Sports Games

Argh! Bloody sports games! What's the sodding point, eh? The only reason sport was invented was to try and kid fat people into thinking that they were having fun when they were actually exercising. I mean, take away the fringe benefit that sports might stop you from having a massive myocardial infarction quite so soon and you end up with a genre which seems to serve no purpose except to promote sales of joysticks as you waggle the shit out of the poor bastards! F*CKERS!

Wimbledon '97 - By Alan Moore

If you ask me Tennis is a waste of time for all concerned. Not only does it completely screw up the TV schedules resulting in quality stuff like Buffy The Vampire Slayer getting shoved back by 3 weeks but it just isn't interesting at all. So for me the only possible thing that could be conceived as a highlight where the bloody game is concerned is when the heavens open and Mother Nature decides to unleash all of her wet fury upon the grass. In this game (which only loosely fits into the Sports category - like I actually give a damn) you are in charge of tugging the cover (oo-er) over the grass when it tips it down. And that's about it.

Truly crap.

Plus 3 Tennis 2 - By Damion Yates

Well, just to sate those fools who actually enjoy a game of racket-based ball-thwacking here's something to keep you shut up during the 49 weeks of the year when the weather's too shitty to actually play the game properly.

Like the real game, this is utterly pointless and weighing in at a massive 49,179 bytes finds itself in the unenviable position of being a marginally more criminal waste of hard-drive space than a text file containing the word "SPAM" precisely twelve thousand, two hundred and ninety-four and three quarter times.

GRRR! YOU PEOPLE MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL! YOU REALLY DO!

Cantona Football - By Ian Coates

Y'know, this is another game that gets my goat. Not just because of it's mind-numbingly boring nature but because of all the other things that are wrong with it; For a start, why's it called "The Beautiful Game"? Have they ever seen XXXX XXXX? And the amount of money the players make, eh? Even shite ones in millionth division clubs get paid a fortune being slightly more talented than a the cast of the PG Tips adverts.

Gack! It's just all wrong! Which leads me nicely onto this game, which only falls into the Sports category by dint of the word "Football" in the title. In actual fact the goal (ho ho) of the game is to get you (Eric Cantona) to kick the heads in of various other players. And that's it.

What can I say in it's defence? Well, at least it doesn't take too long to finish...