I met my current boyfriend a year ago, when I moved to his country for work. But I feel I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to do.
One month after meeting each other he had already said he loved me. One time, I told him I was meeting an old (male) friend for a drink and he gave me an ultimatum: if I met him, he would break up with me. He has gone through my phone multiple times and has said he doesn’t want me to meet my best girlfriend because he says she’s disrespectful. He has said he doesn’t want me to go out later than a certain time in the afternoon (I don’t go out much anyway). He has said he hates my dog and has given me an ultimatum: him or the dog. He has said he’d come with me to meet my family but cancelled at the last minute.
We’ve lived together for four months and he has threatened to leave me several times. He has said I’m the biggest mistake of his life and has asked me to block all my male contacts.
He said he had bought me a ring, but because I had lied to him, he didn’t give it to me. When he was away for work for a few weeks, I decided to go on a trip with a friend, and he went crazy.
He can be very charming sometimes but I don’t think his behaviour is normal. Can you help me?
You are correct. His behaviour isn’t normal and you’re very definitely not going crazy. His behaviour is abusive and he’s trying to control you. In the UK this sort of behaviour – coercive control – is a crime. I have omitted some information to protect you as your safety is paramount.
You know, on some level, that his behaviour is wrong, but he’s got you so confused that you’re starting to question yourself. Controlling men can be very charming. They can also love-bomb you when they think you might be “getting away”.
Controlling men (and women) seek to isolate their partners from friends and family. They often point out “faults” in these friends and family that you never noticed or which didn’t concern you before. They can say things like, “If you love me you would/wouldn’t do X”, which is just another way of controlling your behaviour. And has nothing to do with love.
I went to Refuge, the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK, to help me answer your letter. Even though I know you’re not in the UK, the advice is largely the same where controlling partners are concerned, although, see later, we both urge you to contact a domestic abuse organisation closer to home to help you.
after newsletter promotion
A word here about domestic abuse. A lot of people shake their heads and say: “But he doesn’t hit me, it’s not abuse.” Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. It is any sort of controlling behaviour, emotional, sexual, financial – and it can also be all of those. It is where the person being abused and controlled is made to feel it’s their fault, and so they start to doubt their sanity. If you start to feel you are changing your behaviour to appease your partner, or that you are “treading on eggshells”, this is also a pretty good indicator. Or as Refuge said: “If any woman ever has a gut feeling that something is not right, then that usually means something is not right.”
It’s important that you realise (and I want you to repeat this to yourself) that no matter what you do, no matter how small you make yourself, he is never going to be happy and he is never going to change. He is always going to try to blame you.
“Find someone,” advises Refuge, “that you can trust to try and support you. Find a specialist organisation that deals with domestic abuse in your country.”
Try to get a circle around you of people who know what’s going on but – and this is so important and the reason we want you to contact a specialist organisation – you need to make a safe plan to leave him. Please do not tell him what you are planning to do. This is because the biggest risk to a woman is when she tries to leave the relationship. I don’t want to scare you but I do want you to be safe. An abuser’s behaviour can escalate when a woman tries to get away.
Here are some organisations that can help you.
refuge.org.uk
nationaldahelpline.org.uk
Please call 999 or your country’s emergency services if your life is in danger.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.