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Polyamory:
The practice of carrying on simultaneous relationships
with more than one partner.
Polyamory is not cheating, and it doesn't (necessarily)
mean group sex, or casual promiscuous sex, or even any
sex at all...
This
page was generated in response to a vanilla-not reader
who was searching for more on poly relationships in D/s
and BDSM.
To
those who are interested in dedicating themselves to one
partner in their life journey, the concept of "poly"
(more than one) often may be a disturbing one. How we
chose to relate to one another, is a core value. Such
a value is formed in upbringing, family background, faith
and religious training, our sense of self, our needs and
desires and the plans to get them met. It is so central
it is often our very belief of "what is right"
or "what is wrong". It isn't uncommon for folks
with monogamy as a core value, to feel threatened or even
disgusted with any other model of relating.
It
might be an interesting Twilight Zone episode to find
a monogamous couple awakening up one day and facing a
planet that was polyamorous, looking a the singularly
focused pair as disgusting, selfish, promoting evil jealousy
and perhaps not even permitting them access to social
events, activities, political process, or even worship
places because of their individual choice.I
offer such a scenario not in the interest of promoting
or defending polyamory, but to point out that people who
embrace an alternative lifestyle, should recognize the
rights of others to expand and explore.
Quality poly relationships have to be hard work. Adding
in the control aspects of Domination and submission and
an incredible level of trust needs to be established and
ultimately savored. Honesty within each person as well
as clear communication with one another isn't an option
in such environments. Those who have trouble being up
front with themselves and others will, no doubt, have
much more struggle in a poly situation. Conversely those
who embark on such a journey may well discover increased
self awareness, self control and communication of honest
feelings with others in their "family of choice".
Since
my earliest days in public scene I have had a "gathering"
of people travel with me to events or learning at my feet.
Inevitably, regardless of the level of intimacy I may
have shared with these people (often they hung with us
just for safety as they traveled a new realm of Lifestyle),
the group would be referred to as my "Harem".
I'll admit I did little to dissuade these notions, but
the backlash and comments that were made just out of my
earshot were often not pretty.
Even
now, those who read our bios, often make the assumption
there is some sort of "love- fest" that is going
on in side our group. We travel together, share common
beliefs and values in lifestyle, and are opening to sharing
those with others who are sincere in learning. Our personal
situation is far from a Hippy Commune or free for all
love-fest.
None of us actively endorse or encourage poly nor do we
judge anyone for embracing monogamy. But vanilla-not.com
stands for honest open discussion and learning in al that
leads to safe and healthy D/s Lifestyle. Poly situations
from simple casual play partners to Leather Clans or romantic
families all delve into some level of poly exploration.
My biggest concern is for the single person out there
looking at the D/s lifestyle as one big shopping mall
for the perfect submissive or Master GoodBar. Building
skills, learning from others, and being involved in community
are important places for personal growth. Personal growth
only makes us better material as a partner no matter the
sort of relationship in which we eventually find ourselves.
If
monogamy is your core value, hang on to it. My most fervent
wish is for you to find or keep an ideal partner even
a life long one if you are so inclined. But read some
of these links with an open mind, if only to better understand
others who are traveling along the same or similar D/s
path as you. You may just discover that issues of managing
jealousy or feelings of inadequacy or building trust or
better communication, are not so different in the poly
model as your own. Borrow as many tools and techniques
as you need. Feel confident that whatever your core values...
you can make good choices for yourself and still be supportive
to your sisters and brethren along the journey.
-Sir
Malo 08.08.02
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