garage. Homer cruises up driveway
slowly, holding board in place and dragging the cinderblock.
The car coasts into the garage and strikes the padded wall
with some force. Homer's head snaps forward and blats the
horn, but he gets out unfazed.

                            BART

                Brakes still not working Dad?

                            HOMER

                (Grunt and dismissive wave)

                            MARGE

                (peaks head in)  You told me you were going to

                get the car fixed today.

                            HOMER

                It's such a minor inconvience I just keep

                forgetting all about it.

He forcibly prys the board out of the wheelwell and one side
has a solid black rubber coating.
 
BART'S ROOM - LATER

Lisa and Bart present.

                            LISA

                If I'm going to tutor you, I'll need to

                familiarize myself with your textbooks.

                            BART

                In this age of digital multimedia, are textbooks

                really relevant anymore?

                            LISA

                Come on Bart, I'm serious.

Bart hops off bed and pulls it away from wall.  Underneath is
a pile of junk.  Bart digs into it and eventually pulls out a
stack of books.

                            BART

                Here ya go, sis.

                            LISA

                Still in their original shrink wrap I see.

                            BART

                I was told they hold their value better if you

                don't open them.

                            LISA

                Now I talked to your teacher, and she said that

                you have an essay due tomorrow on what situations

                justify armed revolt.  How's that coming?

                            BART

                I'd say it's in the formative stages.

                            LISA

                You're going to work on it tonight though, right?

                            BART

                Can't do Lis.  Milhouse's mom bought him a potato

                gun and we're  going to break it in tonight down

                at the wharf.

                            LISA

                (plaintive)  But Bart, do you think the paper is

                just going to write itself?

                            BART

                That guy in church always says that all a miracle

                needs is a little faith. See ya tommorow sis.

He climbs out window.

BART'S ROOM - LATER

Lisa still in Bart's room pacing around and muttering.

                            LISA

                Stupid Bart, serves him right to fail.  Piddly

                little two-page essay.  And such an easy topic:

                When violent uprising is and isn't justified.  He

                could have talked about Ghandi and the nonviolent

                resistors or the French Revolution. Hmmm, I ought

                to write some of this down for when I take that

                class.
 
Shot of clock.  Five minutes pass.

                            LISA

                (Standing and stretching) Ehm, not the best

                ten-page persuasive essay I've ever written, but

                it does the job.

She stands, yawns deeply, and slogs out of room turning off
lights. The essay remains on the bed.

Time passes and we see the light in the room change to
morning light.  The window opens and Bart crawls back in
bleary-eyed.  He lays down and immediately from downstairs we
hear Marge calling, "Bart, the bus is waiting!".  Bart,
groaning, slides everything on the bed, pencils, books,
folders, and the essay, into his bag and slogs downstairs.

MECHANIC'S SHOP - DAY

Mechanic is talking to Homer by the family sedan.

                            MECHANIC
 
                Well, the bearings are shot, the tires are as

                bald as you are, and from what I can tell, it

                looks like you've been using discarded deep-fryer

                grease as a motor oil. 

They get down on all fours to examine the oil being drained
into a bucket. Homer sticks his finger into the stream and
licks it.

                            HOMER

                MMMmmmm, onion rings.  (Standing)  Look, how much

                is this all gonna cost me?

                            MECHANIC

                Let me put it this way:  you'd be better off

                buying a used car than trying to fix up this one.

                            HOMER

                (indignant) Oh really?  Well, when I want

                automobile advice, I'll consult a mechanic. Good

                day sir.

Jumps in car and turns key. Nothing happens.  Keeps trying
and trying.

                            MECHANIC

                Would you like us to put the spark plugs back in

                before you go?

                            HOMER

                (dignified) If you feel that's absolutely

                necessary.
 
KRABAPPEL'S CLASSROOM - DAY

                            KRABAPPEL

                Allright children, please hand in your essays.

                (Comes to Bart's desk).  Bart, shall I assume

                that your house burned down again, destroying

                your homework?

Bart pretends to frantically look through bag.

                            BART

                (pretending) I had it in here before. You know,

                that beady-eyed Lithuanian exchange student was

                hanging around my locker earlier.  I bet he stole

                it to use as...(Surprised) What the?... (pulls

                out stack of paper)

                            KRABAPPEL

                (reading) The Role of Violence in Social

                Movements:  A Historical Perspective.  Good Lord

                Bart, did you actually write this?

                            BART

                That all depends on how you define the word

                "did".

                            KRABAPPEL

                Bart, this reeks of fraud, but let me run it

                through my plagerism checker just to be sure.

Goes to computer and screen comes up with program intro
screen:  COPY CATch Plagerism Detection Software--"This
program is 14% novel code".  Krabappel types in a few lines
from Bart's paper.

                            KRABAPPEL

                Oh my, it's clean!  Well, this is a momentous day

                for our class. Even Nelson turned in an essay. 

                (Reading Nelson's essay)  When in the course of

                human events... (thoughtful) Now why does that

                sound so familiar?

CAR DEALERSHIP - DAY

Homer is in the market for a new car at a car dealership.
He gets out of the family sedan, walks a few paces, and a
greasy-looking salesman literally pops upward from behind him

                            SALESMAN

                I think I know what you want sir.

                            HOMER

                A peanut butter milkshake with oreos

                and sprinkles?
 
                            SALESMAN

                (Handing him a big cup) Here you go.
 
                            HOMER

                Wow.

The two starting walking though the lot.
                            
	             SALESMAN
 
                But I also know what you want in a car. You

                want something big and noisy, with a lot of

                power to compensate for your waning virility.

                            HOMER

                Oh yeahhhh.
 
                            SALESMAN

                An automobile that you wouldn't be ashamed to

                spend the night in when your wife kicks you out

                of the house for your oafish drunken behavior.

                            HOMER

                It's like you're reading my mind.  Wait a minute,

                are you one of those TV psychics?  Because I

                called your number and you said I'd finally find

                a diet that works for me.  You lied!

                            SALESMAN

                I'm no psychic, just observant.  Sir, I give you,

                the 1999 Ranchero Deluxe.

 A gleaming, big, black sport ute.

                            SALESMAN

                Sir, this has every feature you could possibly

                want in a transportation system, and hundreds

                of others you're too stupid to even think of.

                Hear that? 

Thumping on side panel of SUV.  

                            SALESMAN (CONT'D)

                That's two-inch plate steel.  Same stuff they

                use on the M1-Abrahms tank.  In this beauty you

                can smack pedestrians and Japanese cars with

                impunity and you still get nearly seven miles to

                the gallon highway.
 
 View from interior

                            SALESMAN

                The Ranchero employs active thermal cup holder

                technology to keep your coffee hot and soft

                drinks cold.

                            HOMER

                I really prefer to drink beer when I'm driving.

                            SALESMAN

                This is a nice feature.  With our extended

                service contract, the Ranchero comes with its own

                personal mechanic to fix those pesky court-

                ordered parts recalls.
 
Salesman pulls lever by rear seat, which begins rotating over
to reveal a pale mechanic crunched in a small hidden
compartment. He waves hello. Seat keeps rotating, taking the
man back underneath

                            MECHANIC

                (Dejected) Oh...

                            SALESMAN

                And of course front and side impact airbags are

                standard.  But here's the beauty part, these bags

                fill with chocolate pudding.

Pushes a button on a remote keypad and bags deploy with a
wet sploosh.  Bags come with straws embedded in them.  Homer
takes a suck and smiles.

                            HOMER

                MMMmmmm. (REVERENT) This is everything I've ever

                wanted from life.  How much? How much?

                            SALESMAN

                Sir, this vehicle is practically free.  With our

                Eternalease program, you can drive out of here

                today for two thousand down and easy monthly

                payments of 399 dollars.

                            HOMER

                Well, how long is the lease for?

Salesman punches numbers into calculator.

                            SALESMAN

                With this particular options package, thirty-seven

                years. But given your apparent physical condition,

                I'm guessing you won't live half that long.  Then

                your kids can get stuck with the payments.

                            HOMER

                (Sort of angry) That'll teach 'em. (Sad) But I

                don't have that kind of money.  Between food,

                clothes, and my Franklin Mint Collectible Doll

	addiction, I can barely afford to spend five hours 

	a night at Moe's.

Pointing at the family car, with Maggie sitting on the front
seat.
                            HOMER (CONT'D)

                What kind of trade in could I get?

Salesman walks over to car and begins examining Maggie.

                            SALESMAN

                Hmmm, healthy Caucasian infant.  No visible

                deformitities.  Given the current strength of the

                baby market, I could get you eight thousand

                dollars.

                            HOMER

                (Pensive) Really? (pause)  No, Marge is pretty

                attached to her.  How much for just the car?
 
Salesman looks at car and laughs.

                            SALESMAN

                Sir, I like your sense of humor. How'd you like

                to take the Ranchero for a quick test drive?

                            HOMER
 
                (One eye half-shut thinking) Test drive, eh?  Let

                me just move all my stuff into your car first.

Homer puts Maggie in Canyonero
 
	          SALESMAN

                And I'll need to hold your driver's license.
 
Homer hands salesman something from his wallet.

                            HOMER

                Of course.

                            SALESMAN

                Excuse me, this isn't a driver's license.  This

                is your picture pasted on a tornout piece of a

                Wheaties box!  And this isn't even your picture,

                it's Sammy Sosa!

                            HOMER

                Can I have the keys now?

SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY

KITCHEN

Simpson table at breakfast.

                            HOMER

                Ohhhh, cars are so expensive these days. Would

                one of you kids mind being mauled by a wolverine

                so we can sell the video to FOX?

                            LISA

                Dad, if you need an inexpensive car, why don't

                you check the classifieds?

                            HOMER

                Mmm, good idea. Let see (shuffling paper, then

                reading). "SGM, fun loving, enjoys reading Victor

                Hugo by firelight and beach volleyball."  Hey, me

                too!

                            LISA

                I think you'd better skip to the automobile

                section, Dad.

                            HOMER

                (ignoring her and still reading)  Oooh, this one

                sounds dreamy.
 
Lisa and Marge exchange worried glances.
 
KRABAPPEL'S CLASSROOM - DAY

                            KRABAPPEL

                Here are your graded essays class.  I derived

                about as much pleausure from reading them as you

                did from writing them. The notable exception was

                Bart Simpson's paper (comes to Bart's desk).

                Congratulations Bart, you got an A.

                            BART

                (puzzled but happy)  I always thought the grading

                scale only went up to C+.

SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER

Bart is at his locker when Nelson approaches.

                            NELSON

                (shoving Bart) Hey Einstein.

                            BART

                (nervously) Hey Nelson. What's up?

                            NELSON

                Well, the guys and I have always enjoyed beating

                you up, but in the past we felt a little guilty

                afterward because you came off as kind of a

                deliquent type. But now that we know you're a

                brainiac, we wanted to get you on a regular

                pummeling schedule immediately. (flipping open

                notepad)  How are Thursday afternoons for you?

                            BART

                Look, I didn't write that essay, my sister did.

                And I'm as much a rebel as ever.  Just this

                morning I covered the brushes on Groundskeeper

                Willy's floor buffer with 36 grit sandpaper.
 
Shot of gymnasium. Willy in center court standing by floor
buffer.

                            WILLIE

                Allright Bonny, Lut's have a little music tu work

                by.
 
Willy puts a cassette into a player strapped onto the machine.
Bagpipe music fills the gym. He flips the on switch and the
machine immediately bores a hole through the hardwood floor
and drags Willy down into the blackness. We hear a crash and
the music abruptly stops.

VERY TALL MAN'S DRIVEWAY - DAY

Homer and the Tall Man stand near the tiny subcompact from
TTSFAS.

                            HOMER

                So why are you selling it?

                            VTM

                My booming homemade birdfeeder business has

                allowed me to upgrade to a larger automobile. I

                found people often laughed at me when I drove

                this one.

                            HOMER

                Oh, because of your haircut.

                            VTM

                What?  No...because...

                            HOMER

                (interupting) The nerdy glasses?

                            VTM

                No!  Because I am of substantial height and this

                is a rather small car.  Would you like to get in?

Opens door.

                            HOMER

                Don't mind if I do.
 
We see Tall Man watching Homer get in, but we don't see Homer.
We hear him though, grunting, cursing, and such. Goes on for
several seconds. The horn blares once, then continues to
sound.

                            VTM

                Shall I call the fire department now?
 
Shot of Homer jammed into the car upside down and wedged
between seat and steering wheel, arms and legs bent all
directions at crazy angles.

                            HOMER

                (dignifed)  Please do, but be descreet.

KRUSTY THE KLOWN'S HOUSE - DAY

View from slightly above as Homer and Krusty stand in
driveway alongside a very goofy-looking clown car with
bright, swirled coloration and a big red clown nose for a
hood ornament.

                            KRUSTY

                I hate to get rid of her, but the station bought

                me a real cherry luxury automobile.  Finally I

                won't be embarassed to drive around town.

A large flatbed truck pulls up hauling a Texas oil
tycoon-sized clown car with equally bright swirled colors.

                            TRUCK DRIVER

                Krusty the Klown?

                            KRUSTY

                Hey Hey! 

He jumps onto truckbed by car.  He sticks his head in the
car's window and inhales deeply.

                            KRUSTY (CONT'D)

                Oh yeah, you can smell the class!

He turns a control and we see two clown flowers squirt window
washer fluid onto the windsheld.
 
HANS MOLEMAN'S CARHOLE - DAY

A vintage black Lincoln Continental sits inside.

                            MOLEMAN

                I haven't had it out of the garage for twenty

                years.

                            HOMER

                Wow, look at the size of this trunk!

                            MOLEMAN

                It has a trunk?

POV: inside trunk. Darkness and then trunk lifts, a dust
cloud drifts upward, and we see Homer and Moleman looking in. 
POV shifts to Homer and Moleman.  Inside trunk is a skeleton
in a molding suit.  In one corner are placards reading:
"Hoffa for IBT President--1975"

SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - DAY

Janie approaches Lisa at her locker.

                            JANIE

                Hi Lisa.  Say, ya know that book report due next

                week?

                            LISA

                Oh sure, I spent the weekend immersed in Kafka's

                The Metamorphosis. It's a short but 

	thought-provoking existentialist tract on man and 

	his role...
 
                            JANIE

                (interupting) Really?  Great.  Listen, I was

                wondering if you would be willing to write my

                report for me.

                            LISA

                What?!

                            JANIE

                I'll give you my Limited Edition Las Vegas

                Showgirl Malibu Stacy.

                            LISA

                But that's dishonest and a clear violation of the

                school policy book, Section five, paragraph three.

                            JANIE

                (upset) Oh, so you'll do your brother's homework

                but not your best friend's?

                            LISA

                Brot...What are you talking about?

                            JANIE

                Bart's been saying that you wrote an essay for

                his history class.

                            LISA

                (dawning realization) My essay!  That little

                sneak...
 
An older girl with an entourage walks up to Lisa.

                            GIRL

                Hi, are you Leslie Simpson?

                            LISA

                It's Lisa actually.

                            GIRL

                I'm Tammy Sherwin.

                            LISA

                Oh, I know. You're one of the most popular girls

                in school. Also, you made fun of my shoes last

                week.

                            GIRL

                (nostalgic) Oh yeah. But hey, that was only

                because we're such good friends.  Say Leslie,

                would you like to come over to my house after

                school? We could watch some videos, munch a

                little popcorn, maybe do some geometry.

                            LISA

                Well, I supp...
 
Good looking older boy walks up.

                            BOY

                Hi, are you Liz Sheenan?

                            LISA

                Lisa Simpson.

                            BOY

                Close enough. How are you at physics?

LISA'S ROOM - NIGHT

She sits on the bed next to a stack of papers writing
furiously.  The window is opened from the outside and Bart
crawls in.

                            BART

                (blinking) Aw damn, wrong room. Hey Lis, burning

                the two AM oil?

                            LISA

                (very haggard)  Just some homework I have to

                finish up before tommorow.

                            BART

                It's not like you to leave your schoolwork for

                the last minute.

                            LISA

                It's not mine, it's all other peoples'.  Eight

                essays, eleven book reports, forty-two worksheets,

                even a creative fingerpainting project.

She holds up paint-covered hands.

                            BART

                Why are you doing all this?

                            LISA

                Popularity. I'm getting invited over to all the

                cool kids' houses, going to all the "in" social

                functions, and my place in the lunchroom seating

                heirarchy has shot up meteorically in the last

                few days.

                            BART

                (holding up a paper)  You're trying to be popular

                with Ralph Wiggum?

                            LISA

                Well, it's not all about popularity. That would

                be shallow. I'm also doing it for fiduciary gain.

                I offer my services for a nominal fee, or barter

                when necessary.

                            BART

                (gape-mouthed) I have a whole new respect for you.

                            LISA

                Go ahead, rub it in; my conscious hasn't been

                trampled on enough already.

                            BART

                No, really.  Any craven coward can live an honest

                life. It takes real courage to cross over to the

                dark side. In fact, if you weren't my sister or

                if we lived in Arkansas I'd consider dating you.

                            LISA

                (disinterested) Gee, thanks.
 
Bart starts walking out, then pauses in doorway.

                            BART

                By the way, how...

                            LISA

                (interupting) The prices are posted on the wall

                behind you.
 
Bart turns and sees sheet with prices of various homework
items: reports, essays, etc.

SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - DAY

Lisa at her locker with Ralph.

                            LISA

                Here's your Curious George Goes to the Zoo review

                Ralph.  I wrote it in orange crayon and

                misspelled every fifth word so as not to arouse

                suspicion.

                            RALPH

                Thanks Lisa. Here's your pepper spray.  Are you

                sure Daddy said you could borrow it?

                            LISA

                (nervous) Oh...yeah, definitely.

She passes container behind her back to Nelson who slips her a
$10 bill.  Frame shifts over to Nelson stopping Martin Prince
in the hallway.

                            NELSON

                Hey Martin, want to smell my new French

                aftershave?

                            MARTIN

                (gaily) Delightful! Put just a dab on my wrist.
 
Nelson sprays a goodly amount on Martin's arm.  He sniffs it
deeply, turns beet red, covers his mouth, and dashes into the
bathroom.

                            NELSON

                Ha Ha!
 
BACK TO LISA AND RALPH

                            LISA

                Um, Ralph, one more thing. If the teacher asks

                you anything today, just say...
 
MS. HOOVER'S CLASSROOM - LATER

                            MS. HOOVER

                Class, you all did a wonderful job on your

                reading assignments.  Especially you Ralph.

                Despite the penmanship, poor grammer, and

                punctuation errors, I found some of your points

                quite insightful.  Would you care to elaborate on

                your main thesis for the class?

                            RALPH

                You look pretty today Ms. Hoover.

                            MS. HOOVER

                (blushing) Why thank you Ralph.  Now about your

                report...
 
                            RALPH

                You look pretty today Ms. Hoover.
 
SIMPSON KITCHEN - DAY

                            MARGE

                Homer, I'm worried about Lisa. I had to pratically

                drag her out of bed this morning.  And then she

                decided to nap during breakfast while absorbing

                the nutrients through her face.
 
Wider shot of table shows Lisa asleep face down in a cereal
bowl breathing through a plastic straw. Whistling sounds are
audible as she inhales.

                            HOMER

                (amazed) Hey...that's a great idea. Why didn't I

                think of that?
 
Shot of Homer's head.

                            HOMER'S BRAIN

                Don't look at me, I've been on strike since 1986.
 
Tight shot on Marge.

                            MARGE
 
                I'm really concerned Homer.  You don't think it

                could be...(lowers voice)...drugs, do you? Homer?
 
Homer sits with his face in a plate of syrup-covered pancakes.

                            HOMER

                (mumbled) I have found Nirvana.
 
MS. HOOVER'S CLASSROOM - DAY

                            HOOVER

                Class dismissed. Lisa, would you mind staying

                after?
 
Lisa trudges up to Hoover's desk.

                            HOOVER

                Lisa, I've noticed that your grades and

                participation have been steadily dropping over

                the past week, which is even more perplexing

                since many of your classmates have made dramatic

                improvements lately. Of course, I have to assume

                you are on drugs of some kind.

                            LISA

                (dog-tired looking) No, no, it's not drugs, but I

                do have a confession to make.  My conscious won't

                let me live with this any longer, and even if I

                could, all these caffeine pills are giving me

                heart palpitations. The reason the other students

                have been doing better is that I've been doing

                their homework for them. I haven't had enough

                spare time to do my own very well.

                            HOOVER

                (shocked) Why would you do such a thing?

                            LISA

                (disgustedly) The usual reasons: fame and fortune.

                Essays, reports, I'd do anything menial task to make

	friends or money.  

                            HOOVER

                (slowly and thoughtfully)  Lisa, I'm very

                disappointed in you. (pause) Speaking in a

                strictly hypothetical sense, if a certain teacher

                had offered to give you straight A's if you wrote

                and graded her tests for the rest of the year,

                how would you have responded?

                            LISA

                A week ago, I probably would have accepted.  But

                I'm back on the high road now.

                            HOOVER

                (under her breath) Damn! (to Lisa) Well good, but

                you must be punished.  Go to the principal's

                office immediately.
 
SKINNER'S OFFICE - LATER

                            SKINNER

                Lisa, for your flagrant violation of the Code of

                Tutoring Ethics, I have decided to punish you by

                making you fill out the school's invoices,

                requisition requests, and bascially all other

                trifling paperwork for a period of six months.

He drops a folder of forms onto the desk.

                            SKINNER

                You can get started on these.  And remember, sign

                everything "Seymour Skinner".

SEMI-RURAL ROAD - DAY

Chief Wiggum is driving along with a grocery bag on the seat
next to him. He hums the tune to Jessica while removing the 
contents of the bag:  a box of donuts and a bag of sugar.

                          WIGGUM
 
	What kind of sucker pays more for powdered 

	donuts when you can just eat plain donuts and

	powdered sugar?

Shot of Homer driving along same road in opposite direction.

Back in cruiser, Wiggum takes a bite from a donut and then tears 
an end from the sugar bag with his teeth.  He holds the bag 
above his mouth and tips it to pour out the contents, but a rush 
of sugar shoots out and covers his face.  Wiggum squeals like a
surprised pig.
 
POV: Homer. He sees the cruiser coming towards him, swerving
in and out of its lane.  He screams and hastily tosses the
cinderblock out the half-open window, shattering the glass.

Inside the cruiser, Wiggum, blinded, yanks the wheel hard
left. The car flips over several times and winds up on its
top, skidding towards Homer, who has managed to stop with the
aid of his stopping board.  The flipped cruiser skids very
slowly up to Homer's car and just barely taps the front
bumper. First, the sedan's muffler falls to the ground. Then
both bumpers. Then the side panels. The hood and trunk pop
open, the radiator bursts, all the windows spiderweb and fall
in, then silence for a few beats.  Then all four tires
simultaneouly blow out.
 
Wiggum crawls out of his overturned and burning car and walks
up to Homer.

                            WIGGUM

                Wow. You'd think the first twenty or thirty

                accidents would teach me not to eat and drive.

                            HOMER

                O, but what man is strong enough to resist the

                temptation?

                            WIGGUM

                (as gas tank explodes) Donut?

Homer, of course, accepts.

Later at same scene.  Fire crews have foamed both cars.  A
tow truck pulls up.

                            TOW TRUCK DRIVER

                Hi Chief, flipped it again, eh?

                            WIGGUM

                It was a pastry-related incident.

                            MECHANIC

                Ok, you sir (nodding towards Homer), I'll need

                your insurance info.

                            WIGGUM

                Oh, you can put him on my tab.

                            HOMER

                Well, that wraps everything up rather neatly.

                            WIGGUM

                (to Homer) We can either catch a ride with this

                guy (gesturing at tow truck) or walk back into

                town.

They look at each other seriously for a moment, and then
burst into laughter.

                            HOMER

                (laughing hard) Walk!  That's a good one!

Shot of Homer, Wiggum, and Tow Truck Driver inside tow truck
starting back home and then truck heading off into sunset. We
still hear the dialog inside.

                            HOMER

                Walkers are such losers.

                            WIGGUM

                Oh, I know! You ever pull up to hitchhikers and

                ask em directions just for fun?

                            HOMER

                No, I usually just throw stuff.  Say, do you have

                any of those donuts left?

                            WIGGUM

                (sad) No. (happy) But hey, wait, I just found a

                burrito in my pistol holster. Huh, I wonder where

                that gun went.

                            HOMER

                Can I have part of that?

                            WIGGUM

                Well, since I almost killed you, you can have

                one bite.

Sound of Homer chomping.

                            WIGGUM

                Hey, Hey! That's a big bite, don't make me use my

                Taser. Let it go.  That's it, you're getting

                Tased. (pause) Hey, another burrito.
 
Truck diminishes to speck on the horizon as the beginning 
of Jessica plays.