Confessions of a travelling non-dom
O’ar Pali says it isn’t easy being on planes next to strangers all the time — and you quickly find there are a series of character types, dying to tell you about themselves
Perhaps it goes with the territory: if you have decided to live your life between two countries you must accept the consequences. And no, I am not talking about Darling’s taxation treat. I am referring to what most non-doms endure on a monthly if not weekly basis. While the average UK citizen may undergo the travel dilemma a few times a year, usually during the summer and winter holidays, entitling them to complain about Heathrow’s Terminal 5, non-doms have been forced to evolve past such trivialities. Over many flights we have not only had our bags lost, mangled or sent to Uganda, but been stripped down to our bare essentials and made to hop on one foot while the sole of the other one is being examined. More importantly, though, we have been tamed to the point where we have learned amicably to accept our airborne neighbours. Personally, I have become an expert on the man seated next to me.
I have met the annoying Pseudo-philosophers who think that Nietzsche’s death has left them a vacancy and make it their mission to convert you to their way of life during the flight. The Sleaze, who assumes that because you are a female and happen to be seated next to him, you must be impatiently waiting for his round of unoriginal chat-up lines — ‘You are the spitting image of a French tutor I fancied back in my school days. Parlez-vous français?’
The Travel Guru, usually under 35 years old, has travelled the world and is dying to share his experiences with you; whether you are interested or not is of little importance. (Beware: it is often the case that this type does not bathe regularly.) The ‘And Then’ neighbour is easily spotted as he will usually ask the flight attendants a thousand questions before taking his seat. My best advice is: avoid eye contact. If you speak or pretend to speak no English they will probably try your native tongue, and that can be more painful than if they spoke plain English. I recently had some older English chap scream pigeon Italian to me all the way to Rome. Sadly, Italian is one of those languages that everyone thinks they speak a little of, so the ‘sorry, no speaka English’ method may prove more effective if your lingua franca is Mandarin.
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Max
August 28th, 2008 11:24amDear oh dear, the Speccie really is scraping the barrel during August. I wonder if the stories gained or lost in the re-telling? Whichever, I can understand why the writer was bored.
CharlieRay15
August 28th, 2008 2:37pmI would be interested to learn more about pigeon Italian, particularly because I was under the impression that the Italians blast anything feathered out of the sky as soon as it enters their airspace.
David Short
August 29th, 2008 8:35amVery dull. Who commissions these dimwitted young lady 'writers' who have plagued the Spectator over the last couple of years?
Holden
August 29th, 2008 3:57pmA very well written piece, I've experienced a few of these "frequent flier hazards" myself. I got a very good laugh out of it, good way to start the day.
Interesting to see how quickly people like "David Short" criticize writers considering most of these people wouldn't get anything they've ever written printed in a Grade School newspaper, the witless pillocks to a man that they are.
David Short
August 29th, 2008 9:09pmHolden, I think, is a Spectator hidie.
He knows I am a hugely successful international publisher, editor and international diplomat.
He can't even be bothered to make his contribution make sense.
Phew!
Any chance that he might have the courage to give his identity, as I have?
David Short
August 29th, 2008 9:14pmWho 'starts the day' at three minutes before in the afternoon?
Tell us who you are, Holden.
I don't hide, why do you?
D Short
August 29th, 2008 9:19pmDumb, dumb,dumb, dumb,dumb
Commissioned by an old Scottish bachelor.
Joe Camel
August 30th, 2008 1:06amBeing a dom or non-dom or anything else doesn't seem to have much to do with it. Nevertheless, I look forward one day, who knows, to being placed next to Ms. Pali on a flight to somewhere or other.
prinkipo71
August 30th, 2008 10:57pmGood lord first Venetia Thompson and now this rubbish? Please can we keep these vacuous airhead witterings out of the magazine.
Alex
August 31st, 2008 4:21pmVery funny.
Who are all these pathetic people wasting time out of their day to criticize the article with their pseudo-intellectual comments?
Get a life kiddies, let the adults speak.
Paul M
August 31st, 2008 11:31pmHa ha. I tend to get the Pseudo-philosophers. Maybe it is because I am a boring Business-type...
D Short
September 1st, 2008 6:52amIs it coincidence that 'Holden' and 'Alex' who both defend the 'writer', also use the word 'critize' in their text, and use the OED correct version with a 'z'?
Are they the same person?
This took 20 seconds to write.
Not much 'wasted time'.
Anon
September 1st, 2008 9:25amVery witty piece by Ms Pali. I particularly like the characterisation of the types of neighbour the travel guru comes across. Hopefully we will be seeing more from this writer.
Anon
September 1st, 2008 9:27amVery witty piece by Ms Pali. I particularly like the characterisation of the types of neighbour the travel guru comes across. I hope we will be seeing more from this writer.
Seb
September 1st, 2008 11:10amJust got off a plane this morning and was told by a colleague to read this piece by the new Spec contributor. I think it is a very funny and well written piece and don't understand what all the fuss is about from some of these postings, unless it is part of the usual hazing offered to new female contributors. Chin up sweetheart, you have talent!
Kirsty B
September 1st, 2008 12:12pmRefreshing to read something that is not about Obama for a change. And definitely more relevant to my summer!
Karen
September 1st, 2008 12:21pmI thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Goes to show we need more women writers at the Specie. Wonderful article.
Karen
September 1st, 2008 12:22pmPS: I can see why Ms. Pali stopped eating mangos... x
D Short
September 1st, 2008 12:47pmNow that I am middle-aged and no longer wish to pick up young women on planes, I never speak a word to my neighbour.
Hideo
September 1st, 2008 2:44pmFunny Article. Some one attempted to speak Japanese to me on a flight to Chicago. I couldn't call it pigeon Japanese, since the Pigeon would've done better.
Also, Mr. Short, you couldn't pick up women.. plane or not. Who is that annoying rambling toddler anyway?
Helly
September 1st, 2008 4:01pmI think I have met the mango dude...
Or maybe the people we meet on planes really do tell the same stories?? Fun piece in any case.
Brian63
September 1st, 2008 5:57pmGood piece. One of the reasons why I subscribe to the Spectator is that it manages to combine serious opinion pieces (handy as amunition to debate the politicos I work with!), with fun light-hearted articles like this one. The Economist or the daily press do not cater to that need. Way to go Specy and good luck Ms. Pali!
David Short
September 1st, 2008 10:34pmHideo, I don't know if I could pick up young women on planes any more, because I don't want to.
I used to do it quite often, I can assure you, when I wanted to.
I did it on trains and boats too.
I'd have to chase middle-aged women now, and I don't think I'd want to do that.
George H
September 2nd, 2008 11:06amA well written and entertaining piece. Will we be seeing more of Ms. Pali?
Alice
September 3rd, 2008 10:36amYou go away for one week and you miss all the fun. Hysterical piece! Just got off a plane last night and completely understand her! I agree with Holden a great way to start the day,
Ms Pali has a great sense of humour. I wonder if she can top this?
Alan Hall
September 3rd, 2008 10:57amI'm afraid I do agree with the criticism of O'ar Pali's article; I could have written it without ever having sat in an aeroplane. Did she never sit next to a woman (or Female, as she might say)? or anyone who might have anything interesting to say to her? This piece seems to say more about Ms. Pali than her travelling companions. Please let's not have more in the same vein in the Spectator.
Anatole
September 3rd, 2008 1:51pmWhat a fun piece! Very witty and carefully observed.
And, by the way, this is a funny article, not a statistical analysis of passenger types. I know I could not have written this which is why I am grateful to the professionals who can liven up even a 'serious' magazine like the Specy. Go Ms Pali!
David Short
September 3rd, 2008 3:18pmIs it part of the contract of Speccie employees to counter negative criticism from readers with wholly unconvincing applause for a weak piece?
If this article is funny, so is colon cancer.
The only funny woman writer is Deborah Ross.
And I mean of all women journos, not just those who appear in the Spectator.
Anatole
September 3rd, 2008 3:51pmDavid:
Don't want to get involved in a protracted debate as I have better things to do (you don't seem to have that problem).
But I do NOT work for the Spectator - they don't pay enough.
Your comment about "all women journos" should disqualify your opinion outright, irrespective of what you think. Perhaps it will do you good to read more articles by Ms Pali and other talented women authors.
Not least, you might improve the level of your own prose which at the moment is not fit for anything other than anonymous message boards (you clearly don't work for the Spectator).
Kirsty B
September 3rd, 2008 4:36pmTotally agree with Anatole. David's misogyny is disgusting. Unbelievable that women journalists have to suffer people like this...
ibk
September 3rd, 2008 5:09pmThose who can't write, criticise. As true today as it has ever been.
Good article O'ar Pali. Maybe you should also write about the sorts of neighbours one gets on a cruise ship?! Just spent two full weeks of mind-numbing dinners at a table full of accountants on board an over-priced ferry. Brr...
JohnAnt
September 4th, 2008 12:25amHumour is of course a very personal matter. Personally I find it unamusing and trivial to the point of banal: boring airline reading for those bored 'high net worth individuals' that Luxury Publishing purports to aim at. I'm profoundly thankful that I've discontinued my Speccie subscription.
C Hart
September 4th, 2008 10:33amNobody has ever sketched me on a plane :( Ms Pali - could you post a copy of the product please?
Funny piece though. Great bath tub reading (like the rest of the Spectator of course).