Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it's all over much too soon.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else.

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?

A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman...

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing—between five, it's fantastic.

Sex is dirty—only when it's done right.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.