4
Where would I go, if I could go, who would I be, if I could be, what
would I say, if I had a voice, who says this, saying it's me? Answer
simply, someone answer simply. It's the same old stranger as ever, for
whom alone accusative I exist, in the pit of my inexistence, of his, of
ours, there's a simple answer. It's not with thinking he'll find me,
but what is he to do, living and bewildered, yes, living, say what he
may. Forget me, know me not, yes, that would be the wisest, none better
able than he. Why this sudden affability after such desertion, it's easy
to understand, that's what he says, but he doesn't understand. I'm not
in his head, nowhere in his old body, and yet I'm there, for him I'm
there, with him, hence all the confusion. That should have been enough
for him, to have found me absent, but it's not, he wants me there, with
a form and a world, like him, in spite of him, me who am everything,
like him who is nothing. And when he feels me void of existence it's of
his he would have me void, and vice versa, mad, mad, he's mad. The truth
is he's looking for me to kill me, to have me dead like him, dead like
the living. He knows all that, but it's no help his knowing it, I don't
know it, I know nothing. He protests he doesn't reason and does nothing
but reason, crooked, as if that could improve matters. He thinks words
fail him, he thinks because words fail him he's on his way to my
speechlessness, to being speechless with my speechlessness, he would
like it to be my fault that words fail him, of course words fail him. He
tells his story every five minutes, saying it is not his, there's
cleverness for you. He would like it to be my fault that he has no
story, of course he has no story, that's no reason for trying to foist
one on me. That's how he reasons, wide of the mark, but wide of what
mark, answer us that. He has me say things saying it's not me, there's
profundity for you, he has me who say nothing say it's not me. All that
is truly crass. If at least he would dignify me with the third person,
like his other figments, not he, he'll be satisfied with nothing less
than me, for his me. When he had me, when he was me, he couldn't get rid
of me quick enough, I didn't exist, he couldn't have that, that was no
kind of life, of course I didn't exist, any more than he did, of course
it was no kind of life, now he has it, his kind of life, let him lose
it, if he wants to be in peace, with a bit of luck. His life, what a
mine, what a life, he can't have that, you can't fool him, ergo it's not
his, it's not him, what a thought, treat him like that, like a vulgar
Molloy, a common Malone, those mere mortals, happy mortals, have a
heart, land him in that shit, who never stirred, who is none but me, all
things considered, and what things, and how considered, he had only to
keep out of it. That's how he speaks, this evening, how he has me speak,
how he speaks to himself, how I speak, there is only me, this evening,
here, on earth, and a voice that makes no sound because it goes towards
none, and a head strewn with arms laid down and corpses fighting fresh,
and a body, I nearly forgot. This evening, I say this evening, perhaps
it's morning. And all these things, what things, all about
me, I won't deny them any more, there's no sense
in that any more. If it's nature perhaps it's trees and birds, they go
together, water and air, so that all may go on, I don t need to know the
details, perhaps I'm sitting under a palm. Or it's a room, with
furniture, all that's required to make life comfortable, dark, because
of the wall outside the window. What am I doing, talking, having my
figments talk, it can only be me. Spells of silence too, when I listen,
and hear the local sounds, the world sounds, see what an effort I make,
to be reasonable. There's my life, why not, it is one, if you like, if
you must, I don't say no, this evening. There has to be one, it seems,
once there is speech, no need of a story, a story is not compulsory,
just a life, that's the mistake I made, one of the mistakes, to have
wanted a story for myself, whereas life alone is enough. I'm making
progress, it was time, I'll learn to keep my foul mouth shut before I'm
done, if nothing foreseen crops up. But he who somehow comes and goes,
unaided from place to place, even though nothing happens to him, true,
what of him? I stay here, sitting, if I'm sitting, often I feel sitting,
sometimes standing, it's one or the other, or lying down, there's
another possibility, often I feel lying down, it's one of the three, or
kneeling. What counts is to be in the world, the posture is immaterial,
so long as one is on earth. To breathe is all that is required, there
is no obligation to ramble, or receive company, you may even believe
yourself dead on condition you make no bones about it, what more
liberal regimen could be imagined, I don't know, I don't imagine. No pomt
under such circumstances in saying I am somewhere else, someone else,
such as I am I have all I
need to hand, for to do what, I don't know, all I have to do, there I am
on my own again at last, what a relief that must be. Yes, there are
moments, like this moment, when I seem almost restored to the feasible.
Then it goes, all goes, and I'm far again, with a far story again, I
wait for me afar for my story to begin, to end, and again this voice
cannot be mine. That's where I'd go, if I could go, that's who I'd be,
if I could be. |
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