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Bad Vlad:
Fashion Attack at Turin!
By Robert T. Tuohey


At the 36th Chess Olympiad in Turin, Italy (heretofore notable only for its shroud), Vladimir Kramnik resorted not to his Berlin Wall but rather his clothes stall. In an entirely new approach to chess strategy, non-sartorial Kramnik remarked he would, “Bore ’em, then floor ’em!”  And so he did.

     

I’m too sexy to wear a tie,” said the big man.

This reporter ironically notes that his crapulous contemporaries, intoxicated with the games (if not one too many beers), made the pitiful blunder of examining the moves for Kramnik’s success.  Wrong, again, you potzers!  Rather it was the “Big K Fashion Attack” (a.k.a. The Turin Shroud).

Let’s go to the photo report:

VK versus Naiditsch

“You’re gonna dance, suit-boy!” said the blue-jeaned giant.  And in 33 moves, Naiditsch hung up his Brooks Brothers threads.
 

Bu Xiangzhi, with fashion-sense and chess defense as solid as the Great Wall, managed a draw in 43.  Who said that Yao Ming was the only Chinese who “got game”?
 

Lev “Lover-Boy” Aronian tried to “get stupid” with lumberjack fashion. Big Vlady knew an Armenian insult when he saw it and body-slammed Romeo in 37. (See Note 2.)
 

“Hey, Ivan,” sneered Vlad the Impaler, “See this bicep?”  Sokolov, seen here in peek-a-boo defense mode, agreed to a draw in 18.
 

“I can wear plain stuff, too,” sniffed Aleksandrov, wiping a tear from his eye.  “Not when you play me, punk!”  1-0 ~ in 18 moves!
 

Surprisingly, Bacrot negotiated a draw in 34.  When asked how he did it, he said, “I appealed to Kramnik’s fashion sense: I dressed as if for my own funeral.”
 

Vasyl “Little Dragon” Ivanchuk took the sporty tact by playing the “Reverse-colors Game-of-Death-tracksuit gambit”.  This seldom-seen variation paid-off with a draw in 16.
 

“I’m wearing this golden tie for you, golden boy,” said uncompromising Kamsky.  “Smile when you say that,” replied the big man.  Gata didn’t.  A hard fought draw in 50.
 

“The Red Baron” Bruzon crashed and burned in 32 moves: “I hope it teaches him a lesson”, said Kramnik.  “Don’t wear the shirt if you can’t take the hurt.”
 

Notes

  1. All photos are from the ever-tolerant people at chessbase.com

  2. If this didn’t make you laugh, try this: http://www.chessbase.com/eventarticle.asp?newsid=3108

  3. Just to prove that I actually did follow this event (i.e., that I’m not completely making this up), here are Kramnik’s nine games from Turin (PGN).
     

The lovely and talented Alexandra Kosteniuk secretly admiring Kramnik from afar:  “I wish I could dress like Vlady…”

Ah, Sasha, don’t we all…


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