To boldly cheat where no one has cheated before ...
Chess and the Internet, a wonderful combination. Always an opponent.
There is no need to drag your neighbour inside when he's sneaking past your window, taking the dog for a walk.
There's no need to go to the local chess club and see that ugly opponent of yours in real -
yuck, does he only wear one t-shirt all year long? Is that his deodorant or a dead skunk?
No Sir, forget it.
Just sit in front of your computer, login to one of the many (often free) chess servers and play.
Play blitz, play a nice standard game, or play a correspondence game, here, on Chess World for instance.
But most of all: cheat! Use your computer. Why use your own brains?
To boldly cheat where no one has cheated before!
Do I see you getting angry?
Well, suits you, because you ARE a cheater, aren't you?
A few examples. I will start off harmless.
Captain to the bridge - On my way, Mister Spock
You sit in front of your computer, as Captain Kirk, looking at a live relay on ICC or wherever,
and the game between Grandmaster Strongo and Grandmaster Greato is going on.
They have a nice kibitzing feature and a whole bunch of guys are also on the chatting channel.
You switch windows to Fritz or ChessMaster and ask:
Computer, evaluate current position Delta One.
After memory access you type: I think Rb2 is best here, in my evaluation in the kibitzing window.
Evaluation schmevaluation! You don't have a clue about what you're talking about, huh?
Fortunately, the others do not either.
That other guy shouting a4 is much better should have yelled:
my computer is faster and my program is stronger.
Are you using computer assistance again?
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And that is only the innocent way around!
Because after the game you decide to login for a quick game, assisted by your computer, of course.
And if someone accuses you of cheating, you go yell at him.
Eventually you will get a (C) behind your name by the server admins and the only thing you can
do is turn to one of the many congenial chess newsgroups on Usenet,
telling your grieves to anyone who's willing to listen.
And over there they are, boy, they are. Not only listening, also commenting. They say you're a cheater, and you shouldn't whine, you should *beep* off.
You don't understand the spirit of chess, they say.
You should be beamed into oblivion, they say.
They can see you're a cheater from the way your games go, they say.
How? They cheat with their computers too! They know!
It's that easy with chess on Internet.
What to do?
Lt. Uhura, contact Starfleet Command!
Uhuh ... no way.
You, Captain Kirk, have to solve this alone.
Years ago, when I was in high school, I played chess at the school chess club.
At home I analysed my games and studied openings and all. I wrote down my analysis on scraps of paper,
eventually getting entangled in the process. I sucked at chess.
There was no computer assistance.
In 1982 I bought my first stand-alone chess computer.
I had to wait another 8 years or so to meet my first PC chess program.
I knew it was a forced mate!
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Psion or ChessMaster, of course. Later followed all the fancy stuff,
and now I have a CD-ROM-shelf loaded with Fritz, Junior, Hiarcs, ChessMaster, CS Tal,
ChessBase, Nimzo, Rebel, Chess Tiger, endgame tablebases, you name it, I have it.
Because my opinion is: if you are to become a cheater, you should become the best cheater there is.
Fast hardware, strong programs.
But somehow, as the cheater I was, I became bored with winning all the time.
I became bored with knowing all the moves in advance, and bored with having the perfect answer -
at least a thousand Elo-points above the patzer level I am at.
What was I doing? A mere operator. I still sucked at chess.
That, Captain, is NOT logical.
It was the moment I realized I had to stop using my computer program as a false Moses
leading me into the promised land of cheat heaven.
It's a life form Jim, but not as we know it.
computer, calculate possibility
of impact at f7
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But what SHOULD be the use of computer chess programs!
Believe me: use them intensely, because they are docile, always ready for you,
and willing to take your stupid chess without a single word of discomfort.
When I was talking about that analysis of myself, way back when, I struck a nice example.
There are plenty of (free) database programs around which let you process moves for your
analysis in a neat and tidy way.
And if you are analysing, your chess program or programs will help you on the way,
pointing out your tactical mistakes.
The computer will make YOUR analysis better, instead of "making your analysis".
Programs can help you check dark variations, and may point you at frontiers that seemed so final,
but aren't. You can practice situations against a strong and tactical almost flawless opponent.
It will take some time to adapt - leaving cheating behind you,
and thinking for yourself again, but it's an experience of a lifetime.
You are actually becoming stronger, and one day you will look at the
computer's evaluation and say
Nah, that's not right. Don't use that move. Use Evasive pattern Riker Beta Three!
You will be there earlier than you think, because today's computer programs haven't got
the ability to make plans, or seek out long-range strategies. You have.
You should develop that further, and let the computer assist you with the right tactics.
A familiar one.
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Go find a solution with the help of your computer program.
Won't work, eh? It's no win for black, it's a draw.
Your analysis made you a stronger player, and your computer program helped you to spot the wrong directions.
Warp One, helmsman, on my mark. Heading e2-e4. Engage.
Enough for now. Next time I will give you some further tips and tricks.
Okay, so I lied about me cheating in this story. Of course.
I never cheated with a computer. Of course not.
Neither did you.
And if you happen to be one of the readers that still do, after my gospel you won't anymore.
You are going to play with your bare hands on the mouse and your brains working towards overload.
That's the spirit!
Use your computer as your slave, to do the annoying stuff, don't let it get away with the fun stuff!
You know what?
Go search for the final frontier, ...
... and boldly play how you never played before ...
Jeroen ;-}
© 2000 Jeroen I.M. van Dorp
Jeroen van Dorp is a 39-year-old hobby chess player
and lives in Utrecht, The Netherlands.
You can contact him at jimvandorp@wxs.nl and find his website at http://zip.to/jeroen
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