Old Age - Getting old - birthday quotes

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 Old age - getting old - birthday quotes

All quotes are copyright Stuart Macfarlane - please do not copy use without permission.

Ageing breaks all the rules of arithmetic – as you add on years you subtract hair, teeth and beauty.

Wisdom doesn’t come with age – senility just makes it seem so.

There are numerous advantages in being fifty – ask any eighty year old!!!

At fifty you’ve accumulated the knowledge and wisdom of half a century. This would be a tremendous asset if only darned senility hadn’t wiped your memory bank.

Maturity : The exchange of youth, fun and happiness for slippers, a pipe and the false appearance of wisdom.

Fifty and wise or eighteen and foolish? If only there were a choice!!

The more an oldie attempts to be cool and ‘with it’ the greater the contempt they generate amongst youngsters. 

Now that you’re an oldie you will receive the same amount of respect that you showed oldies when you were young – none.

You know you’ve lost all creditability with your children when they start to buy you socks and slippers for your birthday.

Children are a blessing as you grow old. The continually find new and ever more affectionate ways of addressing you - ‘baldie’, ‘four-eyes’, ‘wrinkly  . . . . .’

Having children makes you mature more quickly – for each of their years you age by two.

Maintain a healthy contempt for youth, it is life’s natural medicine making old age much more tolerable.

The only way to relieve the frustration of being fifty-something is to constantly seek new ways of irritating the young. Fortunately in old age, you develop the ability to do this naturally in every single thing you do or say.

Being fifty takes stamina and endurance that even youth doesn’t offer.

Having grandchildren is just like having children – only you get to worry twice as much.

There is no greater moment than when your young grandchild looks straight into your face and for the first time says ‘Baldie, baldie, baldie . . . . .’

You know you’re getting past it when rather that going to car showrooms you enjoy wandering around zimmer frame showrooms looking for the latest sporty model.

You know that your really old if you can remember the pyramids being constructed.

A sure sign you’ve reached true oldie status is being declared a ‘Wonder of the Ancient World’.

An indication that you’re getting on in years is that you are frequently visited by antique dealers desperate to buy all that furniture which was ultra modern when you first bought it.

You know you’re getting old when the only way to accurately tell your age is by carbon dating.

When you’re fifty-something children innocently ask you if you had a pet dinosaur when you were young.

You realise you’re really old when you can read about yourself in history books.

You know you’re ancient when museums display items from your youth.

It’s a sure sign that you’re antiquated if you go to a gallery of modern art expecting to see landscapes and portraits.

Your fifties is the stage in your life when you become mature, reliable and dependable. In other words, boring, predictable and conventional.

Don’t give up enthusiasm for life just because you’ve reached the grand age of fifty. Do something outrageous and crazy – take up fly tying or stamp collecting.

Fifty! Now is the time to make your mark on the world – explore the Antarctic or become an astronaut. Make your mind up to take on exciting new challenges  - straight after your afternoon nap.

Do something really wild and shocking today – wear your cardigan inside out.

In your fifties time becomes precious and must not to be wasted - every minute is an excellent opportunity for a good nap.

At fifty you finally mature and give up all your vices -  grudgingly!!

Helpful Tips for the over 50s

Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.

Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.

Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.

Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.

Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.

Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.

Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.

No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.

Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.

Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!

Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.

Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.

Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.

Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.

Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.

Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.

Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.

The positive side of being an oldie.

You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.

You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.

Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.

You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.

You have survived the humiliation of middle age.

You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.

You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.

You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.

You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.

You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.

Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.

You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.

Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.